The end went wrong

It has been six months now since my Mum and best friend passed from cancer.
There has not been a day I have not relived the awful way she passed and how I blame myself.
Mum should have been in a hospice but there were no beds available, she was at home.
The nurse moved her quite roughly and then announced that she was taking her last breaths - it really wasn’t a good death she went in agony.
I keep on and on reliving it why didn’t I stand up to him, do something, its all my fault.
I have not had the dreams etc that people talk about, I wouldn’t blame her for been upset with me but finding it impossible to live with, I let her down.

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Hello Spring
Please, please do not beat yourself up. Although you blame yourself I am sure your mother would not blame you. I know from my own experience with Helen, my wife, who died September 2016 also from cancer, that events at the end can take us all by surprise and shock. To medical people it is a daily happening but to those of us who have not seen death of a loved one before it is a totally disorientating experience.
I can see now that the paramedic, district nurse and our local curate were trying to tell me Helen was very near the end but I expected her to wake up from the morphine injection the nurse had given her. She died the following morning. If I had known I would have held her all night but as it was I thought she would sleep better if left supported by the pillows and bed rest they had rigged up. As it was I just managed to realise at the very end and hold her hand and speak to her.
I am so sorry your mother went in agony but it was not you, and not I believe the nurse, though he should have showed more care, but it was the cancer. Cancer is cruel and does what it will in its own way and time. Your mother is at rest now so please no longer torture yourself.
Take care of yourself. Your welcome to private message if you want.
Alan

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Hello again
I have just come across the “Memory will not fade” conversation on this site and Priscilla gives two links that may be useful.
Alan

Thank you Alan for writing and I am so sorry about your wife Helen, grief is very cruel. I will read the articles you have suggested, that was very kind to find them.
Its just that Mum couldn’t lay flat and the nurse left her on her back after announcing that she was taking her last breaths - but I should have raised the bed, so it was my fault, I don’t know why I didn’t. there was no need for her to go as she did.
I was with my Dad when he passed and it was nothing like this, he even acknowledged someone I couldn’t see, so that always gave me faith that someone came for him in an unexplainable way. Why didn’t this happen with Mum.
Mum put her trust in me - she would never have let that happen to me or one of her patients, she was a wonderful nurse fantastic tributes have come through about her.
She was my life.
I’m sorry sound full of self pity that I don’t deserve, I understand this is difficult to address, at the end of the day I will have to live with it, I also let myself down.

Hi Spring, you didn’t think of raising the bed because you were overwhelmed with it all especially when your dad passed so peacefully and you thought you knew how things happen. It wasn’t a fault, it was being human. I am not going to convince you that you didn’t let yourself down but don’t be so hard on yourself.
I think I let myself and Helen down but what we feel about what we did or didn’t do is not the important thing here, it is what our loved ones were and how they loved and what they did and cared for. If we did do things wrong, don’t you think they forgave us long ago?
About how your dad passed, sometimes the dying do see friends or loved ones but there is no set way. Helen died on the same day of the same month as her dad of whom she was so very fond. Coincidence to some but not to me.
I think the self pity is all part of the grieving process, but I am finding my bouts are getting less and I recognise more that others are in agony too.
If you go on being troubled by guilty feelings and flashbacks and they are impacting your life then see your GP or try to get some counselling.
Take care, and I hope you don’t mind if I send you a virtual hug.
Alan

Alan that is very kind, you are very understanding.
I can relate to you expecting your wife to wake up from the morphine injection - I will never forget that awful realisation, its cruel.
Wishing you well and thank you.

Hi Spring. I beat myself up for not staying with my husband. When the hospital finally phoned me and said he had deteriorated and to come it was really too late. He couldn’t speak and was only semi conscious. At least I was there when he died but if I had known he was going to die of course I would have stayed but I didn’t know. It is easy looking back to realise what you should have done. It’s all very clear but at the time you did your best. As I have already said on this site dying is not like the films. You can’t control what happens. Remember the good times and do something kind for someone in need, something simple like smiling at someone or letting someone with a few items go ahead of you at the supermarket checkout. I know it sounds silly but I find this helps. It makes me feel better.We only have the present and maybe the future. Take care.

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Thank you Pattoa, its an awful time, I thought I was a down to earth capable person but of course without my Mum I’m nothing, it feels as if I am living out a life sentence, perhaps I am. We lived together you see, she was great a real true friend, she was like my partner and we weathered many storms together.
I have a big decision to make tomorrow and just don’t have a clue.
I am very sorry about your husband and wish you well.

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Hi spring
Please don’t blame yourself for the way your mum died,I’m certain your mum wouldn’t be putting the blame on you.
My husband was nearing the end in hospital,when a nurse came in and put a nebuliser on him as she said it would help my hubby’s breathing,but it was so noisy and doing nothing for him,so my son switched it off,and said that his dad should be hearing his family talking to him as he passed and not that noise,and I’m pleased to say he passed away peacefully shortly after, sometimes nurses think they are doing the right thing by moving them or putting a nebuliser on them,but don’t realise they should have been left alone,but we cannot blame them either as they are only doing a job.
Put it out of your mind now and concentrate only on the lovely memories you have and you will start to fell better.

Hi i hope you get this message as i have not been active on here for ages.
I totally understand where you are coming from as I have similar feelings about my mum and how I feel I let her down too.
My mum was very poorly with Lung Cancer and taken into hospital as she had really taken a turn for the worse. I stayed with her in the ward and it became innevitable that she was going to die, I tried my best to do as she wanted and make her comfortable but it was against the wishes of the nurse who was very rough with her, i did shout at the nurse but didnt want to upset my mum by causing a scene. No one helped me when the moment came and I was devastated. My family have told me that they were proud of me but I feel like you do I let her down xx

I felt as if I let my darling friend down too he was so cross and snappy with me before he died and didnt thank me for anything that id done I tried so hard over 14 years to get him help I lost a lot of money over various things but I keep wondering what I did wrong to make him cross with me. The day before he died the nurse said he was very upset (crying) she said shall I get Kris in he said no dont bother her shes coming in tomorrow-it wouldnt have been a bother to me so why did he say that?

I had similar experience also feel like you would you like to talk

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