Taken a Backward step

Hi Buzzer. You sound and feel just as I do. My garden is a mess and I am sick of people letting me down with quotes etc. I want to do so many things but have no motivation.My car is a mess and Ron used to clean it and look after it but I am useless. Things just don’t fall into place anymore. All I want to do is sleep. The thought of tackling anything is horrific. I used to do so much for others before and I was so organised. Now I feel unable to make decisions or do anything. Just a total mess.

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Hi Bunny88, same for me, 6 months, no motivation to do anything. Endless lists of things that I need to do but never quite get round to. I bought a new hoover and then thought why have I bothered. House needs decorating, we were going to do it this year. Get as far as choosing wallpaper and then the thought of changing the decor stops me as it’s another thing that won’t be the same.
My house too is letting me down, leaking dishwasher has caused all kitchen floor to lift up, leaking tap, low pressure on boiler. Do you think it’s just that we took these things in our stride when we were together, maybe would have even joked about it, but now they seem like gigantic problems.
Can’t be bothered to get my hair cut or even bother with makeup. Actually Geoff would be really getting on at me about the hair and telling me to get it done, but he won’t be here to tell me it looks nice, so what’s the point?
I feel like the only thing I do is walk to the supermarket to buy yet another ready meal!
And so this is my life😔
Love and hugs :hugs: Jacky

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Angiejo1 this can sometime be so frustrating until someone has gone through what we have gone through they have absolutely no idea what it’s like ,the pain ,the hurt, the emptiness, all the mixed emotions. There is no time limit on grieving and we all deal with things differently and like you said it would be interesting how your ?friend feels if and when it happens to her .

A can totally understand your lack of motivation I’m with you in that one the having to deal with things and sort things out on your own is crucifying. My Rob was that laid back he never got going until he had a ton of coffee inside him but it’s just having him by my side made it all seem so much different and I get what your saying it’s so hard doing EVERYTHING solo

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Absolutely. I lost my beloved husband a year ago to Coronavirus. It was such a shock. Towards the end of the year I did lots of clearing out, like you my stuff and some of his and like you I suddenly hit a brick wall. For the past 6 months or so I’ve been existing, not living. I don’t want to do anything except nope about in my own grief. I realise I’ve got to get a grip and every day I say tomorrow I will but it hasn’t happened yet. I miss him so much, he really was my saviour and I was his. Life without him is just non existent really. I find I put n a brave face when I’m with family but the rest of the time I don’t too so well. Everyone says it will get easier but I can’t see how or when that will be for me. So sorry for your loss and that your feeling the same but it is a comfort to know that it really is difficult for everyone not just me.

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I feel your pain and can relate to this myself, I lost my husband Mike of 37 years 22 weeks ago (I count in weeks as it seems less time than months) I dont want time to pass and I had a cpl.of weeks where I thought I was going to get through this, but now I feel I am going backwards and cannot look at his pictures without breaking down, I cant even talk to anyone without doing the same, I feel also that people will be fed up.of me been morbid all the time so I now keep.it to myself as do not want to burden anyone. I have been kn a sue ryder bereavement counselling waiting list for a few weeks now, so can imagine how busy they are. I would like every8to know that I can also be a good listener, especially now having the devastating experience myself. Here if you need a chat. Thinking of you at this sad time x

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@Ellie66
I have counselling, it helps for a bit, but the next day I struggle again. I read the heart breaking posts on here and realise I’m not alone, although I feel like I am alone.
I feel everyone expects me to be better and find it exhausting to keep the false happy face on. I spend time stuck indoors plodding about yearning for my Marti.
Some days I can do more then other days then BAM the grief hits me again.
I like drawing, this distracts me for a while.
I’m reading some books on grief but find them annoying as they mention we ‘accept’ our love one has gone when we are ready, how and why would I accept he has gone, he was my everything, love and I miss him dreadfully.
I so want to be with him, can’t face life without him.
Amy x

