The backwards stage?

Hey guys

I know there are a lot of regulars on here who posted around the same time as me and I’m just curious if anyone feels the same?

It’s been 10 months ish since my mum died and I feel as if I’m going backwards? We have done sooooo many fun things together, holidays, days out and the house is full of photos of all these memories but I feel like I can’t remember them? If I sit down to think about her, I only think of bad stuff…I only think of her in hospital…her face…her last breath it’s as if my mind has blocked out all the good times?

In the early days, I was “fine” I went back to work, I would constantly do stuff with my son at the weekends, kind of to fill the void as we always used to do something as a three and I could go days, maybe weeks without even thinking about her
But lately, I have no motivation, I can’t be bothered to go work, I’m not sleeping, I’m having terrible dreams and it’s getter harder for me to find things for me and my son to do, we have pretty much done everything and been everywhere! At night time I find myself spending hours just laying on my bed, doing nothing, thinking nothing and before I know it…it’s morning again and back to our routine of being happy and getting on with things.

I bumped in to a old school friend in town last week who asked how my mum was…I panicked and said oh she’s fine :see_no_evil: I know that’s not normal behaviour and I don’t know why I said it. It’s almost as if it my brain won’t let me say the words, oh she’s gone now.

Basically…I actually feel like I’m going insane. Anyone else? Lol xxxxxx

If you have time on your hands, look at the recent posts from me, jooles, daffy and shaun amongst others and you can see that we are dealing with our mums deaths worse now than we ever were at the beginning.
I’m hardly living apart from work and looking after my daughter and the house. I have no social life and don’t crave one.
It’s not normal for me. I think about my mum 24/7 and miss her more than words can say. I am also still in a certain amount of disbelief last summer even happened even though I can’t explain where my mum is.
Just wanted you to know that you are not alone
Cheryl x

Tasha2019, I’m only just over 3 months into the loss of my Mum, but I totally understand not wanting to divulge that your Mum has passed. A week back I totally ignored and walked past someone I know and like, so to avoid having to tell them Mum had died. I did feel a bit guilty afterwards. It’s normal to want to avoid emotions sometimes, especially if you are out and about.
I lost my Dad 20 years ago.
You are not insane, you are grieving and it’s still raw.

Yes sorry you feel like this. It really is horrible I know. I’m the same. My mum passed last July after a short battle with terminal lung cancer 3 weeks in fact. It has been horrendous. I had some work leave when she was diagnosed and in hospitil. I had 3 weeks off in total. So I then went back to work. But the last month I have gone back to the feelings I first had when she was poorly. I cant get her out of my head, her eyes full of fear, her panic when visiting hours were over. I feel pain, guilt, despair anxiety and dont want to go out. I’m on sick leave again and waiting for councelling. I really thought I was getting my head round it all. Obviously not. So I get what you are saying. Take care xxx

Hi @Tasha2019
I can completely mirror your feelings of ‘going crazy’. It’s been just over 3 months since I lost my Dad and like you, I feel like I’m going mad. At the beginning, I was in shock, sheer heartbreak, I woke up and went to sleep with the biggest darkest hole in my chest. Over the last month I’d say I’m reverting back to the way it was at the start. I know I’m still quite early on, but I thought I was getting better in terms of getting some sleep, cooking again, cleaning, starting to see friends but now it’s like day 1. I can’t sleep, my mind is just racing with my Dad on the brain. I still don’t want to go back to work, see people, face work friends. I’ve still avoided a lot of normality because I just can’t imagine having to say the words ‘my dad is gone’ or the worst one… ‘he’s dead’. Typing it is one thing but actually speaking the words???
It doesn’t help I’m still being messaged by his friends who are only just finding out. Condolences are lovely thoughts but they do bring it all back.

You’re not alone. You’re not crazy… we aren’t crazy. We’re people devastated by the loss of a dearly loved one. The best ones are supposed to hurt like hell… or so I’m told.

Love to you x

Yes, I think ‘the backwards stage’ is definitely a thing….

Just coming up to a year since I lost my Mum. For the first few months I was on autopilot just getting through all the legal, practical stuff that had to be done. Once that was over, I slumped into a nothingness which has lasted until very recently. Now it’s like I’m reverting back to how I should have felt when she first died.

You definitely aren’t alone.

I have certainly gone backwards today, six months on. I understand that this is normal.
MaryL x x x x

Don’t think of it as a backwards step…that is punitive and unfair on yourself. I’m sharing this picture…it’s what grief is…


Thank you, Liz, I find the diagram, helpful. x