It’s been just over 2 months since my Grandad died. A little over 3 since I saw him and had half a conversation with him even, although I was with him whilst he was dying-he could only squeeze my hand.
He was a massive part of my life and I spoke to him every day.
I’m really struggling. I’ve been off work as I got sacked because I took a week’s compassionate leave, even though he died a sudden and unnatural death in hospital…
Usually when I’m off I call him in the morning and would speak to him again in the afternoon. Maybe even drive round and see him. I keep thinking I’ve forgotten something. I have burning news I want to share and then I remember that he’s not here anymore. I get excited about something and the person I usually share it with isn’t here anymore. Then it hits me like a wave and I’m miserable and broken again.
So then I start running through all the super helpful thoughts… When did I last speak to him, hug him, see him smile? Was he scared in those last few weeks? Should I have listened more? Would that have meant I caught it? That he wasn’t being looked after…
The issue is, he should still be here. He was starved to death essentially in hospital… My lovely Grandad… The man who has been my father, because my real one buggered off when I was 12. He was meant to come to graduation last year but it got cancelled due to covid. I can’t go now, not without him.
Every single day I miss him, I’m sad, I cry, I scream, get mad. We have a case with a solicitor, but it won’t bring him back does it ever get easier? Will this gaping hole in my chest ever get smaller? Because right now it feels like nothing is good, or happy, or right. Like my whole world has fallen down around my ears, but everyone else is just getting on with things.
I guess I’m just wondering if I’m processing this right? Is there a right way? I called and left him a voicemail last week… Mad hey.
I know it doesn’t help being stuck at home on my own… But I can’t change that either really.
And even then I feel guilty for going out and doing things when he can’t now