The aftermath of a changed life forever

What to do now .with the rest of my life?.or should I say existence.I find myself frozen in and at a standstill.I seem to not have any inclination to go .or try move forward.I want to turn time back.but of course we can’t.I miss my darling girl my heart as dissolved with sorrow.I miss her so much she was my life my friend my confidante my every thing.I still cannot believe it.its so hard to endure .I pray for all of us on this site wish we could all hug each other.annettexxx

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Hi Annette, my heart goes out to you. I lost my mum seven weeks ago and feel incredible shock and sadness too. I can’t imagine never seeing her lovely face again or hearing her voice. Our most valued possession now is our memories. Hold on to them and be strong.

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Annette.
I think that whatever any of us in this mess says, it helps, even if only a very little bit. My wife died very quickly, although not suddenly, 12 March. We had been lovers for over 40 years. She was my reason for everything but I have begun to realise, well articulate, that she was why I am me. Those so close to us and with whom we are desperately lost without are part of the us, or the me, that is left behind. We need to try to discover in ourselves the strengths they gave to us throughout their lives. Yes we will always have a hole in our lives which exactly matches that person, mine is Sylvia shaped, yours will be different but we do owe it to them to do our very best to cherish their lives but we are still here, we need to do stuff. I am very lucky that I have close family around me, but they are hurting too so they also have a Sylvia shaped hole in their lives. I have found someone who didn’t know Sylvia, who doesn’t have a Sylvia shaped hole to look at but asks me all sorts of questions about her, she, yes she, helps me by asking and letting me ramble on about our lives. She is not a counsellor, just a real person, a real person who too carries scars from her life and is really helping. For me talking, yes and writing about my grief really helps, this site is wonderful because, like now, I can simply sit and talk to the keyboard. The keyboard doesn’t have any preconceived ideas about us and our loss and it isn’t hurting like we are and like those close to us. I don’t give advise especially at this raw time in my life but all I can “offer” is to look at the wonderful times loved one bestowed on us throughout their, and our lives. Value and treasure that and try to remember they helped make just who we are today, yes today we are all still very raw because of our loss but they gave us so much and will continue to give to us. We, none of us in this state should forget that we are real and have real experiences because of the value our loved ( much loved ) ones gave to us throughout their lives. Just try to remember that and try to build you next life on those loving foundations. Not sure that helps much but it always helps me.
Steve

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Steve, thank you, that is lovely. Yes, I have seen that who I am is very much because of Andy, and what I can do now is because of what having him around has helped me to be. Annette, I have found writing has helped. I only just found this site today but for a long while I have kept a daily diary online where I could just get the thoughts out, and the successes (I started to put a positive about each day, even if it was just enjoying my lunch or getting through choir practice without tears for the first time since it happened). I have found it has helped and it has also created a routine where there wasn’t one.

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Trishj
Thanks for you very upbeat reply, this “steve’s philosophy” is a consequence of me really starting to get my life in some order. For the few weeks immediately after Sylvia died I was galloping ahead doing all the administration tasks, I then hit, and I do really mean, hit, a palpably solid wall. My mind just stopped and my body was a little late in catching up. Sylvia was the brains in our partnership and so I had to take over that mantle, and doing this was extremely hard. Whilst I can’t really say I asked myself just what she would say if she saw me in that state but I began to talk to someone who knew very little about my life, indeed never knew Sylvia. She asked some very intuitive questions and allowed me to begin to develop this philosophy. It has developed and I can now simply forget that I was looking at one time for a waterproof keyboard! Seriously I shed so many tears there was a real risk with the keyboard. Part of this was the wonderful accolades friends from around the world wrote to me about Sylvia. She was a very skilled beekeeper and helped, mentored and encouraged other beekeepers, some who visited our home in France travelling from around the world. At this time, under the skilled questioning of my “new friend” I was encouraged to keep pushing against my hurt. I now really do have pride in my life with Sylvia and the values we developed throughout our wonderful life together. I can write like this without desperately needing the tissues!
Yesterday I visited friends who attended Sylvia’s funeral, that was a difficult day for me and clearly everyone of us on the whole of this site share those feelings, but they talked about my courage on that day. With my two sons, and three friends opposite we lowered Sylvia’s coffin into the ground. I can just about recall that but it was all “part” of my, our, goodbye to her body. These friends assure me it was a very intimate moment and they then understood just how close our relationship was.
I am using that as one of the main drives behind my day to day philosophy, I know I have the power to live the rest of my life because my life was so full because we had our life together. Nothing will ever change what I have, what I will always have, yes I will every day have a Sylvia shaped hole but she gives me the strength to live. She believed in people, so long as they gave their best, she would never accept second best from herself, from me and our children and from the thousands of students she taught throughout her career in education. She will be hard to live up to in my new life but I will do it, for her and for me. Some of this is a bit silly but I know what I mean, do your best every day because the person you grieve for would expect it, don’t let them down.
Steve, a person finding his way through a difficult world…

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Hmm, I did that busy bit at the beginning too. Andy was my way of dealing with Aspergers so any problem, big or small, there he would be to help me sort it out. My first task was to put some structure and support in place and I worked really hard at that. I think having got so far with that I just relaxed a bit and it really hit me badly again. I have found getting new friends has helped, people who understand me one way or another, and who understand how important Andy is to me. I am finding that seeing people that knew both of us is still a very emotional experience and it is difficult to know how to respond to them.
Trish (it always was a difficult world but for a while there Andy made it manageable…)

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