Now just over 3 years since losing the most wonderful person I have ever known. My dilemma is that one or two quite close (I thought) friends have all but disappeared. It’s as though they have imposed some sort of time limit on how long I should grieve and having gone past the time limit I am now a ‘list cause’. Fortunately others are still kind and helpful but at 68 and feeling quite lonely I am experiencing a bit of isolation from people I really thought were true friends. It started with a few over familiar critical comments to me about silly things, almost schoolyard stuff but the real betrayal came when going through some old social media conversations that I hadn’t seen, which really knocked me for six. I discovered that a couple of people have only befriended me to benefit themselves and it hurts. I guess you notice it more when living in a fairly small place. I have tried to look in the mirror to work out what I have done wrong but the only thing I can think of is one person’s words to me “you can’t grieve forever”. This came from someone a lot older than me and I feel judged in a way I don’t like. Just shows that even at my age I can still be wrong about people. I have become a little more guarded these last few weeks, probably making it worse, but I find trusting people a little difficult now. Before, my wife and I would have talked about stuff like this and I miss the support and advice so much.
Why do people think they can control how we feel, don’t they realise that the things they say can hurt? In all my years I have never understood this attitude but before I could cope when we shared at home, but now, not so much.
i am the same. its 18 months since i lost my hubby, and from the beginning no one has bothered about me, so called friends and certainly family, its like i dont exist. i havent trusted anyone for yrs, been let down by so many. as for comments by people, even about a month after he died, i went to my local church and one person there, when i tried to talk to her about things, said “well lots of people lose their husbands, one of those things” and yet if it was anyone else in the church they are all over them like a rash. i havent been back there.
i am the same age as you and i have come to the conclusion that i am on my own totally now, no one gives a damn, they are so caught up in their own little bubbles. when i look back to how it was yrs ago especially when i was a kid, people cared about family and friends. not any more.
This must be so hard for you both. There is no time limit on how long people grieve and people can be thoughtless and insensitive. I understand this will make you feel like you cannot trust people but keep reaching out on here because we understand and not everybody is like your so called friends. It is true that you only find these things out when you are in the thick of it. Take care and hugs to both of you. Xx
Firstly, sorry for your loss. Secondly, I’ll be blunt here; people can be selfish arseh@les with zero emotional intelligence, empathy and compassion. Granted, others are just clueless.
My husband is terminally ill, he’s 43 and we have two young kids. He was diagnosed June 22. The first month I had so much help but it disappeared. His mobility was, and stilll is, terrible so I’m doing everything myself with zero family support.
A year on and he’s not got a great deal of time left and having palliative care. I’d say I have about 3-4 consistent people who would help. These are the people I’d least expect.
I got so annoyed I cleared out Facebook and just use it for groups now. I was sick of people giving me hug emojis yet never offering to help and never messaging.
I’ve become very cynical now (which may change in time). In this life, I’m on my own. No point moaning or getting upset, I just have to get on with it.
Sorry, i don’t think this message will make you feel better xx
I’ve only just read your message after writing mine. Seems like we have a very similar outlook now. It’s a sh!t world we live in x
Hi Nori, I am so sorry you are having to go through this alone. My husband had very limited mobility for the last 8 weeks and virtually none for the last 2. I took care of him with some help from carers but nobody else helped despite them knowing our situation. I had plenty of people saying if you need anything but no practical help. It is disappointing but it brought us even closer and and times we would laugh about the absurdity of what was happening and as sad as I am I am really grateful I could this for him. Unfortunately my husband lost his battle 7 weeks ago at age 44 and it was so hard watching him deteriorating from the strong big guy he was. My love and hugs and if you need to talk please message. Xxx
So sorry you were in a similar situation. He was the same age as my husband, life is so unfair.
We, too, spend a lot of time laughing about it alongside me daily saying “people are just arseh@les”, I’m hoping the anger passes.
For some reason, I’ve had a few old friends messaging to see if I want to go for a coffee… umm… where have you been for the last year and no I don’t have time for a coffee!
Message them back and let them know what your situation is and if they want to meet for a coffee would they please come to you.
I found that once we told friends that we cant go out to meet them and the reasons why those that did really care came to visit, which made a huge difference and really picked up my wife’s spirits during her final months. It also gave me a chance to step back from 24/7 caring for a moment to revitalise and refresh a bit.
Yes I did feel bloody guilty the first time but that was soon overcome when I saw how happy she was to have had visitors - and that I could take a short break. I’d just say though that its not worth worrying about or getting angry with those that dont and cherish those that that do.
