I feel so tired of fighting and yearning for the love and help of my sons. My youngest one has now decided to make all breaks with me now. He doesn’t want me to visit ever again and has blocked me on social media. On the advice of other people I told him about my son who is living with me but I knew it would all backfire and be my fault. He says I want pity and to get a grip of myself. I can’t forever be grieving over a man who is now dead. I piss him off and do his f- - - - - - head in. I’m an adult and without his dad I act like someone who can’t do anything for themselves. Its sad that a full grown adult acts like I do. He says I destroyed any kind of family we did have. How he was treated like golden child and given more than the rest which he hated. He was mine and alans child. Alan had a son and daughter from a previous marriage and I have 2 sons from another relationship. He doesn’t care what i’m going through and fed up with my messages of pity. How I made Alan feel s - - - to see his own kids. His daughter fell out with him because she accused us of having a 65th party and she wasn’t invited. I ruined his Christmas and new year, Not one of my kids has a nice word to say. I destroyed them all. He’s a heartless c - - - and he doesn’t get that from his dad because he wasn’t heartless. Only one person he can see who is obsessed with money and jealous of his own dads kids and that is me. He is sick of the bullshit. Grow up and stop gossiping and acting like a child. Probably cry now and I don’t care if you do. That was his first message of which I had time to reply to. I told him I didn’t want pity and never have. Certain things I didn’t tell him what my son had said about him because I didn’t want to hurt him. I’m not the one who needs to grow up and its not about the money at all. I’m the one who has sorted everything out after your dad died. We also helped you a lot through troubles you’ve had with past relationships but you seem to have a short memory. I told him that people can take years to get over the loss of someone. I suggested he might like to give his brother a roof over his head as I don’t get why I am in the wrong when I took him in and no one else did. My eldest son blamed me for not being there when Alan died although you told me you tried to get hold of him. I told you’re dad many times to go and see his kids and grandkids while I worked the long hours I did at weekend and he was on his own all day. None of you bothered to visit him and my eldest son would pass the house sometimes but not call in. Basically he was treated like s - - - and even on his last Christmas when he was poorly did all the running about with presents for them all. I told him money doesn’t matter one bit to me as its nothing without his dad. But it obviously matters to them as that is what the problem is with 2 of them. Dad would be proud of the lot of you. He then went on to say we didn’t want him back with us when a relationship he had went pear shaped. Some woman he met when she was pregnant with someone elses child he took on as his own and then they had a little boy together. She then decided to do a runner from where we live in the north right down into Devon with both the children. He had kept her and adored the little girl he raised as his own. His son was only a few months old when she went and left him with loads of debt he knew nothing about. He had been giving her money to pay bills but didn’t. He was about 34 when he left home and got a council house. That was why we didn’t want him back. We didn’t want him to lose the house and thought he would be grateful of that in time. Alan paid his water rates which she had left owing and I said I would pay to try to win his son back. He decided against that. He says my grandson his other child doesn’t like me. He is 12. He doesn’t say why. I have to stay away from him and his son forever. He’s told me to go and ring the Samaritans they are the only ones who will listen to me. Its his 40th in March and he doesn’t want presents off me and he wants me to write him out of the will or change it so his dads kids get what they deserve. Alans kids are in the will. He’s called me a selfish bitch that made his dad do that. What we did agree was that my 3 got a third of the house as Alans 2 got half of the house what was a joint property with his first wife. And any other money and estate to be shared amongst the 5 of them. Then they say its not about money. He’s moaned about the fact it was 8.30pm I turned up at his house on Friday although he doesn’t like me going earlier because he wants a sleep, even though it would be easier for me going straight from work. It wasn’t my fault as I set off at 6.50 but the buses were running very late because there was a road shut. He does 50 to 60 hours a week and he’s up at 4.30am. Bye please don’t come no more you’re not welcome. He calls us grandparents of the year. Quoting us as saying don’t expect us to look after the kids and you made your bed. He says most grandparents want to see them spend time with them and look after them. Apparentely it was all about what I wanted and his dad was just my servant and funny how no one in my family really wants much to do with me. Him, his son, my son at home and my eldest son, my sister and her daughter. My son at home drinks to much works to little and is narcissitic. My eldest son drinks to much and does drugs to much. My sister drinks a bottle of neat whisky a day, a large one and she is 75 and my niece drinks 3 bottles of wine a day and has done for years. It is my decision not to speak to my sister as she depresses me more than I already am if that’s possible at the minute. I keep telling my son who lives with me to go and my eldest one I am better off not seeing as he is so unpredictable. But it seems now I have lost my youngest son also but he has always been a touchy person and you have to be careful and think what you say as he easily snaps. For quite a number of years I used to go to my granddaughters when she was small and do things other grandmothers wouldn’t do. Skipping in the street or dancing to the spice girls. She would boss me about so I had to do as I was told. Maybe we didn’t spend as much time with our grandchildren as some people do but there is so much jealousy within my family and alans family. His son and daughter don’t get on and my 3 don’t get on but we’re the ones to blame for it. So that is the reason the end of my life can’t come quick enough Sorry for the long post. Janet xx
I dont know how you put up with any of them.luckily for me the only arseholes are Jaynes family.which in itself is sad as id of loved keep in contact with the nieces and nephews on Jaynes side.all the children sound like Jaynes brothers,self righteous a holes with nothing but there own interests to care about.i personally would sell up and spend every damn penny doing anything but give them money or help.
