Taken a Backward step

8 months since I lost my Rob the first month was a blur although my head was a shed I did manage to sort out his finances and estate , I didn’t eat or sleep for two weeks .
Then I had a couple of weeks at getting my head together and started sorting things out in the house and slowly made a start on clearing things out not just Robs but mine too.
Now 8 months in and Iv just hit a brick wall don’t want to do any of it anymore . I have totally lost my mojo , does anyone else get like this .

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Dear Kazzer

Same here. I am still in the process of sorting things - no Will so have to go through probate. But need death certificate as husband was killed in road traffic accident. It has been 8 months of a life I never expected and certainly do not want.

I have not sorted out my husband’s clothes. His shoes still lie where he left them.

I stay in bed if not seeing our grandsons. There is no point to anything anymore. I do try to motivate myself to do the garden and have made a start but this was not my job it was my husband’s and now everything is my job. Hate this life, just hate it.

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I have had a similar week to you Kazzer. It’s only been 3ish months but I tried to start living similarly to how I did previously and it was a disaster took me back to the start and then a panic attack happened again.

It’s so difficult when a small part of you wants to just have a normal day and a grief break but another part of you just says no not yet - you can’t. It’s horrible isn’t it.

It’s like trying to run when you’ve just learnt to walk, I just want one normal day might be ok to give me the hope it may be possible.

I like to see them as test runs, what else is there…

Here’s to our mojo making a comeback!

Mx

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@Sheila26, @Merrin, @Kazzer I have been under a time limit to sort through things as my partner’s children are selling the house. They took what they wanted and left the rest. I am now exhausted, and still have some things to move/get rid of. Thank goodness for Facebook sites and charity clothes bins while the charity shops were shut. The trouble is I hit that brick wall for sorting things when my parents died. I put some of their stuff away to sort later. Now I have 3 people’s stuff to sort. I also want to sort my own stuff out as I can’t leave this mess for someone else. I think it is that thought, that I cannot leave this to someone else to go through, that is keeping me going. I had a really bad night a few weeks after my partner died. I thought I was going to die. I hadn’t been eating or sleeping at all well, and my heart and breathing were odd. Probably a bad panic attack but it was scary at the time. I looked round and thought “S*** I can’t let anyone else come in and find me dead, and see how I am living.” I managed to calm down and started to make a bit of effort. It has been slow going but I have managed to clear a lot so far. Anything I am not sure about getting rid of I put to one side for a few days and then make a decision. There has been a lot of frustration, despair, memories flooding back and tears along the way. I think that is my life for the foreseeable future though.

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I feel the same as all of you. Over 2 and half years for me but I am still in limbo. Nothing will ever be the same again. It is not as raw but it continues…the flat empty life that has replaced my old one. My daughter has been staying with me this past week and there has been life in my home but when she goes home it will be back to the flat empty space it has been for the past two years.

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Thank you all for your replies at least I know it’s not me being lazy . I want to get things sorted but I. The other hand I don’t because if feel as if I’m eradicating him from the house and that’s so far from what I’m trying to do. I have had a canvas done of us both that me and the two kids chose together .
I go to work 15-30 hours a week as a front line worker in care, I help look after my two grandchildren so my time is quite limited .
Although I’m kept busy it’s not the life I chose and everything I do now has to be done alone that I’m finding very difficult as Iv never been alone. Take care everyone and please keep chatting it’s a huge help :heart::blue_heart:

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Dear Wong

I recall you mentioning previously about your partner’s childrens action and had hoped that they might have taken a step back and relented in some way. I am so sorry that on top of loosing your partner you are also having to got through this.

Although I have not sorted my husband’s items I have decided to sort out my clothes. Party and holiday clothing is of no use to me now so it may as well be put to better use elsewhere. Most of my clothes no longer fit in any case as I have lost so much weight.

Hopefully my daughter is coming at the weekend. I have asked both kids to come round so that I can go through various belongings with them and ensure they know who is to get what when I am gone. I can then formalise this into the Will. I do not want to have them arguing over different items. As there are now two grandsons I need to make sure that they get something to remember my husband and me by.

I should have been sitting with my husband finalising our retirement trips abroad when lockdown permitted but instead find myself taking steps to ensure our kids do not go through the pain that I am experiencing when I am gone.

