Friends of my wife keep referring to my wife’s diagnosis of stage 4 pancreatic cancer and the subsequent 6 months of treatment as a “battle” which she “bravely fought”. I let them keep their illusions.
It wasn’t a battle. More like Hiroshima, or Nagasaki.
They don’t get it. They weren’t there, and they think that sending flowers and platitudes helps.
I know they mean well, but I just want her back how she was. The emptiness and silence is deafening.
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Hi @Blake,
I’m so sorry to hear about your wife and can understand you’re feeling this way.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.
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Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
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Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
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Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
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Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Becca
Online Community Team
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Dear @Blake
I’m so sorry for what you are going through.
I understand.
I lost my husband on August 24th 2022. 20 months and 1 day ago. It could be yesterday it still feels so raw, and I still have not accepted that it is true.
I hate all the platitudes too. I know they are coming from a well meaning place. But it doesn’t help. They all feel empty to me at best, and completely lacking in understanding at worst.
My husband was ill for 7 years before he died, sometimes very very poorly. In last 4 years or so I pretty much cared for him 24 hours , while still holding down a full time job.
He had multiple hospital admissions,
I lost count of the number of times I was told he might not make it this time. But he did every time, even though it meant coming home at a lower base level , and so getting weaker each time.
I adored caring for him. It was my pleasure and privilege.
Among the ‘messages of support’ (!!!) I received…
“Well just think he was lucky to get as long as he did”
" It’s not like it was a shock, you knew he was going to die"
“At least he’s no longer in pain”
"So now it’s time to think of yourself "
Like you, I don’t want to hear any of those things.
I just want him back with me.
And as time goes by for everyone else, it gets even worse, because they ALL think that I should be okay by now.
But they don’t get it. Just because 20 months has gone by, doesn’t mean I’m less sad, less lonely, less heartbroken.
In fact it’s worse, because I’ve missed him for longer 
Sorry, I can’t help you. Well hopefully a bit, by letting you know, you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings.
There will be many on here who feel just the same as both of us.
Love, hugs and strength to you
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Hi @Cathphil I/we looked after my husband at home in a hospital bed for the last three and a half weeks of his life. I would do it again in a heartbeat. It is 26 months and I miss him so much. Like everyone else I just wish I could have him back here with me.x
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Hi @Loobyloo2
My husband had a hospital bed right at the end too. Just the last 12 days .
He had had 2 admissions to hospital in the July and beginning of August.
In the last admission, serious discussions with his consultant ( who we had known for 6 years) about the stage of his chronic respiratory illnesses, which included where he wanted to die. He came home on August 4th, his consultant even wrote the discharge papers , which is highly unusual.
These included getting a hospital bed, and being sent home with 'just incase medication ’
The bed arrived on August 12th. 6 days later on the 18th he became very poorly again, too ill for hospital.
His ‘just in case meds’ which I now know actually mean ‘end of life meds’ began. And I was supported by Mountbatten nurses and community nurse team to give him end of life care. The drugs were delivered through drivers, and needed regular top ups , day and night. They were wonderful people, and helped me make my husband’s last days peaceful.
He died 6 days after the meds started, and short 12 days after the bed arrived.
Sorry for the personal post, as I started typing, the details just started tipping out.
Thank you for the space here to be able to.
Love hugs and strength to you all
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@Blake …my partner was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He passed away in December having been given the two year all clear earlier in the year… you’re absolutely right about how it feels… it destroys you both, in different ways, there’s no way to describe how the last few weeks were… watching that destruction and being completely helpless.
Your anger is natural… people who haven’t been through it can’t possibly understand what you both went through.
Keep talking, especially here…
We can’t make it better for you but we will listen.
Hugs x
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@Blake pancreatic cancer is brutal. I’d like to be able to tell you it gets easier, but almost 7 months later it hasn’t happened yet.
You are so right, people who haven’t been through it, don’t get it.
Keep talking and take baby steps.
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I lost my husband to pancreatic cancer too. That was 114 days ago. He was never that poorly so on that respect we were lucky.
We were told in December that it was pancreatic cancer, and that it had spread everywhere. He died on 4th January. I just feel empty.
Hi @Cathphil don’t apologise for putting your experience and feelings down. It must be so difficult remembering what happened in those final days and the lead up to losing your husband. Sometimes it helps to air those feelings other times too painful. Now, I struggle with the loneliness. I spend a lot of time on my own and find it soul destroying. I do try and get out but it just feels so uncomfortable being in the company of others and my lovely husband being absent. Thank you for replying to my post.x
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