even if they were considerate caring children its not the responsibility of parents to make sure they see there kids get rewarded when they leave this mortal coil.so when you’ve inconsiderate children with the warmth and empathy of a frozen slug id be cutting them off.sorry Janet thats from reading how they treat you its bloody shocking they do not deserve your love or your money or help in any way shape or form.i apologise sincerely if ive offended you in any way.
please please look after number 1 or those who reach out and give you the comfort and love you well and truly deserve
Hi ian i’m in tears now. I only saw my youngest son once a week for about 4 hours but it sort of kept me going even though he didn’t speak much while i was there. Too busy on his phone facebook. Suppose its because he was my link with alan being his son. He also said he will be charging me £50 a week to keep alans car on drive and to knock it off what my son who lives with me owes me. Its only there because he said he was going to learn to drive. You haven’t offended me and the reason i don’t want to sell is because alan put a lot of work in here even though it is terribly damp. I just don’t know where to turn to anymore. I am 67 but feel like 87. None of my 3 stone weight i lost has gone back on. I am just over 8stone and 5 feet 6 tall. I have tried reaching out to people but i just don’ t get heard. Xx
its a pity you dont live close to me as ive got a garage with this little bungalow and there is a parking space outside the garage,my boxes of Jaynes clothes are in the garage till I decide to sort them but I cannot see me ever letting them go.but you could used my parking space for free.or do like me and learn to drive ,get the car brought back to yours ,will be less than 50 pounds a week for a lesson.sorry its just so annoying how many bereaving people on here have utter arseholes for family.some are luckier than others but those like you and a little bit like me taking utter crap at a time when all we need is a little bit of love and support or even a friendly ear,we certainly dont need preaching to.not sure id class it as self pity.id call it being absolutely inlove with your deperted partner and not being able live without constantly thinking about them and them not being physically here with us.
Hi ian i do actually have a driving licence. I was in my 40s when i learned to drive but didn’t do much driving and gave it up within months. I only ever drove once on my own. I wasn’t very good with gears and directions. Your offer is very kind but i suppose i should sell it. It has a flat battery now and is going green, needing a good clean. I would never be able to drive again as i have a lot of anxiety now. I too still have most of Alans clothes in drawers and still hung in the wardrobe. If we had have lived near and i parked the car there you could have used it for the kindness you have shown me. I am trying to get myself up to face another day but my stomach is in knots and i’m feeling shaky, nervy and sickly. Janet x
Janet I am so sorry you feel as you do. I am no expert but from what you are saying your family are causing you so much heartache on top of your grief and there is only so much one person can cope with otherwise it becomes an overload. If it was me I would not bother with the family that upset you so much, rid yourself of their negativity, try to sort your own feeling out one at a time and then perhaps at a later date when you have got control a little more and only then make contact with your son’s.
It seems that some families cannot cope with another persons grief and this might be the case with your family. They can’t do anything so they would rather pull away from you altogether and of course blame you as of course our children tend to do.
