The devastation of losing your partner

What a loveiy thing you did for your husband Margarita, nursing him at home. It shows how much you loved him that you can be glad he’s in a better place and out of pain. When I’m rational I think the same,.Malcolm had a massive stroke. I found him unconscious when I thought he was asleep, defib, compressions. nothing helped. It was during lockdown so couldn’t go with him to hospital, but phoned later . When they said he’d had the worst type of stroke, I prayed that he wouldn’t survive if he was going to need to be cared for. Although I would willingly have done anything for him I know he would have hated that. He was such a kind lovely man, always caring for others , never bothered about himself, had type 1 diabetes and sometimes I had to help him with hypos, he loathed it. Never wanted to be a “nuisance”which of course he wasn’t , but he was so independent. I console myself with the thought that he didn’t suffer at all, just went to sleep and never woke up again.But I still can’t contemplate the rest of my life without him. From one broken heart to the rest of you on this forum :broken_heart:xx


My heart breaks for you and all the others on here, this is by far the worst pain we have ever suffered, just keep being kind to yourselves and hopefully things will get better. Sending much love and hope xx

It is, Margarita, who knew we’d be on our phones on this horrible wet day, well it is in Yorkshire! , sharing such pain and grief. Everyone on this site has such a heart rending story . But sharing does help and puts everything into perspective , we’re all in this cruel place, supporting each other when our worlds have collapsed. Sending hugs to all. if only we could have real ones! xx

Yes, you are right but unfortunately we have to go through it. We can’t hurry the process either, the sun is shining on and off today here in London, but I spend most of my days inside, just can’t motivate myself to do even the basics at home or go out. Take care x

@bjane I think you were very brave to go out on your anniversary. Ours is on the 14th but I will stay at home. I suppose all the anniversaries, birthdays etc will be lonely from now on. Today is a bad day and the house is so quiet. I have nothing to do until Thursday so I am just watching TV as it takes my mind off things.

Feel the same, no motivation to do anything and I know there’s lots I could or should be doing. Half heartedly got some summer clothes out of a suit case the other day, thought it would make a change from pj bottoms or jeans. but couldn’t face it. All the things I used to wear on holiday with Malcolm, just too sad. And I’m not brave John’s wife trying but failing. I knew our son would come round and I knew I’d just spend the evening sobbing my heart out which I couldn’t do to him. It was a distraction, not wonderful seeing all those couples , but wherever he is, I wanted Malcolm to know how much it meant to me. Do you have someone you could go somewhere nice with? We’re never going to get back what we had before and that’s such a hard lesson that I don’t think I’ve properly learnt, but maybe we can salvage something out of the car crash that’s our life now. So many sad days to have to deal with. Our son has a special birthday at the beginning of September and has already said he doesn’t want to do anything. I said that annoying thing people have said to me”Malcolm wouldn’t want …” Made me want to say how do you know what he wouldn’t want?? But in this case I know what a loving Dad he was and would be heartbroken if he was responsible for no birthday celebration. Will have to work on him! Sending lovex

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It is all so raw and very difficult to believe it’s happened. I think rather than people saying things like that is because they just can’t cope with what’s happened to us and really don’t know how to handle it. Several of my friends abroad, couples, are frightened that it’s coming their way as they are roughly the same age as us. My daughter could come away with me and there is a trip that John and I were going to do with a group of others in February next year. That has been delayed until September 2021 so maybe she can come with me. I organised it all so I don’t want to let them down. I hope you can celebrate your sons special birthday. His loving Dad will be with you all because he is held safely in your heart for ever. x

What a wonderful post TrishaF, thank you. You have summed up exactly how I feel. I’m sure your words have brought comfort to many on this site. Bless you. xx

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I lost my husband in March this year .We had been married over50 years .Your words expressed the way I feel but find it hard to tell anyone how much I love and miss him.Right now I don’t know to get through each day without him.I have a lovely family who also miss their dad/ grandad but they have their own families to love and live for.My friends are so kind and want to include me but they all have husbands and when I see them it makes my loss worse than ever. The future just seems to be sad ,empty and lonely and I don’t really want to go there .Jo

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Zoe Curtis, horrible to find yourself on here I know but you will find people who understand exactly how you are feeling and sharing your thoughts really does help. I’m in a very similar position to you so I can really empathise. We would have been married for 49 years last week and we’re together for 52. Virtually a lifetime for us! My bus sand died very suddenly, at the end of April, and I think I’m only now over the shock. I feel just as you do, have wonderful grown up children. grandchildren, friends and neighbours and I’m
so grateful. But there’s nothing and nobody that can begin to fill this massive hole that’s let when we’ve lost the live of our lives, our reason for living. The loneliness, hopelessness, empty bed and house are indescribably heartbreaking but we can say it all on here and I find posting really helps. As you say, our families all have their own lives and we don’t want them to feel responsible for our happiness, plus they are grieving too. Also , seeing friends with their partners is so upsetting, reminding us iof what we’ve lost and will never have again. It’s all so heartbreaking but everyone on here is so supportive. You’re not alone. Sending you a hug x

