Hi everyone, desperate for support tonight.
I lost my dad to cancer 14 weeks ago. Today is his birthday, he would have been 68.
My Mum and Dad purchased a caravan a few years ago and my dad recently upgraded it to a fancy new one with his retirement money. He only got to use it a handful of times before he became too ill to come down, and then passed. It was his happy place, his passion, somewhere he just lit up and left all his worries behind. It was a place our small family could meet up and enjoy time together. It was very much his caravan, his choices, his decorations, his little beach garden out the front, and we loved that.
Today on his birthday the park opened again for the season…me and mum made the trip down for one night. We’ve been dreading it because of all the emotions it would inevitably bring back, but we both desperately hoped it would give us a sence of peace and closeness with him too. We cried as we pulled up outside, seeing his garden over grown, and all his ornaments and shells he’d collected from the beach just the year before. We were instantly filled with agony and sadness, and have stayed like that all day. I can still hear mum sobbing in their bedroom next door 
. We were starting to get into a routine at home, eating well, sleeping better and moving forward. Today we have been thrown right back into those first few weeks after we lost him, and the sickness and devastation that came with it. I have all those aches and pains again, no appetite and a banging headache. I feel weepy constantly and so very anxious. We feel fearful and hopeless once again. We didn’t want to feel like this in his happy place, so we’re disappointed in ourselves too. We’re so broken all over again like we’re back at square one, and it’s such an exhausting and discouraging feeling.
Death is so unfair. Their retirement they worked so hard for all these years just ripped away from them. Cancer has ruined us all. I hope once we’re home tomorrow we can get back to our usual routine and feel a bit better, but this first has been the worst of all. I hope and pray that we can one day come back to our holiday home and feel happy to be here. I know these things can take time, but tonight it all literally feels worse than ever 
x
So sorry for your loss and for the pain you are feeling right now. Sending you much love xxx
It’s all those firsts, they get you every time. You’ve had two today, his birthday and visiting the park, and it’s no wonder it feels worse. I’m sorry you’re both hurting and it will be easier the next time, but that doesn’t do much now, so I’m sending you love and gentle hugs to help carry you through the night. 
Sending both you and your mum hugs and strength You paint such a lovely picture of the caravan and what it meant to your Dad. I think its understandable that we get these setbacks because we’re still only finding our way on this new path without our loved one - it doesnt take much to push us off course. I lost my mum 17 weeks ago and something happened this week that instantly catapulted me back to week 1, the grief and how it felt changed in an instant, the deep exhaustion and numbness that i felt in those early weeks returned. I guess its the bodys fight or flight kicking in when we get a sudden jolt of reality. I sat with it and let it run its course and it has subsided for me so i hope it does also for you and your mum. Maybe ithe emotion of it being his birthday and that jolt of being somewhere so strongly linked to him, but him not being there was just too overwhelming this time. But hopefullly in time you will be able to be there and recall the happy memories and feel him with you. Thinking of you both tonight
Hi Peppermint,
My heart goes out to you. Going to a place that holds so many memories and hopes for the future is always heartbreaking.The first time for everything is the worst. In time you will find that the caravan will become your a place if strength and it will be a place where you will feel close to your dad. Try to think of him being there with you all. Make more memories there like he would want you to. Easier said than done I know. It will take a long time .
When I visit my mum’s house it has the same affect on me and that’s after 14 months. It sets me back for days every time I visit her house.
Sending you love and I hope you find the strength to carry on spending time at the caravan
Deborah x
@Ulma thank you for your kind words, they’re very helpful in this sad and scary time. I hope you are coping xxx
Thank you @Ally6 for your reasurrance. I’ve read your reply over a few times, and it’s made me feel better and more hopeful. I’m sorry you’ve also had this experience recently. It’s terrifying that it can just pop back up on you out of nowhere. The pain and exhaustion is something I dread now and I’m trying to avoid any situation that will potentially put me back there, however I can’t avoid the caravan, and don’t want to. It was the only place our family could really be a family together, and that loss is so hard to digest, but I want to remember all the amazing memories we had there without them feeling so painful. My mum described the caravan as feeling completely empty without him there, and I felt exactly the same. The silence was heartbreaking. I’m praying we can fill it with new memories for the next few years and find joy again in his happy place before we can’t afford to keep it anymore…that will be a sad day 
. Thank you for thinking of us, this forum has been such a HUGE help in these crazy months xxx
Thank you so much @seychelles Deborah your words are so kind and reassuring. We’ve come home now as it was a lot over 2 days. We had to go to the office and change over my dads details to my mums so it’s in her name now and we didn’t want to cry but it was too hard to hold it in. I remember him sitting in the same office like it was yesterday, upgrading his van, telling everyone how excited he was for his retirement. We had no idea he would have it ripped from under him in a matter of months. I’m still dealing with the trauma associated to his illness and death so every 1st brings all of that back up again too. It all feels so unfair and criminal. I really do hope the caravan becomes our place of strength and that we start to feel his presence there in the memories we hold so dear.
Hi Peppermint,
Don’t thank me it’s fine That’s what this site is for . To help support and just offer friendship when someone is struggling and we are all doing that.
Take small baby steps ok and try to survive each morning then each afternoon. Get through the days however best you can. There are no right or wrong answers or ways to do anything . Everything is up in the air when you grieve .I can’t give any answers except just do anything you can to survive each day and try your best to look after yourself by eating and sleeping. Nothing else matters for now.
We are call here for you
Love Deborah x