a few weeks ago i found out someone ive known quite closely for the past 5 years had passed away. it was so unbelieveably sudden and everyone was left in a state of shock. it is my first time fully feeling loss as an adult, and going through the notions of grief has been unbelievably confusing. the denial that its actually true, because how can it be?? i keep picturing her face and our conversations and finding myself in a state of total disbelief, because she was right there? she was always right there and now sheâs not, how is that even possible. i imagine her face and thats not a dead woman at all what do you mean. ive been left in a state of constant debilitating anxiety the second i step into the school building, it makes me feel violently sick and on the verge of passing out and has completely taken my appetite, and i cannot stop crying. i just feel stuck, like time is moving ahead but its left me behind. im watching everyone go about the day like everythings normal. theyre sat talking and laughing and teachers assign homework and threaten that your mocks are approaching, just like they wouldve done if she was still here. but shes not still here, things are not normal.
last week, we were informed that it was actually suicide. it was like a stab in the heart. it shouldnt really make much a difference but it did. it makes the entire situation even more impossible to wrap my head around. how on earth could that be real. no matter how many times i repeat it to myself or hear it it will never ever be true. her death was preventable? what do u mean. what do u mean she chose to end her life and we couldve done something to stop it. she could still be here. but now there are hundreds of people mourning this loss, when they shouldnt be. it makes me so angry, not at her persay, but at the situation. why did nobody help her? why didnt i notice? why didnt anybody notice?? how could she have been so low that she thought the only way out was fucking suicide. i feel ill. she had kids. i dont know how im ever going to be able to move past this loss, everything reminds me of her. i never noticed how often people mention suicide casually in convo until now. it makes my heart ache. im so unbelievably lost and hurt and confused and angry.
Hello @anonymous,
I can see that youâre new to the community. I hope you find it to be a support to you, but I am so sorry for the loss that brings you here.
I can hear the pain and confusion in your words. I wanted to share these resources with you, as I know members who have lost someone to suicide have found them helpful.
- Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide offer support to people over 18 who have been affected by suicide. They have a supportline on 0300 111 5065 and run support groups nationally.
- Support after Suicide has a list of local and national support.
You might also want to explore our Online Bereavement Support, where you find our Grief Guide self-help platform, and how to access our Online Bereavement Counselling.
Thank you again for sharing â please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Seaneen
@anonymous
I am so sorry for what you have experienced. Our minds are very strongly wired to cling to what is âour normalâ. The suddenness of this and the shocking circumstances means your mind is constantly struggling to process the change and accept a new reality. That is completely normal. I lost my husband 6 months ago and still utter the phrase âhow can this be true?â quite a lot. And experiencing deep grief does make us feel a huge disconnect with the rest of the world.
The very depth that you are feeling this loss in actually shows how emotionally mature that you are. You have the capacity to grasp the enormity of what happened in a world in which, sadly as you have seen, people often only react superficially to so many things. Many people only feel this grief/loss for the first time with close family members but our lives are deeply affected by a much wider circle of our âtribeâ of people, as you have found. It sounds awful, but how you feel bodes well for your future. You will surely feel the same depth of love in the future with all the wonderful things that that can bring. Not everyone is blessed with that. Grief and love are two sides of the same coin.
I hope it has helped you just a little to write down what you are feeling. If so, do carry on. If you have been offered any counselling then do take it, because talking things through will help you. It is harder for you when other people around you canât see or feel as you obviously can and might have expected them too. Thatâs truly disorientating.
thank you so much for your perspective, truly your words have really resonated with me i appreciate it. and im very sorry about the loss of your husband, i hope this website has helped you work through it, i know ive found just being able to write my thoughts down with people who actually understand immensely helpful.
i have been offered counselling, i previously rejected it but am now realising it would probably be beneficial, and this is something a lot bigger than me.
thank you again for taking the time to reply 
@anonymous
I am so sorry youâve had to go through this, seemingly so young. I lost someone to suicide 2 months ago, and all the questions you asked yourself I have also voiced; why? What could we have done? How very sad that anyone gets to the point where life is so unbearable that they feel they have to leave.
But let me assure youâŚthere is unfortunately very little that can stop someone leaving if they are so determined to do so. We assume that children, parents, partner or friends would prevent someone leaving, but the truth is that, when one is in that frame of mind, no one elseâs view or being enters the equation - the determination is that strong.
I work with suicidal people every week, many of whom have made attempts to leave, and luckily failed. Horrendously, I lost the first âsuccessfulâ attempt recently and it has broken me, so I feel your pain, loss and questions.
Is there an answer? I donât know - but I have to believe that the internal trauma and hopelessness she felt, but that we could not see, was absolutely too much to bear and that, perhaps, it was inevitable - they would have left us without them at some or any time.
Perhaps you could honour her in a way that, in time, could make you smile and remember her? A lit candle and/or a photo? Plant a tree or flower somewhere that reminds you of herâŚNo one else need know or you can tell the world, but your grief for her is yours and we all grieve in our own wayâŚfind the most comforting place for yours.
Sorry for the lengthy reply, but Iâll leave you with a couple of notesâŚ
⢠Grief will walk alongside you always, and will tap you on the shoulder to remind you heâs there less and less as time goes by, but he doesnât leave.
⢠Humans are made of energy, and energy never dies. When someone leaves, their energy dissipates and surrounds us, everywhere, always.