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Hi Amy49,

My adult children keep mentioning counselling (my daughter runs a cancer support centre where I live). She says it helps people but I can’t really see what it can do for me. I also feel everybody now expects me to be better but nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. In a few weeks it will be two and a half years for me, but it feels like yesterday. I too read a couple of ‘grief’ books but one of them was interrupted by how the writer kept adding recipes every few pages! Sorry, I just didn’t get that at all! I can never accept my Eddie has gone - I too still yearn for him every day and the tears still come every day. We were married for 46 years from when I was 18, so this new life is so hard to bear. I started making cards when my mum died 7 years ago, and Eddie always said they were lovely, so I try to continue doing this. Sometimes I can and sometimes I can’t. The poem ‘dust if you must’ comes to mind sometimes. It means don’t waste your life on trivial things, but I still find it so hard to just carry on with life as if nothing had happened - have to force myself to clean, cook (always think of the things Eddie loved), and even shower sometimes. Not sure if this will ever end xx

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I too have thought about councelling but nothing they can say will bring them back and thats the only thing that will make me better. They can only listen.

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Hi Bubba,

I agree about the counselling thing - I just want Eddie back and that can’t happen. I have a twin sister and very sadly, six months after Eddie died, her son aged 43 committed suicide. To say she was devastated is putting it mildly, so now we meet up as much as we can, and most of our conversation is about my husband and my nephew. I feel that this helps us both. It is a different situation, but we both say we lost the person closest to us. She agrees even though she has a husband (of six years). So, we carry on, trying to help each other and often crying to each other. I sometimes feel though, because she has a husband, that I am in the way and she says she is a bit torn at times, so this site has helped me when I read about people who feel exactly the same as me.

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Hi Ellie66,

Ah, 22 weeks is such a short time - please don’t be too hard on yourself. Soon it will be two and a half years for me, and I am still struggling so much. Yes, you do feel that people will get fed up of you being sad and miserable, so like you, I try and keep it to myself, but behind closed doors is a completely different matter. I still can’t walk in the house after shopping etc without ending up in tears as I still expect Eddie to be there waiting for me. It was our house, not mine and I think of all the years we have spent here together (it would have been 40 years this year in this house). As for pictures, sometimes I can look at them for a few minutes without tears, but mostly the tears still come - didn’t know I had so many tears! Life is so sad for us all - we can only hope for better days someday xx

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Hi lesley, it is so difficult, tried explaining to my daughtwr in law how i feel but she doesnt get it. She has lost her parents which i understand is devastating. But losing someone that you have loved and lived with for 49yrs is different. She still has my son and grandsons but i am alone. Empty house nobody to speak to. Empty bed and that big hug and kiss missing. Devastated.

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Hi Bubba,

I truly don’t think anybody gets it until it happens to them. In the past few years I have lost my mum, my sister and my cousin but this is still the worst grief, as the person you have lived with for many, many years is now just gone. My son and my daughter still have their families to go home to, so although they try to understand, they just can’t. We all need that big hug but it can’t be anymore.

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Yes, just one hug from that one person would make everything alright. But, like you say, it can’t happen. I still can’t get my head around the fact that he has gone. I don’t want to get used to it.

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I just want to tell him what I’ve seen or done. I want to talk to the one person who listened even if what I was saying wasn’t that interesting and vice versa.
I want to ask him what shall we have for tea or if he wants a cuppa. I want to curl up on the settee next to him with my head on his chest.
It’s not the big things is it, just the simple everyday things that I suppose we took for granted.
Love and hugs :hugs: Jacky

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I feel just like you all
It’s been over 2 years since my husband died and then my mum
I was so busy sorting everything out I had no time for me on auto pilot
This year I think because of lockdown I had more me time to think and that has made it worse
I come home from work and just cry every day
Some days I just don’t want to get out of bed
I know David and my mum would not want me to be like this but I miss them so so much
And now we can HUG !!!
That’s a joke can we hug them NO
I do try and do things that make me happy pottering about in the garden
Listening to friends and family helping them solve their problems
That gives me a wee bit of rest bite from my grief
My problem david was my soul mate the person that I wanted to share the rest of my life with
And it wasn’t meant to be so I will have to learn to live with it
Some days I just can’t
Sending my love to you all

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I echo everything you’ve said Scottie. I just don’t see the point in each day. There is nothing within a day that has any purpose for me. My whole purpose for the next few years was enjoying them with him, going places with him, being a team with him. Those things made me happy every day. I am existing for my children because someone has to be here for them. I don’t really have any reason to get up though. I go for walks with friends and try to sort out all the endless paperwork but I have no meaning and can’t see me having one again. Sending hugs

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