There is a story of the person who died and went to heaven and said to God ‘That was an awful dream I had last night’. I wonder how many of us feel we are in a dream and that we will suddenly wake up and realise it’s all OK? I still often feel like that, that it’s a dream. I think the mind gores numb. The first few months I managed well, did all the paperwork and went to the registry office and so on. But now there’s nothing to do any more I seem to have taken a step backwards. There are so many ‘triggers’ in everyday life. Where we used to go; where we enjoyed the countryside and so on. It’s difficult to look anywhere without reminders. I had thought of moving to a different location, but I have to take myself with me, so the memories won’t go away. I think it’s best to stay put and weather the storm where we are. We cant ‘control’ emotions. They pop up when we least expect. I find it’s best to go through them rather than try and get rid of them. It’s a bit like trying to block a river. The water will just change course and go on flowing.
"Can I see another’s woe,
And not be in sorrow too?
Can I see another’s grief
and not seek for kind relief. Blake.
We all have ways of coping, but grief is grief and it’s a common thread that we all share. Some have said that I shouldn’t subscribe to depressing websites. I totally disagree. Grief has to be shared, and if it transpire we can help others in our grief then at least, some good has come out of the pain. Blessings.
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Hi Jonathan I agree with you on all counts my life is now hell on earth I listen for the sound of doors opening and closing,my Jane saying cuppa of tea?the loss of going to places together,sadly she passed away last November aged 67we had been married for 43 years we had had a rough time this last 23 years being made redundant 5 times moving about the country I worked as a dairy herdsman(milking cows)between 1997 and 2008 living in tied cottages (sheer hell packing every time )bloody nightmare.
In. 2008 we got the chance to buy our own house 1st time buyers late 50’s hearing Jane say at least we can’t be put out of our own house ( I would underline our house because that’s what it still is)
I had the thoughts of selling the house and buying a camper van to tour the country with my little dog(I’m retired on my own,no children or close relatives as you say why take the grief and memories elsewhere they are there wherever you go plus possessions we collected over 43 years would have to go.
I can hear Jane saying in my mind your not selling our house!.
The dreams and memories will always be there but why do we have to live a nightmare called grief.
Regards MM69
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Hi Jonathan and MM, WOW have you both been able to read my mind. Like you Jonathan I kept myself busy the first months, there was always something to do, something to deal with. On top of that I decorated the house and had ton’s of muck (it seemed like ton’s anyway) delivered to our allotments. Brian had left me a plan on how he wanted it for this summer so I got started on building. Then I went downhill with a bump. I felt terrible in myself and for someone that has never been really ill it was frightening.
I too have thought about a camper van and just going where the mood takes me, me and the dogs and the open road. But I wonder if I’m a bit old for all that
Is it me just wanting escapism from my fears and pain. I am now considering selling this house as it has never really felt like mine as Brian bought the house with his previous wife and I never chose it. He knew I would probably sell and told me to not rush into anything, this was a week before he died. I talked of moving often during out marriage but now I have the chance I’m worried about such a big step. My friend who lost her husband a few year back eventually moved last year and said she should have done it years ago.
I don’t find all of this forum depressing, I find it helpful most of the time. It helps me to understand that I am not the only one suffering and some people are a lot worse off than me. I hope one day to give encouragement and hope to others, for the moment I have to cope with my own grief and learn to come to terms with it.
You are right MM this grief thing is a total nightmare but I want to beat it and be able to enjoy my husband again without bursting into tears. We have wonderful memories of a happy marriage.
