Hello, my friends. I’m really starting to see all of you as such as I continue this journey, though now it’s no longer I but we. Thank you for that.
Today, I woke up depressed. Not an unusual thing for me these days. I went through the usual hours of deciding if I wanted to get up at all today. I so wanted to just lay in bed and feel comfortable. I almost went back to sleep and for this moment, everything seemed normal. But then I realized that there was no comfort for you see, she wasn’t beside me. For a moment before I woke, in that time between wakefulness and sleep, I thought she was there and for a fleeting moment, everything seemed normal. Something I hadn’t felt for a long time.
But then as always, reality kicked in and I knew once again that I was alone. So alone and tired of it. Still, I managed to pull myself out of bed and get dressed. Sometimes that in itself is a seemingly impossible chore, But I did it and then, alone with my thoughts I chose to stick to the plan. You know, the one where I pull myself out of the muck that is my grief. The one where I go to the yard and make myself feel better.
I did make it to the yard and I managed to put a couple of fence posts in that really needed doing. So I did something today besides grieve. It was really hard to get out there but I did it and somehow I feel like that’s an improvement. I don’t know. I’ve never done this before. I miss my wife so much. But she’s everywhere in that yard and I somehow know that it’s the only answer I have to get past this horrible time in my life. And so I’ll just keep trying. The fight continues . .
@cclay you did something and that’s a start, a change, it’s all about rewiring the brain and pushing through. What choice is there? We have to carry on and create a new normal. I call it crossing over from my old life to this new one. We cannot live in the past alongside constant pain and heartbreak, it’s too much for any of us to bear but you slowly begin to feel a shift inside of you, being pulled back but being pushed forward at the same time. It’s the strangest feeling ever but you begin to find a balance between both because time dictates that. The past becomes further and further away and we have to live with the present and future. It’s a slow heartbreaking release of all we have ever known and the unknown fear of what lies ahead of us. The only way I can describe it,
is like a light inside you has dimmed the brightness that was has gone. I miss my husband so much but it feels like a lifetime ago now that he was here with me. I think personally we will always be searching for them in everything we do, I can’t believe my husband is now a memory in a photo frame. It’s so surreal and truly the most heartbreaking experience that life can throw at you
When I ‘do’ things (eg like the work in garden last weekend), I don’t see it as a positive step … I haven’t done it as a way to get through grief … I’ve done it because it needed doing, and I simply couldn’t ignore it anymore.
It does give me a feeling of purpose when I work in this particular garden. So much of it has my tears within it as I put it together right after the passing of my wife. It was all I could think of to do because every year, she’d handle the chores inside while I tended to the garden. It just seemed like the right place to be last year.
I bought a sort of stone that glows in the dark because we always believed that there should be a light when we returned to look. I placed it under a new grove of aspens that I planted. She so loved the aspens when we went camping. I always set us up under a grove of aspens.
But I used this stone as a focal point. A place where I could converse with her or at least soothe my broken mind. So yes, this will be a labor of love for me and even though it’s a fight, I’ll just keep trying. Thanks for your reply.
So true that we will always be searching for them, and at times it seems right to honor their life with our love rather than just our tears, even if those tears are an expression of love in themselves.
My mind has just recently allowed me some memories of my past with her. I cherish everyone that comes to me but also understand why those memories were kept from me. It would’ve been to much to handle. Back in the beginning, those memories would’ve brought me pain. Now, for a fleeting moment they put a smile on my face, and I’ll tell you I can always use a smile.
I think that once enough time has passed, we learn to take those little steps slowly and that when we’re ready to heal, or rather when we to try to move on that we have to look for ways to do it.
My life simply isn’t sustainable in the direction I’ve been going so as someone said in a reply it’s sink or swim. I’m going to try to swim though right now I feel like I need floaters to help me stay afloat. It’s a fight I intend to win but the reality is that only time will tell.
You did it- one step one day at a time. First year is hard and the brain foggy . It will improve. I still have bad days but they are less. I still cry and my heart still hurts and despite grinds and family I miss him. But I talk to him and I know he wants me to enjoy life so I have to keep going. This group is so useful for getting things off your chest. Grief is not talked about enough. On here we feel normal and folk understand. Keep chatting and doing as you are- a step at a time .