You strike me as possibly an easy going person who are letting your family bully you. Or perhaps you prefer their contact with you no matter how they treat you but it is doing you no good. Take care of number one first then deal with family if you still want to be bothered with them. I know you won’t want to hear this but you have to strike out and make a life for yourself, no excuses. then your family might have more respect for you and you are no longer at their beck and call. Walk away from this aggro you don’t need or are strong enough to cope with it.
Sorry I can’t be more help.
Reading your post I was nearly in tears, it is unforgivable that your boys should treat you so badly, children can be a blessing or a curse, problem is we are hard wired to love them unconditionally, that’s what makes it difficult to turn our backs on them, I would say sell up buy something small and manageable and spend there inheritance on travel and fun, but that unconditional love will stop you. I do hope you find a way through their bullying take care Jan
I hope you can get help.it would be great if sue ryder could create a network of those caring
members so they could reach out and maybe visit to give comfort and support.
from reading posts on this site.for some reason very unbeknown to me some families are as far from being comforting and supportive to their mums dads etc etc that is humanly possible.its certainly opened my eyes to how cruel some of them are to people they should be showing love to.its traumatic enough losing a loved one without having to deal with all this shyte as well.
some more words of worldly wisdom.
sadly I dont have any experiences with children of my own,so I only see the nastiness shown by these selfish children.sure I tried say pray for a miracle that these sons will get an inspiration from some where to at least show Janet some love and respect that she deserves.but im not really understanding whats actually going through these adult sons minds that makes them act this way towards their mum.
theres no excuses I can think of ever to act like this grrrr.
banging their heads together might work.
ps sorry Janet theres are my thoughts going through my empty skull.
Hi Janet. ‘Pull yourself together’. ‘Get a grip on yourself’. ‘Snap out of it’. ‘Stop behaving like a child’. My God, I have heard them all, but now I take it from whence it comes. Ignorant ill mannered people who have no idea whatsoever of the pain we are all going through. I have heard this response from those who talk about anxiety. Who want’s grief or anxiety?
Can I suggest keeping away from social media. I want nothing to do with it. Let the fools insult each other and make life miserable for people. If they are silly enough to go there they must accept what happens. It does seem that some are drawn to it like a magnet. Why? We never had all that rubbish years ago and we manged. OK, I accept there are many useful things on there, but it seems to me that a lot of it is just letting anger and spite out. I think Pat may be right. A bully will go on doing it until someone stands up to them. Yes indeed; look after yourself. Then consider carefully what to do and then DO IT! NEVER let anyone put you down. God knows you are in a bad enough state without all that aggravation.
The world is full of uncaring people, it is also full of caring one’s. We mustn’t throw the baby out with the bathwater!! If we find someone with whom we get along and they with us, then cultivate that friendship. As for the others, relatives or not, drop them. They are doing you no good. It’s not easy I know. It takes courage to sort the goats from the sheep, but it needs to be done for peace of mind, which you so badly need.
Bless you. Take care of yourself. John. XX
I feel as though i am back to square one again with many tears and not being able to eat. Can’t bring myself to shop because when i get there i won’t buy anything because looking at food makes me feel sick. I have very little in my fridge now. I am so fed up with feeling how i do. I don’t think they know the meaning of respect. Xx
Hi ian Yes i to think like that about people in the same boat visiting one another. It seems more real person to person. I just wish i hadn’t given my middle son a roof over his head when he was in desparate need as my youngest son would still be talking to me. Janet x
Love it, sound advice. If I hadn’t got my beloved dogs I might have given it a try. My mother went away when she lost my father when still in her forties. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined my mother doing anything like this. disappeared for six months. So there you are Jackie, pack your bags, wave those selfish son’s of your goodbye and go and have an adventure.
Jackie, forgot to say, agree wholeheartedly with Jonathan’s sound advice get rid of the Social Media. I don’t have, want, or need it either. I can live without it. It causes too much heartbreak from what I can see, however I can’t understand why people read these messages that cause so much anguish. Get rid of anything that is negative and concentrate on finding your way back. Drastic measures might be needed but you have to look after yourself.
I like the suggestion about selling up and travel and having fun. Might sound impossible at the moment but one thing for sure you need to rid yourself of these negative people who are obviously not doing you one ounce of good and pushing you down further. Fight your way back up and good luck to you.