The evolution of grief : 2 years on

It was 2 years ago today that I lost my partner. There’s not been a day that goes by when I don’t think about him.

The pain’s not as acute as it once was;
it’s now like a dull ache rather than the continous jabbing of sharp needles, but it’s still pain that can flare-up and catch me by surprise.

I’m learning to live with my grief, but it never goes away. Life has carried on and I’m able to function. E.g., I can go to work, the shops, out for dinner and even trips away, but it’s not quite the same. It’s tinged with a sense of loss which is deeply embedded, but I don’t openly show it.

I still can’t believe that he’s no longer here, where as others can and have moved on. It’s easier for them I guess, as it didn’t/doesn’t directly affect them in the same way. I am trying to accept it though but it’s a process.

I look at pictures taken before he passed, knowing that there’ll be no more; frozen in time while I get older. It’s difficult to comprehend sometimes; he was only 50. Too young, too smart, too bright and funny to no longer exist. In a strange way, I sometimes wish I could go back to those early days of grief, where I was in a bubble. It was new and raw and because of that, I could kind of keep him alive in my minds eye. Where as now, time has passed and whenever he’s talked about, it’s in the past tense.

Can anybody else relate to this?

Love and light to all those that find themselves in this ghastly club that nobody wanted to join.


Hi @Sharrona

So sorry for your loss and understand how painful grieving is.

Its coming up to 3 years 13th January, he was 56 and was ill with covid all over xmas, he went in hospital, no family allowed to visit, only communicated by text, he was put on a ventilator then had the machine turned off afterca week.

Its the time of year that is painful and I am struggling now without him but its even harder now. He was full of life, we always had great banter, he had an amazing personality, one of the niciest person I’ve met, we loved each other a lot and was glued at the hip, very close we were, dont get me wrong we had a tough relationship at time’s, we argued but made up asap.

I get what you mean it feels like there a distant memory but I guess its the process of grief and into accepting their gone.

I understand a lot of people want to be in the early days of grief as theres a strong connection still with your loved one, the being close to each other, loving them and being loved back, talking about this and that, just the same daily routine, love growing strong and deeper everyday with them and the knowing they were coming home after work or shopping. Then boom their gone.
My counsellor who I used to see just after Marti died said, to stay connected by looking at photos, watching the recordings of him on my phone, visit places we went to, write about him, but i could’nt and still dont as its too painful. For me personally I would’nt want to go back to the early grief days, how raw it felt, having the phone call to say he died, not sleeping in our bed for weeks, 24/7 of the emotional turmoil inside my head, I did’nt wash, brush my teeth, eat, work or communicate properly with family, i just completely shut down, i was like that for 2 years, then slowly I could communicate better with family and friends, go gym, enjoy walking my dog and communicate better with co-workers. I just thought I’ve got to get on with my life and will carry the grief everyday, having the painful sadness of his loss sitting inside my heart, but what else can we do. But, I do miss him loving me and how close we were etc which over the months is painful because it doesn’t feel as strong because he’s no longer here and I’m not loved by him anymore and I do miss being loved.

Monday just gone i was in bed all day crying my heart out for him then Tuesday got back on with work, going gym and walking my dog. Grieving is horrendous and its a tough lonely journey.

Sending you a hug
Amy x


@Sharrona I’m nearly 9 months in and feel everything you feel. I too would not go back to those early days, they were horrific and I would have ended my life if I had stayed in that place but time moves us forward, it doesn’t heal us but it’s definitely put me in a better place where I can live a life.
I still ache for him, physical ache in my chest today as it’s our anniversary but it’s not always there. Mostly I can function as normal just minus him in my life. Sometimes, dare I say it, life can be easier, as I can just do without having to think of someone else.

I hope I find love again, I miss being in a relationship but I also will be fine on my own. Relationships can be complicated and I know I will not find someone like my partner, who was simply the best thing that happened to me.
My fate is sealed and what will happen will happen xx


Around 11 months for me and it’s only been quite recently that I’ve reached a point of stability in all of this. I think, at last, I’ve come to a place where I’m accepting the passing of my wife and starting to understand I have to make something of the time I have left, however long that may be. For me, in some ways, the grief has moved away, I’m still left with the sadness, the loss but it no longer consumes me, in a lot of ways it carriers me forward. It’s always with me but somehow we’ve become almost friends. The loss in a weird way is the thing that moves me towards joy, to want to experience that again.

I can relate to wanting to go back to the early days in a way, life was simpler I suppose, utter confusion, total pain and how to survive were the order of the day. It was never boring. Whereas as I’ve moved further away from then, life has come back and filled the gaps, the monotony of choosing your own meals, always making plans for things to do, dealing with all the bills. Realizing that I’m bored, realizing I get lonely. But I feel like I’m learning to deal with the mundane, to see things not as necessities I am forced to deal with but choices I have the opportunity to make. A chance to rebuild myself new, ready to go on. To take control of those aspects that I can.

I still miss my wife with everything that I am, still tell her that every day. But now when I think of things I’ve done since she died it always feels as if she was there too, that it was something she was part of but I just didn’t notice at the time. A presence or shape in a memory of things she never did. It’s bringing me comfort and I hope that it lasts. We made a life together and there’s a lot of that still left that I can carry on with me, take her along for the ride.


@Walan you’re so good with words!


I agree @Ali29 , @Walan you are so good with words, at expressing the reality of the feelings but also giving hope that there is a future out there for us on this awful journey. So thank you, your posts have been a light in this darkness for me :disappointed:


Hello everyone ,
Im 5 months nearly and its seems either 5 days or 5 years ,time seems very distorted at the moment.
Im not in the numb shock stage still but seem to be accepting the sadness and grief as something that will fluctuate day to day.
Dont get me wrong losing my wonderful husband is the worst thing thats happened to me and the thought of spending the rest of my life without him is daunting to say the least, its true you never know what youve lost until its gone ,the small things ,the chats the funny moments and everything life throws at us as a couple is so hard to do alone ,i often chat to him saying im bored or sad or fed up or sit and cry and tell him im lonely then i can carry on ,after letting it all out, one thing for sure is your never prepared for this chapter in life happening ,it knocks you sideways and stuns you into another life and future to navigate alone ,but I decided to pack as much into the future with my close family by my side as no one knows how long the future is , this site has made me realise there so many of us feeling exactly same , its a place of comfort to visit at times knowing we are one in our thoughts and grief .
Take care all ,sending warm thoughts and hugs x


Hi Amy,
I understand how you feel and I’m so sorry for your loss.
I miss being loved by partner too and at times can become overwhelmed, when I think of the fact that he’s no more. However, when it happens now, it’s for a shorter period of time, where as before it was all day everyday.
It was over a year before I could visit the places we use to go. I thought that I’d find it too emotionally taxing, but it wasn’t and actually gave me some comfort.
Wishing you strength and peace as you continue on your journey.x

Hi Ali29,
It’s such a crap situation to be in, but the cliché is right; life does go on.
We just adjust and adapt as best we can. Nobody can replace my partner; they were unique. But, if I were to meet somebody again, I would treat it as a whole new experience and try not to compare. However, I’m not looking at the mo as I’ll leave it to fate.
I’m sure love will come your way again, as you are open to it.
All the best.x

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