Hi Nori, I’m so sorry about what you are having to go through but reading your post seems to reflect how I feel with so called friends. When I lost my son in March my phone and doorbell was redhot all the time, I have cut so many people out of my life as they are idiots,FB another and my so called best friend I hardly see her due to her negativity and moaning about her health…hypochondriac. She never mentions my son but wanted to know all about the inquest, which I haven’t told her, only that it was a drug overdose which I knew months ago. She doesn’t have a clue what he’ll I go through every day, just like yourself and you having young family to think of. My partner is so annoyed at her negativity and her messages. It’s odd how friendships change when we are on this journey, I hope you are amongst everything being kind to yourself, you have a long journey ahead, but here for you. I’m not sure if what I have put is any help xx
Tbh I can’t be arsed running around getting people coffees and then I’m even more behind on everything (have two young kids and a dog alongside all of this). If my husband wants visits I’m more than happy to accommodate that (although there’s only a few that do). I make sure I pop round to the very few who have been great, the rest I’ve not got time for now.
I’ve read a lot of your posts on here and my heart truly goes out to you. Nothing will ever be as awful as losing a child.
I don’t know about you, but my patience levels are just non existent when it comes to others. I have a friend who asks a million questions and I just want to scream “stop asking me questions and bloody help!”.
I have no patience or tolerance any more. I can’t be bothered with people who I think are idiots. Like you I would love to shake my so called friend and scream at her to shut up moaning. Do you have any support at all for your husband as you have so much to do and with young children, my heart goes out too you, I’m not sure how I can help but just keep messaging on here. This is my lifeline to be honest, I can only do minute by minute. My temper has always been quick but know it feels like an undercurrent in me all the time. I’m not the same person any more. Take care xx
His family will help when he’s in hospital and i know they’ll be there at the end. After that, I don’t think I’ll ever hear from them again. My mum is 87, my dad died a couple of years ago and my brothers are rubbish. I do have a couple of friends that I know I can call upon, but I’ve mainly just been doing it all myself. I’m literally just trying to stay alive for the kids.
So sorry for your loss . Thank you for what you said.
I so agree with you. To share just one example of my story. I am 60 this Christmas and two years ago this Christmas I lost my lovely mum. We were both only children and we lost my Dad 16 years ago. So, it was just the two of us left plus our two little dogs whom I’m so very grateful for. I never married and so have no husband or children. As a bit of an introvert, I had work colleagues and nice neighbours and a couple of friends but both have families of their own and we have not seem much of each other at all.
I struggle every day with grief and the loss of a mum that I couldn’t have been closer to and whom I loved and still love beyond measure. I cry daily and that has just become part of each day. I find it hard adjusting and mum and I always lived together, so trying to adapt to living alone too.
On Mother’s Day this year, I went along to Church. Our little dogs have never been left alone and after mum died I even gave up working taking my pension early and reduced as I couldn’t leave them alone all day. I try now to get what odd bits of contracted work when I can find remote working opportunities. Life isn’t easy and my income is much reduced though I’m grateful to have a small pension or I don’t know what I would have done.
I’ve had lots of neighbours say to me, ‘ you are amongst friends, if you every need anything or any help, we are here for you’, I never ask for help unless I really have to and luckily so far, there have only been a could of things but, both times, I couldn’t find anyone to help. Small things…… Next week, the church starts and Alpha course and I was invited along. It will be the first time I’ve been out since mum died other than food shopping. I asked a ‘ friend’ would she mind sitting with my dogs for the duration of the course, a couple of hours Thursday evenings. They are happy to be in the car whilst I go to church on a Sunday where I feel I can think about mum without the business of the world which continues around me. I can cry in peace there. But, I can’t leave our little dogs in the car for two hours in the dark whilst I join the course.
My friend said of course she would. This evening, I had a text message from her to say she was still ok for next week and the charge was £10 per hour. That would be a cost of £200 for the whole course. I’d have offered something to her of course but £200, I can’t justify given my income now so I won’t be able to go along.
I feel like I never want to ask for help ever again but it makes me smile when people hear one’s struggled with something when the common phrase is ‘ why on earth didn’t you ring me and ask, I’d have helped you ‘.
Hopefully some of us here have true friends but it’s a very different world from when I was young and communities really did help each other.
Take care everyone.
Thanks for your messages and comments. Here is an example. We were married 45 years and together for another 5. My wife was determined at a very young age to train to be a nurse, this was much to the disgust of her family who just couldn’t understand her ambition. She trained and worked in the NHS for over 38 years, her family, during most of that time were indifferent, but she knew what she wanted and achieved her ambition. Not one of them sent a card or attended the funeral, or have contacted me since. I am so proud that she chose me to spend her life with. I miss her so much, but not her family.
Wow, she really isn’t a friend atall. This last year with my husbands terminal illness diagnosis I’m been truly shocked at people. Every day I say to my husband “people are just selfish arseholes”.
Yep they certainly are, my so called best friend is like it, selfish. I’m still waiting for her to ask me how I felt about the inquest, think I’m in for a long wait. She has hospital appointment today, that’s all I’ve heard about again, for days and days. I just don’t need negativity in my life. My partner is so annoyed at her, that when she called up the other day, 25 minutes of her moaning about her so called health problems, he went out. Xx
You grieve for as long as you need to! Im so sorry you’re going through this
I say the same to my mum. She was such a good judge of character and I speak to her even now and tell her how right she was. Sadly, greed has a lot to answer for these days too. I hope some good and kind people find their way to you. Take care.