It feels like yesterday but I think it’s been almost a year and half since I lost my Mum suddenly to strep A. She was my best friend, we did everything together. As I write this I am in tears because there is still pain, but the reason I came to write this is because I can feel her slipping away from me, the pain isn’t as strong, and in a weird way, I miss that, I crave it, I know that sounds crazy because what I should want is to heal but I feel the further away from her death I become in terms of time, the less painful it is and I don’t want that. I want to always feel the pain, no-one talks about that. I guess I just wondered if anyone else can relate?
Hi @carlie im so sorry for your loss 
i lost my mum 14 months ago and i can totally relate to what you’ve described. For me when im not feeling deep sorrow/pain then im generally feeling numb/empty, so the pain is the only time i really feel in touch with my feelings. Plus the pain is only there as a consequence of the deep love we have for our mums, so in a way i dont think im deliberately choosing pain, im choosing to think about the love i have for mum, and that ultimately brings pain because i miss her soooo much. Its hard, because as you say for every extra day that progresses, we’re one day further from when our mums were physically here 
i dont think we’ll ever lose that pain because we will never stop missing our mums, but it just wont control our every waking moment, we are learning how to carry it with us.
Everyone has different beliefs about the afterlife but i like to think that ive not left mum behind, shes still very much here with me but just in a different way. I write to her, talk to her, involve her in my life. Its never going to feel the same as being able to hug her or talk to her face to face over a cuppa, but it helps me lessen that feeling of distance between us. Sending you many hugs 
Hi Ally, thank you so much for taking the time to respond and please excuse the length of time it’s took me to reply…I try and push all my feelings down and not think about it which I know isn’t healthy but I guess I’m in self-preservation mode!
I’m really sorry you’re grieving too and feeling numb 
and I’m so sorry you’ve lost your mum, nothing compares to that pain that I know of so far! Thanks again for your kind message <3
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