Take care all.

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Kazzer, I too have taken a backward step. It’s 5 months since my husband died and in the early days, once we’d had the funeral, i threw myself into tackling the admin and paperwork possibly as a way of distracting myself from the reality of my situation. But now, there is still paperwork to deal with, tax returns etc - it never ends- and I now dread the postman coming because , invariably, there will be more things I have to reply to or make decisions about. My husband’s clothes are just as he left them - i can’t imagine a time when I will have the energy and motivation to sort them out. Then there is the house - everything is breaking down! , the car , the garden - and I just don’t want to deal with any of it anymore. I feel utterly drained. So I spend my time writing endless lists of things that i should be doing , yet never do.

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I can certainly relate to this this week! I think I am on the first millimeter of the first squiggle!

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@Merrin
I think my “grief recovery” would look more like a child’s drawing of a set of sharks teeth

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Bunny88 I know exactly what you mean just as I had got Robs estate sorted things In The house started . I had a burst pipe and water gushing through the ceiling in the kitchen / dinning room , I just didn’t know what to do which way to turn.
What gets to me the most is everything has to be sorted by ME and anything I want to do has to be done by ME and anywhere I want to go I have to go with ME .

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Dear Kazzer and Bunny88

Yes everything in the house just conspires against us. I lost my heating on Christmas day, this was quickly followed by the garage and house roofs failing, then the cars. It is unrelenting.

We did not make a Will so having to go through probate so understand the comments about the postie. The letters just keep on coming and the way in which they are addressed rams it home that they have gone.

Now today our precious little (oldest)grandson had to be rushed to hospital. I am not equipped to deal with this continuing sh*t on my own. I had to pick up the other grandson - only 2 weeks old - from the hospital but lost my car parking permit in the process. I had a total meltdown in the car park (the youngster was still with his dad inside) and was shouting and screaming. Hospital security team came to my rescue and sorted it for me. God knows what they thought they were dealing with when watching on the CCTV. I really cannot take much more.

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Grief sucks the life out of you, im 11 months in tomorrow and i have had some dreadful nightmares and woken sobbing my heart out. I keep
dreaming about him, but they are and horrible nightmares it leaves me feeling fraught.
This past week has been particularly difficult
So many tears, im exhausted. I cant look at his
pictures without crying. Its true someone on another thread said that grief also paralyses you.
This is never ending and sad but true. I have always been so active, i dont leave the house and have nk desire to do anything. So hard.
Take care everyone Margarita

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It is 7 months since I lost my lovely handsome Michael. I went on autopilot sorting out all the arrangement on my own. We did not have chikdren

We did not have any children so the responsibility was on me. I reached a point when I did not want to deal with the house, garden, sorting out the bills, etc I wanted my Michael who dealt with so many things just to be there. I didn’t realise that he dealt with so many things. I feel so ill all the time with the responsibility. If only I could turn back the clock and be with my loving Michael again to have those care free wonderful days together.

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@Sheila26
I think we are running so close to the edge that anything extra going wrong just tips us over that precipice.
I hope your grandson is okay now

Wong my heart goes out to you it’s bad enough going through the grieving process and loosing a loved one without loosing your together home .
I hope they can find it In their hearts to give you the time you need without feeling as if you are being turned out .
Please keep chatting it’s important and it helps take care Kazzer x x

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Some things are set to try us but push us to the extreme limits don’t they

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Dear RichardM

Thank you. Yes the smallest thing becomes a big hurdle.

Grandson has been released from hospital and now prescribed antibiotics. Our son used to suffer from febrile convulsions when he was little and had an infection. Now it looks like grandson may be prone to same condition. My husband used to be my support when our son had these episodes, he is not here and I just cannot cope. I just sobbed last night and got very little sleep. I need my husband so much.

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Dear Angiejo1,

Almost two and a half years for me and I too am in limbo. As you say, this flat, empty life has replaced the old one - one that we weren’t expecting. I definitely think that people think I should be ok now. My friend thinks it’s all down to covid, but she still has her husband and we had a few words and I told her to come and tell me how she feels when it happens to her (not that I am wishing for any such thing for her). I keep trying to be ok but everything has changed.

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