Pat xxx
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I feel like it’s a dream too, Jonathan. I have to say though, I’m happy feeling that. One day I believe I will be reiterating those words… Hey God, that was a bad dream I had last night. I’m going to say, I’m looking forward to that day but, that doesn’t mean I’m willing my life away, I’m not. It’s very difficult living this different life, for all of us, myself included. I don’t look to the future though really so I don’t know what it holds. I don’t know if it scares me, if it’s rubbish, if it’s happy or, if it’s sad. I just know it’s different. Both my husband and me, particularly as we got a bit older, tended to make less plans for the future and lived a more, doing stuff on a whim life. Consequently, living for the now is a pretty natural way for me to think. I guess that’s good for me given my situation these days. The truth is, I don’t know whether my future is another 25 years or another 25 minutes so, why bother 
As for our home, it’s our home. I can’t envisage ever leaving it for another one. Not through choice anyway. You’re right, our memories are often painful still but, they are our memories. I believe we will recall more and more of them when we’re strong enough to accept them as memories. In the meantime, the times we do recall things and cry, is our hearts and minds way of working towards the day we’re fully accepting of what we’ve been dealt. For now, I’m happy to continue living the dream. A bad one though it is. It is only…for now! x
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Hi All. Perhaps when do awake it will be in a different place and we will see realty for the first time, and our loved ones. Have you ever wakened from a nightmare and been upset for the rest of the day? I have. And that’s what this feels like. Ok, so the trauma, the loss is in the past, but these memories are often so disconcerting because we seem to have no control over them. Morning is is still a bad time. As I said, I did think about moving. but my wife would want me to stay here. I live in a community and I have had such help from everyone. The kindness of folk in helping me in my situation has been wonderful. You all know that help and support is good, but the immediate pain remains. And cw13 you are so right. Take it a day at a time. “One day at a time, Lord, one day at a time”. I remember those words from an old song, the title of which I can’t remember. It’s true. No one knows what awaits them, as we all know only too well. When we are in a relationship of long standing do we get complacent and take it for granted? I may have fallen into that trap, maybe we all do, I don’t know. Does it matter now? Someone once said that on their tombstone the words, ‘Well, he did his best’ or ‘She did her best’, would make them happy.
We can never go beyond our limits. Trying to recover quickly by diversions and distractions only puts off facing what’s happening. This is a process, and like all such things has to be gone through not avoided. Of course we should seek help and even some relief, but eventually we come back to living from day to day; bearing the pain until it subsides just a little. Yes, we have to go on living the dream, what choice do we have? There is always the choice of despair. But that just drags us down even further as does self pity. ‘Poor me in this state’. I come back every time to what would my wife would have wanted me to do. The answers are always the same. ‘I will help you through this. We had many good years together, so let’s rejoice in that thought’. Tears will come through the pain and so will memories. Sometimes the future looks bleak. But dark clouds do pass and, as a medieval monk once said, ‘The dark cloud that breaks with blessings on your head’. Everything has purpose, a meaning, although it’s so difficult to see at the time. But none of us here have met by chance. We are a brother and sisterhood of those who share a common loss, and in supporting each other maybe we have found a purpose. Blessings.
This is my mantra, Jonathan. Until it’s my turn to utter those words you quote in your post… ‘I had a bad dream last night’…
I am so glad I have my faith
One Day at a Time
Merle Haggard
I’m only human I’m just a man
Help me to believe in what I could be and all that I am
Show me the stairway that I have to climb
Lord for my sake teach me to take one day at a time
One day at a time sweet Jesus that’s all I’m asking from you
Give me the strength to do everyday what I have to do
Yesterday’s gone sweet Jesus and tomorrow may never be mine
So for my sake teach me to take one day at a time
Do you remember when you walked among men
Well Jesus you know if you’re looking below it’s worse now than then
Pushing and shoving crawding my mind
So for my sake teach me to take one day at a time
One day at a time sweet Jesus that’s all I’m asking from you
Give me the strength to do everyday what I have to do
Yesterday’s gone sweet Jesus and tomorrow may never be mine
Yes just for my sake teach me to take one day at a time
Oh my goodness. That is so lovely. Thank you. x. I will try as, no doubt we all will.
Brian used to sing that song, he was a Country and Western singer.
Brian would have lived by those words. “Teach me to take one day at a time”. I was always the impatient one, now I am having to go at a slower pace because there is no rushing through grief. I too take one day at a time but don’t want to waste any of it. There I go again. Brian kept telling me I went at everything like a bull in a chine shop.
Thankyou Jonathan and CW13 your words have cheered me up.
Pat xx