How many of you remember the song ‘Oh my papa’ the Clown. Are we Clown like? It’s a known fact that many Clowns known over the years were suffering all sorts of mental problems. But when they entered the Ring they changed character and became objects of fun; made people laugh and smile.
I don’t know about you, but I do just that. Not behave like a Clown exactly, (men in white coats may arrive!!!), but put on a brave face. This is fine as far as it goes, but it does give the impression we are ‘over it’, or over the worst when we are in pain inside.
Someone said to me that I had done so well since my wife died 14 months ago. Have I? I get days of real pain and grief, I still miss her so much. OK, so I am better than I was, but like a fool, I imagined it would take less time than it has. I know there is no set time and no ‘cover all’ solutions. The past year often seems like yesterday when it all happened.
I find a major problem in going to places we went to together. The surroundings stay the same but the feeling of pleasure is not there.
Clowns cover their faces with paint, perhaps to hide the pain. Someone said in a recent post that we have to be honest with ourselves. True!! It’s happened and there’s not a thing we can do to change it, but that does not prevent it still being painful.
I think it comes back to the fact that outer appearances can be deceptive. ‘But you look so well’!!! Do I? Not inside I’m not.
On a bus or train when we look at people we just don’t know what’s going on in their minds. We may look normal, whatever that means, but we are in pain. Maybe we should not judge when people seem to not care or say things that upset us. So many are brash and seem uncaring when, like the Clown, it’s a cover up for their suffering. Many in bereavement lash out and appear angry. It’s another symptom of grief. Anger with life; anger with God, angry with fate that seems so uncaring.
Unlike the Clown we should not ‘bottle up’ emotions. We can, perhaps, have a smile now and then and even laugh, but putting on a brave face is not always helpful.
Blessings. John.
Your post Jonathan, brings to mind the song by Smokey Robinson, Tears of a Clown.
If I appear to be carefree, it’s only to camouflage my sadness…
Tears of a clown, when there’s no one around
Etc, etc.
Oh Jonathan your words are so true I have this brave face on but when I’m on my own i just brack down, when my son goes off to work in the mornings I’m all smiles but as soon as the door shut and even before he started his car I’m crying,
Popped up the shops this morning was ok in the shop but cried all the way home as could just see my roger walking the same route every morning getting his paper,
Yes what shows on the outside is totally different then whats going on in the inside but its what we do well I do anyway take care
Oh John so true. I sometimes don’t know how we all do it. Living a life yet not, if you know what I mean. I never expected this. I knew I was losing Brian, I knew that it would be hard but I thought that I would just carry on as normal after the grieving time (whatever that is) and pick up the pieces but Brian would no longer be with me. I have lived alone before I knew the score. But it has been nothing like I expected it to be. Grief destroys us, the people we are. Our confidence, the anxiety and so much more, all this we have to learn to get past before anything like a life is going to appear and then it will never be as expected. Not for me anyway. Now I am learning to ‘cover up’, finding me, on the outside anyway. I too look around me now well aware that there might be pain and grief in other peoples lives that we have no idea about. I was told to cheer up when at a checkout by a complete stranger, this was a couple of weeks after Brian died and I was struggling to hold it together until I got away from that shop. Of course she had no idea why I looked so miserable but I’m afraid she did get the sharp edge of my tongue which shut her up pretty quick…
Once again any thanks John for your help and don’t go painting your face just yet.
Love Pat xxx
Hi.Pat.
Yeah, I know. ‘Cheer up, all is not lost’ someone told me recently. ‘It is you know, well, very nearly’ I replied. . It seems to me that the world is divided into those who know and those who don’t. Those who don’t can be a real pain in the butt and are best avoided. I find a smile and walk on is the best way. I don’t meet many these days. I won’t paint my face yet. I might put on a bit of war paint now and then. Some still annoy me with stupid remarks. Take care, a hug and Blessings. XX
Hi Pat, Jon, and everyone, Your words are so true that we 'put on a brave or ‘happy face’ feeling that we must convey to the world that we are ‘alright’. As I said in another thread a few days ago I am considering moving to a retirement Complex. Most people say that this a ‘sensible’ plan, my daughter thinks it will be ‘great’! For who? Well, to date, yes I’ve sold my home subject to contract and the legal path has begun. But, although on the one hand I know everything is going forward quite well so far, and that I should be feeling pleased - would you believe I’ve been in tears at the thought of leaving my present bungalow that my beloved Alan and I chose together twelve years ago! Our seventh home in 59 years of marriage! So now, I’m realising that grief stays longer than we think it will, yes I’m putting on a brave face, but at this precise moment just have to accept I will not be ‘over’ the loss of my dear husband just because I may (or may not) be moving house. I know I could change everything and stop the move, but I’ve also got to feel that I wont regret that! My world is a bit topsy turvy at present. I expect I’ll get over it. Thanks to all who wrote to me earlier on this. Deidre