Yesterday I went to my nephew’s funeral, 35 with a young wife & little girl. Hearing her beautiful tribute to her husband & the future cancer has taken away from them, it made me thankful for the years me & Derek had. Whilst being taken at 59 took many happy years away from us & that hurts every day even 6 years on, being able to have 25 years of moments we shared & memories we made is something to be thankful for. My heart breaks for his family & parents left behind & I’m lucky to have had so much time with my ‘One’ 
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Thats so sad .i had 40 happy years with my husband …and i have friends who havent found true love .so i do think this sometimes but i also see couples miserable still together and i think why my lovely colin and not them.
I know this is wrong and maybe in time this will change .
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I think those of us lucky enough to find our true love will always think “why them”? But it can coincide with feeling thankful too. The words he left us with had impact for many there yesterday & it was what he wanted to say to his wife & to us all
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Jah25, its not wrong, i feel the same. X
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Those words are lovely..so true .hopefuly in time i will be àble to live again xx
I see you you further on in this nightmare than me ..its so difficult .some days i have a few hours where i dint feel as sad ..but it soon returns x
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I don’t think the sadness ever leaves, especially hits you when you look around & see most people are couples who are comforting each other at sad times & enjoying themselves together at happier times. Time just enables you to live with it better, even many years on life events, particularly family ones, leave me emotionally drained & I need to switch off for a while. Sending love & strength 
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Thank you x
I find it hard to be interested in things ..just seem to be going through the motions.
I try to arrange social things but i dobt know why its easier to just stay home x
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What you’re feeling is natural, in a way I sort of missed that step as we went into lockdown not long after my husband passed away, so I didn’t have to go out or find excuses not to. On the other hand it was very isolating, I was drinking too much & I had very dark thoughts. I started to write & getting my thoughts & rambling out of my head onto paper helped & then we were able to form bubbles so I joined with my Mum, that saved me from myself. I often wonder now 6 years on how I got here, but we do it because we have to. It’s a journey no one wants to have. I recall my GP saying to me your life as it was also ended with theirs, the future you planned has gone & it’s no wonder you’re feeling in despair. That stayed with me & I was kinder to myself, not expecting too much of myself. You never get over it, you learn to live with it. You don’t move on, you slowly move forward. You will find your way 
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I feel like that too my partner of almost 40 years led a healthy life, did all the right things yet was taken suddenly at age 66 five months ago. I’m envious of couples as I feel so alone now. I’m also angry at people who drink heavily take drugs and abuse their bodies. They are still alive so they should grateful instead of slowly killing themselves.
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I too wrote my thoughts down just to get them out of my head. I had a lot of anger towards consultants, nurses etc at KGH due to their failings in my husband’s care which ended in terminal cancer. I started having reflexology which helped calm me down and she suggested writing stuff down. I didn’t think it would work but it does. I write it, read it and bin it and if it comes into my head again then I write it again until it goes. A lot of the anger has gone but I haven’t forgotten and never will. I drink too much but I am trying to cut back but if I have a bad day (still many) then I have a drink to calm me and help me sleep.
I don’t see myself as having a future, I take it day by day. I’ve probably got 30years to live yet, not that I wish to. If I get cancer then I’m not fighting it. I saw what it did to my husband and we had to beg and I do mean beg for him to have it. They just wanted him to go home and die a horrible death. (Rare cancer liposarcoma and previously prostate cancer. He grew up in toxic town. Lots of things are resurfacing there!) Having the chemo kept him alive for another 10 months until his body couldn’t cope no more. The tumour was huge and was crushing all his insides. He went from a 32 inch waist to 51 inch waist. The tumour made him look like he was having triplets. Could no longer walk with the weight of it. So much more happened. It was horrific.
He didn’t deserve it. Life is so cruel for all of us on here. Sending hugs out to you all. Xx
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Not only are you experiencing enormous grief, the trauma that you & many have to carry adds so much anger & guilt, so many emotions. I complained to PALS & whilst many of the things were addressed, I feel the response of ‘lessons will be learnt’ & ‘additional training’ is the standard response but I felt I had done something. My husband’s experience in hospital was something I never want anyone to go through but sadly things don’t appear to change. I am of the same mind as you, I wouldn’t want any treatment for anything, hence why I don’t go to the Drs because I remember my husband saying, once they get hold of you they never let you go! Take care x
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Hi,
Yes it is trauma along with the grief. We too went to PALS while my husband was alive. They then sent it to Serious Investigation Unit who at first said it was delayed diagnosis and a Medium case. That outraged us so my husband and I sent a response from each of us as to how our lives were then. They also had him down as being single and no children. They responded and said it was a Serious outcome. If we hadn’t responded it would have gone down as a lesser lesson for them to learn from. Also would have made the hospital look better..When companies/people say that they will learn from what’s happened just makes me laugh. They never learn ever because a lot of the staff do not care about there patients. Some of the stuff which was said to us were unbelievable. Even now when my mum goes into hospital (severe Alzheimer’s) the way she has been treated is awful. Not all the staff are bad. We then took it on with solicitors to sue but when Jim died 10 months later, I couldn’t carry it on as I was on the verge of a breakdown.
Trying to rebuild your life without your soulmate seems impossible and a continuing uphill struggle.
I wish you strength and courage to carry on each day. When the Sun comes out enjoy the rays and breathe. Xx
I look at each day as a day further away from him but also a day closer to him, coming.
Getting a bit deep now. Take care my friend, big hugs and Thank you for replying xxx
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Thank you ..i dont know how you coped goibg tbrough this during lockdown x
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