My partners mum is end of life. I’m really struggling knowing how to support him. He just repeatedly says “you can’t do anything” and “what can u do unless u have a cure for cancer”. We were doing well I thought until we bickered today when I got stressed trying to find something and that sent him plummeting really low and he won’t let me back in. I feel totally responsible for the crash of his feelings which he was managing well and I don’t know how to fix this or support him. He won’t let me help him, won’t let me visit her (I’d adore the chance to see her as we used to speak daily before she took a turn for the worse) he just wants to push me further away and blame me. What do I do, say etc. please help me please because I am hurting so badly for him, I feel so helpless and sad, there’s so much pain. Am I’m a fixer and this is one I can’t fix. People say ‘be there’ but that doesn’t seem enough right now. Especially as he won’t allow me to be physically there
Hello supportingpartner
I’m one of the Online Community team, and I can see you are new to the community. I’m so sorry to hear about your partners mum. It sounds like a really difficult time for all of you.
Finding the right way to support someone can be difficult. You might want to reach out to Marie Curie who have support for people living with a terminal illness and their families: https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/
We have some advice at Grief Kind - a Sue Ryder campaign | Sue Ryder on ways to support someone grieving, which might be a help to you, althoguh this is intended for after a bereavement it has some advice that you might find applicable now.
Take good care, Rhi
Sometimes I go into fix it mode too. It’s a very natural, human response.
Whenever I realise I have ‘tried to fix it’ too much, I apologise, and I say ‘I won’t try and fix it, but I will listen—whenever you’re ready’. This sometimes helps lowers peoples barriers and makes them feel more comfortable coming to you.
It takes practice and patience waiting for them to come to you but this re-assurance can sometimes be helpful.
I’m aware I don’t know your partner and his temperament, but I thought I’d share this with you.
Best,
AlexTrayce
I totally understand your urge to try and make it better, because no one wants to see a loved one suffering - in fact thats probably exactly how your partner is feeling too when he sees his mum 
Its hard to accept, but the reality is you cannot fix this. Being there and simply letting someone know they are not alone, and allowing them to feel their pain without the need to hide it from you is so important. On this site there are countless people who feel they cant be honest with friends/family because they just dont get it, or who try and jolly them along. If there are practical tasks that your partner would normally do that you can step in or arrange for someone else to do to free up his time, thats also a practical way to lighten his load and show your support.
One resource I’d recommend is Megan Devines website - shes a grief author and therapist and writes a lot about how to support a grieving person. Although your partners mum is still around, that grieving process has probably already started as he mentally prepares for the road ahead (its called anticipatory grief) . Heres a link for you Megan Devine | How to Help Someone Who is Grieving | Refuge in Grief
I hope in time he’ll allow you to visit, as im sure his mum might be glad of a visit, and it meant a lot to me to see how much other people also cared about my mum when i was caring for her at end of life. 