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Dear Trisha
Everything you wrote is so true and is exactly what I feel . I am 13 months away from losing my husband . Like you said trying to take one day at a time . Thank you for helping me to realise that what I feel still is not just me and that others are going through And having the same emotions thoughts and feelings . The tears still come e wry night when I go to bed but the grief is not as raw now . Take care


Dear Trisha
I remember your first posts as I too lost my soul mate 15 months ago and we seemed to join this marvellous supporting site at the same time. Like you I have not posted on here for a while but your words are so true and in a way they give me strength. I can talk about my beloved Ed more and with a smile rather than tears all the time. I was listening to radio today and a woman who had lost her husband a few years ago requested “ Smile” by Nat King Cole as her husband had asked her to read this song at his funeral. I started to sing along to it and thought about the words and I cried and cried remembering my beautiful Ed and his lovely smile. Yes the words of this song are very sad but also very true. I cry and smile when I think of Ed. And I know he is smiling back at me somewhere.
Thank you Trisha for sharing your thoughts with us.


Thankyou for such a beautiful post,which resonates so much with me,I can’t see for crying now .love and peace to everyone out there feeling as we do,Corinna xxx​:purple_heart::broken_heart:

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This is my first day on this site. Your words have touched me I lost the love of my life only 3 months ago. 35 years together, we grew up together and I know I’m only at the beginning of my grief , but the continuous waiting feeling I’ve had since Paul is so painful. I am getting a sense of comfort from What I have read so far. Thank you


I am sorry for your great loss Markell and though you are in the early parts, as I am, of what is, from what I have been told, a longer process than we would like it to be, I hope you will find some small moments of peace on your way to a larger peace eventually. This is all new to me so I certainly have’nt advice so much as just an empathetic acknowledgment that this sure is painful. And from everything I’ve heard and read about it, this is how it’s supposed to feel. It’s been four months since I lost her suddenly and unexpectedly to a heart attack. It’s still so hard to comprehend. But it’s so evident that the intensity of sorrow equals the intensity of love shared. And as a woman, Trish, from this group, so astutely wrote, the loss of a partner is connected to the feeling of the loss of the future. So, Markell, don’t ever feel bad about how bad you feel. I’m sure yours is a great and unforgettable love as mine is.

Thank you for your kind words

So sorry for your loss and welcome to this site, it really can give you much comfort as it has me. My husband passed away 10weeks ago and i’m still in the thoes of intense grief. Some days I don’t cry and others I do. I lost my husband to cancer too. We had 38 years together. There are many great people on here with comforting advise. Take care, Margarita

Dear Trisha,
It is 4.30 in the morning and I have just seen your post for the very first time, it is as if I had written it. Even though it is now six years since I lost my beloved husband, we had been together 50 years, I still miss him and so very often, like this morning, I went to bed, got up, went to bed, got up as I was tossing and turning and just could not sleep. My mind is racing, memories are whirring around in my head. I had watched an old film this evening, Peggy Sue Got Married about a woman from the 80’s who travelled back to the 60’s and met her young teenage boyfriend who later became her husband. They were playing all 60’s songs and it brought back the era where my Peter and I had met. I cried a few tears and then went to bed but the film had stirred up so many memories and I just could not sleep.
I also have lost my parents and also my younger sister and brother in law. I feel the same as yourself, when my parents died and then my sister I had my Peter to put his arms around me and tell me everything would be alright but when Peter died there was no-one to tell me everything would be alright as I was the one putting my arms around our sons and telling them everything would be alright, having to be strong for them even though they were grown men because I didn’t want them to have to worry about me.
I kept all of Peters clothes for three years because I knew he would want them when he came back home, but he never did so I had to sort them out but I kept all his records, CD’s, cassettes, videos, books they are all where he left them, our sons said they would sort them out in time, six years later they are still here because they cannot face sorting through their dads pride and joy, he was a collector of transport books and records. We went all over looking for certain records and books together.
I too am optimistic, I always have been and I know that sometime in the future Peter will come for me and we will be together again forever.
Thank you for such a lovely post.


Sheila, all those sixties songs are such tear jerkers for me too and I now just how you feel. I think I’m going to be like you, too, with Malcolm’s clothes and possessions. It’s been four months since he died suddenly and I have left all his clothes , toiletries. etc just where they were. His robe hangs over the banister upstairs where he left it, his slippers are by the fire and his gardening shoes and gloves are on the bottom stair. This is where he left them when he came in from the garden just before he had a fatal stroke. I can’t bear to do anything with them, I like to see part of him still
here and don’t see me ever moving them. Like you, I have a huge collection of his records, cds and books that need sorting out but when I start I get so upset. He also loved stationery, I could open a shop! For the moment I have shut the door on that room, maybe one day I’ll be able to sort it all out. I hope you have a better night tonight, thinking of you and sending a hug xx

I’m with you, my June’s clothes and things are where she left them. I have sorted out many things in the house,especially the attic, but her clothes and art materials, cosmetics and bathroom thingys, I can’t go near those yet… I’ll sort those when I have to, but not yet

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