Trying to prepare for my wife passing , after being told she has only months left , not sure what to say , on the outside people think I am am coping, but on the inside I’m not
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@Wevets
Oh gosh how do you prepare for such a thing, how hard must that be. Sadly I didn’t have much time to adjust to the prospect of my husbands death as it was all such a great shock, I wish I had the opportunity to reminisce and just sit with him and tell him how special my life had been with him, but there is no guide to help get through this, they are all different and heartbreaking. I wish you all the best and this forum offers support that others can not give you. Sadly people here understand only too well what you are going through. Be kind with yourself, sending lots of love 
Hello,
I’ve travelled your journey, I think everyone copes however they find best, for us we carried on our normal routine as best as we could, no doing bucket lists etc… my husband just wanted normality, so maybe take your wife’s lead?
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Wevets i,ve just been through this. Dont be afraid to ask for help and please don’t bottle things up
My wife had what we - including the GP -thought was sciatica - for about 5 months. Fast forward to the end of June this year and we were told she had liver cancer and had spread to her spine. She passed away on 22 October. My mind is still struggling to grasp how we went from ‘normal’ to this. Most days, I can’t
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We are trying to keep things as normal as possible, which I think helps to degree, I find myself questioning everything thing
I’ve always been the problem solver and sorter but am finding it all exhausting
@Wevets it is exhausting. You’re trying to keep going and be strong while inside you’re breaking up.
There is something called anticipatory grief, which you will no doubt be suffering from.
There might be practical things you want to do - banking etc, and things your wife does too. You’ll have to pick your moment to address these if your wife is struggling to accept things. The hospice should be able to help you too.
I and plenty of others, know how tough it is for you.
Take care.
Yes questioning is normal, we’re thrown into a situation that we’ve not known before, had no training for, I sometimes wished there was a manual that I could follow.
Just read about anticipatory, and can relate to that , which as simple as it maybe is helping me understand
I went through this earlier this year with my husband. He was taken ill on Boxing Day last year and eventually diagnosed in February. From the start they told us he was terminal. We both tried to be positive. We accepted treatments offered but nothing worked. In April he was told he had possibly three months. He died in July. We lived those three months as normally as we could. He carried on doing the things he always did until a few days before he died - struggling up the stairs with a cup of tea for me in the mornings ‘because it’s my job’. He did some practical things - with bank accounts and paperwork. We spent hours reminiscing and telling each other how much we loved each other. We talked briefly about his funeral. I wept deeply and often and he cuddled me and comforted me. He so much didn’t want to die. We had such plans together. He asked all my friends and relatives to look after me because he knew I would find it so hard. I had six months of anticipatory grief and his death still hit me like an avalanche.
Tell her you love her. Hold her and cry with her.
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@Wevets I am so sorry to hear about your wife. My advice would be to just do what feels right for the both of you.
My wife was told in January 23, after two years of cancer treatment that they had not worked and there was nothing else that could be done. She was told she had “weeks, months”, hospital speak for 8-12 weeks, she survived until 28 September. Her cancer nurse admitted in June that how long someone has left is just guesswork…
She thought she wouldn’t see my birthday in March but saw them all , including our youngest daughter’s 30th and her own, albeit in the hospice.
We went to Scotland and Wales on trips away, the girls came back from their own lives to spend time with thier Mum even going on a spa trip away, and we talked.
Yes, anticipatory grief is real, grieving the life together you thought you would have and the dreams and plans you had for the future.
You will also try and prepare for when the inevitable comes, and I wish I could bring words of comfort here but I can’t, it hits like train. But you will carry on, it will hurt like hell, but you get through it, trudging through the quagmire that life becomes.
I wish you and your wife all the best in this worst of journeys. Be kind to each other, show your love for each other and also take time to look after yourself.
Take care…Pete
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Hi Wevets.
My Dad passed away in July - he was terminally ill.
Can I just say - I know that pain, and it is truly heart wrenching. I am sorry you and your Wife are facing this. But you are facing this together… and that is worth so much more than you realise now.
There is no normal way to feel - it’s okay not to cope, sometimes by just being there, you are helping more than you realise.
One thing I will say - is that I’m sure you will be feeling what is called anticipatory grief. It’s very common, and I have realised, 6 months since My Dad passed away, that the feeling of ‘not coping’ is your body’s way of working through it.
You will have days when you cry, and days when you shove things to the back of your mind, and somehow, some way you will be there for your Wife, but you will be there.
What is coping? How can you cope when someone you love so much, is facing this ordeal? I know that the palliative care team, and my Dad’s GP really helped him, and myself, we cried together, and said everything we needed to say…sometimes I wonder if there would ever have been enough time. There isn’t. But one thing I can tell you, with my whole heart, as a christian, is that God looked after my Dad, and Me, throughout the process - things fell into place, I kept talking to something - call him god, call it a belief to help me cope, but I did…something gave Me strength…because I didn’t believe I could have coped, and some how I did.
I know you may read this in two way, it will either bring comfort, or it won’t, but im going to send a prayer for you and your Wife…and I hope and trust your path will become clearer - take one day at a time. Enjoy the time - enjoy now, don’t prepare, just be there.
All my love.
Lucy
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@Wevets
I can totally relate to this, concentrate on being there for her
My wife was diagnosed with Parkinson’s in 2019 but this diagnosis was changed to MSA (Parkinson’s type) in May 21. We moved house to help her and concentrated on her wellbeing and spending time together.
We were fortunate to have an excellent palliative care package, our consultant and MacMillan nurse were fantastic and we had had an amazing nurse from Sue Ryder (Thorpe Hall). Our own GO practice were very good too in fairness
My wife struggled with depression and Sue Ryder provided counselling for her. Effectively the bereavement process has started from the time she was put on Palliative Care so get some support for her and you too.
Make sure she has a ‘Respect’ form in place and an advanced care plan to ensure people understand and respect her wishes !
Do take care and reach out if you need help and don’t hesitate to contact me if I can help as I have been through this situation very recently