Eight weeks on 56 days from losing my soulmate of over 50 years, today was just one of the worst days. I couldnt stop the tears flowing. I drove my lovely 10 year granddaughter to an activity and whilst waiting for her, did a bit of shopping. Bad mistake. I froze and everywhere and everything and all the couples reminded me of what I had lost. Even the car radio on the way home was conspiring playing Beatles songs, our favourites.
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Now my children are really worrying about me in the midst of their own grief. I know i have to get on with life but i just cant at the moment. Your help please. Heartsand
I’m so sorry you have the need to be on this forum.
This is such early days for you with a terrible loss. What you are feeling and how you are reacting is totally normal. Sadly there is no map to follow with this journey following the loss of your partner in life. Some people cry, some can’t; some do things, others can’t do anything; some need to see others, some can’t cope with seeing anybody. It’s all a normal part of grief manifesting in different ways.
I am 2 1/2 years into this new life. I still have times when the tears flow, often without warning. I also have times when I enjoy life and get a buzz from achieving something.
Just don’t expect too much of yourself and let yourself move forward when you are ready. We carry the loss with us but the burden becomes less weighty and all consuming. It can feel like one step forwards and several backwards at times but the brain will rewire to accept the reality of this new life.
There are times when my married life of almost 30 years feels like another life altogether, and in a way it is. I have to create a new life for my daughters sake, if not my own. I am also determined to make my darling husband proud of me and to look after what he created in his life.
Please reassure your children that it is completely normal to feel this way so early after losing your life partner. You have lost your best friend, your future your planned and the love of your life. It doesn’t mean you won’t survive it but be kind to yourself and give it time.
It’s absolutely ok to feel the emotions you are feeling, I lost my partner 2 months ago and I too still have days where I just can’t cope.
You have to really dig deep, allow yourself to feel them emotions and always remember that you are doing amazing and you will get through.
When you feel you can’t cope try to remember those times when you have coped and give yourself a pat on the back for that because you are so much stronger than you realise.
I wish you all the best in your journey, you will get through this!
I am so sorry for your loss.
Its a long lonely journey forward but i am wishing us both luck. Its just a bad season too all shops full of Xmas stuff and dark evenings.
We have to tell ourselves we can do it.
I think i put my children through hell yesterday. I am determined not to today.
Yes go out .
My husband and Im sure your wife would not want us to be like this. Heartsand
@Heartsand and @Rosiejack
The first Christmas after losing my husband I just didn’t want to do anything.
We had always hosted the family Christmas and had people to stay. I didn’t want that and I certainly didn’t want to put up any decorations.
My older daughter persuaded me that it would be awful whatever we did so why not let them come as it may not be quite so awful with other people here. Whether she was right or wrong that’s what we did. To be honest I really can’t remember it now. It all went by in a blur.
I do know I have learned a lot through this terrible loss. I would have been someone who suggested people remember the happy times, bring desperate to try to help in some way. We now know it’s not as easy as that when your world has shattered.
However, making a life is important to honour our loved one. We can’t let their death take us as well. You brain has to rewire, which is both exhausting and slow. Sometimes things feel worse instead of better as time passes but we do learn to live with the grief. Happy moments can be experienced, along with her sadness of not being happy together any more. As one of our number has noted to our friendship group, the two run along together. Being happy doesn’t exclude the sadness.
Please feel free to contact me if you want to try the Zoom meet ups I am starting.
I lost my husband on the 29th February 2024. He went to work and he never came home, he was killed. Its the worst feeling in the world. I am so broken, I thought I was doing better, I’ve travelled abroad 4 times, I’ve been to Cornwall for a week also with family. I’ve been decorating my home and keeping busy and trying to move forward. It hurts so bad, I try, I’m trying. But I’m still terrorised at night and the emptiness I feel in my chest is unreal. I’ve not done anything with my loves belongings, his car and transit van are sat on our drive. I just can’t face that as yet. I still haven’t returned to work, I have a huge complicated in law case and courts etc and there is no way I can face work. And everyone thinks I should be over it. I got a text off my auntie basically telling me that people lose people they love everyday and I obviously think that the world is against me and things could be worse?? You can probably all imagine my reaction.
I am so sorry that we are all here. As Karen has said, it’s very early on for you, take an hour at a time. It doesn’t get easier, and the pain is still raw but we adapt somehow. We grow around the pain and the void.
@JD8369
That’s awful of your Auntie to say that. Yes, people do lose people they love every day but nobody knows what they are going through inside, no matter how they appear on the outside.
I’m sure many of us can function with people we don’t know yet get home and fall apart due to the strain of trying to keep going.
Having support from those who understand is invaluable and being able to tell each other about anything and everything can help. Feeling as if you’ll be judged for what you feel or say is no help at all.
Thank you Karen unfortunately it’s just me and my two young adult children, 20 and 24. I’ve not seen any of our friends since the funeral at 5 weeks and I’ve not seen anyone else other than my younger brother who’s popped in about 4 times since the 4 month mark. Friends I am not in the right headspace for them anyway, right now I don’t want anything to do with my old life as they have all just left me to crack on. But my family I expected more, stupidly.
I thought I was being dramatic over my aunties words, and that I should be better and maybe I overreacted advising her to never preach to a greiving widow who is in hell and to not text me again. I was so upset and confused.
It’s very lonely but I think I’m better off being alone with noone. I can’t tolerate the stupidness and the complete lack of empathy. I have been cracking on, how can people make judgement if they’ve not even seen me? She asked how I was and I told her in brief I was in hell but I’m trying. If she didn’t want to know my true feelings (and she only got a few words in text) then she shouldn’t ask.
I’ve not posted anything in here for a while, because I thought I had nothing to say. But reading posts from fresh newbies in our situation takes me back to those early days when you are just levitating outside of your body, with a whole host of emotions you cannot make sense of other than the pain. I know I’ve travelled and decorated and whatever else but it’s all a blur. Ive started driving again but I don’t trust myself as I zone out and can’t remember how I got to places.
And yes, it’s easier being around people you don’t know.
@JD8369
To be honest I don’t think you did overreact to your Auntie.
I don’t think anyone has a right to tell others how to be, especially if they haven’t been in a similar situation.
I know I thought losing my Dad was terrible and as bad a grief got since I adored him. When I lost my husband I realised it’s a whole different ball game.
If you would like to try chatting to others who do understand more via Zoom then let me know. I’m setting up meetings with a group who wish to give it a try.
Yes, your right. It’s a whole different ball game. A part of you is literally missing. And to go to work or football like mine and your husband and not come home plays havoc with the head and heart. Big hugs
Thank you for speaking with me. It means a lot.
I think I may benefit from the zoom. As noone understands unless they’ve suffered it.
I am so sorry for you loss. Its so hard when someone traumatically just disappears from your life. I find that the hardest thing to deal with
Keep strong . I feel a bit better today thank goodness. Heartsand x
unfortunately it’s just me and my two young adult children, 20 and 24. I’ve not seen any of our friends since the funeral at 5 weeks and I’ve not seen anyone else other than my younger brother who’s popped in about 4 times since the 4 month mark. Friends I am not in the right headspace for them anyway, right now I don’t want anything to do with my old life as they have all just left me to crack on. But my family I expected more, stupidly.