When we have life so good for so long, the bubble is due to burst, it can’t nor wont go on forever, well I always knew this but now everything, everyone is gone one by one, I am not coping…well yes I always saw this coming just not in the order it has happened…Yes my three darling fur babies, my dogs, and now Richard who believed he was following orders in keeping himself alive, went for all the sudden and recent invasive tests, took all the pills-medications he was prescribed, kept up his weekly COPD weekly exercise group, purposely lost some weight, so where did this all get him? now where, he was taken suddenly when neither of us was expecting him to be taken on that fateful morning 11th April…
I never even had time to tell Richard that I never meant all the nasty things I had often said to him, that I do love him…now I am telling him this over and over again, I so hope he can hear me as I am driving myself mad-tormenting myself, that he has gone and will never know the truth…
Hi Jackie, it makes me sad to read that you are torturing yourself with thoughts of what ifs and what nots. I went into my bubble when I lost my husband. One of my goals has been to finding peace within me; through my thoughts, my well-being and my heart. It has happened, very gradually over the last few months although I now have ongoing problems with my sight.
I remember…love means never having to say you’re sorry…only you felt the strength of the love that Richard had for you, remember the caring and the kindness he showed to you, every single day. He knew how much you loved him…keep him in your heart and allow your mind to rest by doing something to occupy it …going back to childhood activities worked as a starting point for me. I’ve started baking again, following Bero recipes, just like my Mam did.
We are thinking of you Jackie and send you strength and love, as you continue on your grief journey…we are holding your hand, take care, xx
Richard was devoted to me, and cared for me, no matter what I threw at him, no not literally just words that once said, or several time s from me, can not be taken back, he has gone to his grave never knowing how much I really cared about him, and loved him…Richard is suffering no more but I am…
I never had the chance to tell him…he was already gone by the time I found him dead in his armchair…He was literally always there for me, and where was I? in the computer room totally oblivious until the phone rang, wasn’t answered, then two or three taps on the arms of the armchair which I know now…I am sure he had only just those seconds died…The one time I should have been there for him, I wasn’t…I now have to live with this for the rest of what is left of my life…
Jackie, please stop being so hard on your self. My wife and I had a few tiffs it is normal, although unpleasant. I am sure that you made up after to each other, and by your words, “he was always there for you” Richard like most men knew you were just being emotional when you said those comments to him. My sweet wife would cast up things to me that happened more than 40 years ago, its called marriage. I knew she loved me, she was just emotional. Please stop kicking yourself he loved you!
Vincent…
…yes that was me, kept raking up things from the past, all pointless and meaningless now, that was where they should have stayed, in the past…
Rainbow & Vincent…
…I keep talking to Richard and crying uncontrollably begging-asking Richard to give me a sign that he is hearing me when I keep telling him I didn’t mean it, I have always loved him…and do love him…If he could just send me a sign it would put me out of my misery…
Hi Jackie, if only there was something that could ease your misery just a little bit. There’s quite a few posts under the Signs thread…it opened my eyes as to what could be happening all around me. Everyone has their own thoughts and as for me…whatever crumb of comfort that comes my way…I’m so grateful for it.
I focus on the love that is within me and try to pay it forward. You have Richard’s love within you and always will. He helped make you how you are…treasure his love and keep on talking to him, I do…all day long. Just relieved people don’t seem to notice I haven’t actually got an earpiece…maybe I should get one just in case!!! Kind wishes, xx
Hi Jackie, I’m really sorry to hear you are struggling so much. Keep talking to Richard and talk about the good times you had together too. He is listening and wouldn’t want you to torture yourself over things that have been said in the heat of the moment. I too regret some of the things I said, but that is all part and parcel of loving each other and being able to say things and forgiving. Don’t get me wrong, we were both stubborn and wouldn’t talk to each other for a bit! I used to beat myself up thinking I should have done more to prevent this happening but deep down I know I did my best. Richard would be so proud of you and how you are coping as I know Simon would be of me. I know we both miss them terribly, everyday, but I imagine Simon with all our fur babies and our mums and it does put a smile on my face, even if it is a small smile.
Take care Jackie, thinking of you. Xx