I recently came across a story on the BBC website about a grieving mum who continued to call her daughter’s phone after she died. She would leave messages and talk about how she felt, saying it became a ‘confessional’:
'Calling Jenny wasn’t about bringing back a living essence of her. “I didn’t call hoping she would answer. I knew she wasn’t there. I can’t spend my life like that - it makes you ill,” she says.
Instead Alison found herself expressing and processing how she felt. The calls became a confessional.
“I had things to say that I couldn’t say to anyone else - that’s why I called.”’
Have you found yourself doing something similar? Texting or emailing a loved one, perhaps? Writing letters? Or even calling, as the mum in this article does?
Hi Eleanor
Yes I was texting Janet but stopped - maybe not permanently, who knows? I do still talk to her - not conversations but just odd words and small questions. I don’t see any harm in it. Praying is also a way of expressing the love I will always carry for her & I do this out loud normally when I go to bed. I don’t know why but it seems right whereas most things don’t seem right.
Anyway your post struck a chord.
HI Eleanor
I found myself sending messages to my Sister on her Wattsapp, messenger, text - anything just to be able to say to her “I miss you so much”. Then I called her phone, just wanting to listen to her voice on the recording that played when her phone was switched off. I was devastated to find it gone since her phone contract had been cancelled :’(
But I write to her sometimes, in a journal she bought me a couple of years ago. She was terminal, and I knew I would save that book for when she had passed away and it would be a way for me to talk to her, to cry to her, I’ve even laughed as I’ve wrote about memories we shared or telling her about certain things. No, it’s not her, and nothing can ever make up for her in anyway, but it helps. And sometimes, I even talk out loud, just in case…… Like this morning, leaving the gym and feeling brighter than I had in a while, I said out loud “I’m feeling better… you don’t have to worry… I love you”…
It’s all part of the process of grief I guess.
With kindest regards
Debs
Thanks for this. Fifteen months on and I still send messages to my husband’s mobile phone. I also write a journal to him telling him about everyday stuff and how I’m feeling. I talk out loud to him all the time as I don’t want to forget what it feels like to chat to him. If anyone could hear me they would think I’m bonkers.
I “speak” to my husband all the time. I too have phoned his number to get the message that this account is closed. For me the saddest thing is on my I can only track our chats back to when he was very ill in hospital.
I do sometimes . I also talk to my son when I’m driving or in bed . It can be upsetting but on the whole it’s more cathartic . It makes his death seem less final.
I wouldn’t think you were bonkers, Kate. I hope I never stop talking to my Ken. I also message him on Facebook. I think it’s a question of whatever helps us, and if somebody else thinks I’m crazy, that’s their problem xo
It’s sounds like this article has really resonated with many of you, so thank you for sharing your experiences. I hope you’ve found comfort in knowing that you’re not alone in continuing to talk, text, or write to your loved ones.
Eleanor, just found this post and once again I know I am not totally crazy. I tell my darling about what I have each evening before I can go to sleep. Sometimes I instinctively know how to deal with something that I have no idea how to deal with and always feel it came from him. Yes, crazy but it gets me through another day.
Things on here often help to make me feel normal, so thanks to all for being there.
It’s a difficult one is this. I thought I would try it as I thought it may offer some comfort. I don’t give any credibility to the idea of afterlife and maybe that is part of my problem. I’m going to persist with the talking and there is a focus for that as my wife’s ashes are at home with me. I did wonder that if I carry her with me in my heart then she will be aware of everything that I think and do and the need to talk would be a bit pointless. In a way I quite envy those people who think they will be reunited with all those who died and the comfort that they derive from that. Although our loved ones have died it is important that they continue to exist in whatever way that is appropriate to each of us.
Hello YorkshireLad. I think your last sentence is absolutely right. However, I do believe that there is something beyond this earthly existence and the more I read, the more I’m convinced. Oh yes, there are plenty of cranks out there and we need to be careful. We’re all in a very vulnerable state. Having said all that, the afterlife isn’t the reason I talk to my husband. I talk to him constantly, even shout him to put the kettle on or come and watch something on telly, because I don’t ever want to forget what it’s like to talk to him, I don’t ever want it to feel strange talking to him. I miss engaging with David in good intelligent conversation - we could talk about anything - everyday stuff, politics, work, everything. My husband may have died but he’s not dead and he’ll never be dead to me. Try talking YorkshireLad and perhaps try reading spiritual books and thank you for your honesty. With love xx
Yes we have to be extremely careful of the ‘funny stuff’ but in the end it’s what helps us, each individual person and like all things on this road it’s different for each of us.
Personally I do think that there is something after we die here on earth, what? Who knows. I also think that lots of things happen for a reason but at the time we don’t know or understand, funny, yes. Why should someone we love have to leave us and why can’t we follow then, too many questions and all without answers. I will keep talking to my darling and I don’t care if anyone else knows or if they think I am crazy, that’s my life now and it helps me. Sorry, it may sound selfish but my life now is me and my cat and to be honest I think she knows when I am telling John all about my day or wanting help and saying ‘ I know you human body couldn’t take anymore but right now I need you’. Crazy cat lady, well no not really, only one cat and again I think she arrived because something, somewhere made it happen,
So please don’t anyway say don’t talk to the person you loved who has had to leave us, if it helps, so WHAT. Bless you all.
Susie, I adopted FOUR cats after my Ken died - doesn’t the average widow have at least 19? I think kitties are wonderful grief companions. And like you, it bothers me not at all if people think I’m nuts - they’re not doing this, I am, and we do what helps us xo
Kate, you said this: “My husband may have died but he’s not dead and he’ll never be dead to me.” That statement wins the internets for me today - resounding applause from Down Under xo