First time on here. My daughter died in February, aged 19. I have made it through so many firsts without her, the first birthday, hers and mine, the first Mother’s Day, the first Christmas, the list goes on but today, I am finding really tough. I am watching the clock and don’t want 2023 to end. The thought of it being 2024, a year when I don’t get to cuddle her, is just heartbreaking. Trying to hold it together for the rest of the family (I have 3 other daughters) but also slightly annoyed (yes I feel terrible about this) that they are looking forward to the year being over. Please tell me someone can relate to this?
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Today has been terrible already , im very teary and shakey, my son has gone to his girlfriends so no children here now to be ’ fake’ with. A year in which they wont have lived is going to be very hard for so many of us.
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Today is horrendous for me as well, none stop crying, panic at the thought of never seeing my son again. I’ve done most of the firsts apart from his birthday but today out ways all of them, flashbacks again.
Miss her… I can relate to everything you have said. I was trying to tell my partner who only lost his son 7 weeks ago how I was feeling in amongst all my tears and nearly being physically sick. I haven’t experienced that feeling since the day I lost him. I want to curl up and it all be over with.
My thoughts are with us all at this difficult time, but keep trying to tell myself it’s just another day…it’s not working and who am I trying to kid it’s all ok when it isn’t.
I am full of gloom, not one bit of being positive…it’s all gone xx
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My daughter died just 5 days after being discharged from a psychiatric ward to a supported living flat. She was not suicidal, but she did have a long history of self harm and it was likely that one day it wouldn’t end well.
I am left with so many questions. Some may get answered at the inquest but I fear that many of my questions will never be answered.
I have been in a daze since February although to everyone, I probably look like I’m doing ok. It just feels like everyone has forgotten that my daughter died, I miss her so much. But I know that life has to go on so I guess it’s time for me to dry my tears for another day, and carry on in my daze.
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I feel just like all of you, I don’t want to start a new year as that means a year that my son won’t be living in. He passed in January and I’ve been through his first heavenly birthday and Christmas, I can’t face New Year. I’ve been crying so much these last few days, think it’s because I tried so hard at Christmas to enjoy with my other sons. The stress of trying to be ‘normal’ has really caught up with me. My heart goes out to you all x
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I think thats part of it weve had to put on a mask for a few days and then it hits us all again. Its changing first few months a day out of the house i would need 3 to recover. Ive really struggled today as 1st day my youngest son has not been here so no longer need to pretend until i collect him tomorrow
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I fully relate to what you’ve said and I totally understand.
All those firsts are agony and although each and everyone pass with pain and sadness,you then begin to worry about people forgetting your child.
We know that they’re not but time moves on and life goes on without them in it and unless you’ve lost a child they never really understand nor can they.
My heart bleeds for my darling,beautiful,funny,charismatic son whom I miss every minute of every day.
I’m with you completely.
Peace for 2024.
Love Jayne x
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Why do we make ourselves wear masks and pretend that we’re okay? Maybe I should’ve broken down, been honest with them? We did talk about Thomas and my eldest and his wife had some Christmas baubles made with a photo of me and Thomas at Christmas last year in them. But I didn’t break down, I held myself back. This next month will be a year since he passed, it’s making me crumble now just thinking of it.
Exactly how I feel
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I have no idea why us British wear our masks , i don’t think its for our benefit pretending we are coping, then disappearing to the loo to cry, no one mentioned my son, they all seem to avoid mentioning his name 
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I have had the same as Taff, it’s as though my son never existed to some people, come to the conclusion they are not worth bothering with.
Well I made it through another first. The thought of ‘leaving her behind in 2023’ was horrible but actually have realised that it’s just another date and that has brought me some comfort to know that I’ve survived another first. Just the anniversary of her death in Feb to go and then all the firsts will have been done and if I’ve managed them once I can manage them again. Don’t get me wrong, some days I don’t even want to get out of bed but I have decided to try and do one thing ‘normal’ each day. Today, was 2 loads of washing and half hour ironing. Go me!
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Missher I was like that the dread of leaving 2023, then realised it was just another day. Done all my firsts apart from two, my son’s birthday February and then March when I lost him. I can do it all somehow. Swimming and treadmill for me today xx
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@Taff I know why I put a mask on, my Mum does it. She has had such a rough life but never lets her mask slip, it’s not healthy. I keep my mask on for my sons, I don’t want them to see me upset but I’m going to work on that. Today I went to a bereavement group and it was a relief to say things I can’t to my sons or my husband, these people understood grief. I shall definitely go again, shame it’s just 2 meetings a month. I have the feeling people are forgetting Thomas and I can’t bear that. The thing I’m really dreading is when my daughter in law moves on, as she will as she’s only 31 but it will kick me in the guts when it happens. They were so in love and I will think that will signal that Thomas must be consigned to history 