Im so sorry for your loss and totally agree with everything you said. Unless you have lost a partner no one will wver understand the pain we deal with. I dread going back to work because i work in a care home and i k ow the faces i will face and the words they will say , i dont know when il go back but i know financially it will be in a couple of weeks. Do you have good support.
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I only have my son in Devon , my family are all in Liverpool but I have good friends , The day my sons Dad was found dead in his flat my ex husband in January, I was in work and I said to my son “ok I am coming home “! And he said “why “? He was going into work ! But with Nick my lovely hubby it was different I was off work for 8 weeks , I work in a hotel where we are a coaching company so at times it’s like an”care home “ with the ages we get ! And I see them coming on holiday with their husbands in their 90’s moaning about their hotel room etc ! And I want to shout “well at least you can still go on holiday with yours “!
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Totally understand that, working in the care home i see death regular 3 weeks ago i was with a lady and her fanily as she took her last breath and it was hard and when i got home i talked to mark about hard it was, he also knew the pain i went through loosing my husband and the struggle im dealing with my dad having dementia, i heard him talking to a friend one day and his words were " il be here to support karen" he lied he wont be , im so glad you have someone because our journey is going to be never ending pain xx
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I think you have to take it as he didn’t lie, as when he said it at the time he meant it , next month would of been our 2nd wedding anniversary, that drive up to Gretna to a place where I stood when I was 11 years old , the day was perfect , we planned to go away to st ives for our anniversary, so I had to cancel it , my son has said he will go away with me somewhere on the day , he is all have I got . My work with elderly guests meant we all did first aid and defib training , mine is up for renewal next year , I have already said there is no way I can do defib and cpr on Annie the dummy !
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I know he ment it as he would tell me numerous times in a day but then i quesrion if he loved me as much as he did thrn why leave me 
i am so sorry and glad you have your son for support, i dont blame you not wanting to do the course it is too much for you. I dread when im back at work and watching as the residents die as i dont think il be able to handle it, i know its early for me and my emotions are killing me i even thought about job change but iv done this work for 20 years and now im 60 what would i do, would i get a job, my brain is full of craziness that i cant control x
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You have to say the mind he had when he said he loved you and mind he had when passed , was miles apart , I keep thinking “why did Nick leave me ,” he had a heart attack 21 years previously age 44 , but didn’t need any surgical procedures and was on medication and check ups for life , a second heart attack was always in the back of his mind , but the day it happened was nothing like the time before totally different symptoms , he brought me a cup of tea in bed and would always say “made with love “ and I would say “why didn’t you make it with a tea bag like everyone else “
then he chucked his tea up ! And it started from there , 4 months on it’s like 4 days ago 
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Oh my what a shock for you, im so so sorry , how the hell do we go on. I survived once but going back 7 years ago i had alot to distract me and to focus on as i moved house and bought a house with my daughter and family so the gouse was always in chaos and i loved it , i moved out when my partner moved up here to be with me but now yea i still have my family, grandkids are older and doing their own things now all i have is our dog and a quiet house and i cant stand it, x
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