The 'firsts'

One of my ‘firsts’ was a 3rd birthday party at the weekend. He should have been there, laughing, joking and then saying, as he always did - " this is too much fun, take me home now or lose me forever "
The kids would have loved him, the adults laughing at his jokes his antics. It’s a helluva lot of love to lose.
I felt so lonely so very lonely despite being surrounded by good, understanding & loving family & friends.
This pain is so unbearable


The first’s do not stop after 12 months on. We have a new grandson who never met his granda and it will be his first Christmas and then his first birthday in April. I am sick of hearing people (who have not lost their soulmate) tell me it will get better after the ‘firsts’ are over. Our son and partner are now also planning their wedding and I will have to go through that without my husband. I have not discussed with our son but I am not planning on being at any evening reception, I will offer to look after the grandson’s. My husband was the ‘party animal’ - I was always happy to just sit and watch his antics on the dance floor before taking him home. There can never be the same joy.

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Hi Sheila I agree the firsts don’t stop, and some take you by surprise. The one that threw me was being asked my marital status a couple of months later. It was a body blow just stood there not knowing what to say. I am hoping these firsts just get easier as we have dealt with a previous first if that makes sense, well that’s what I hope. x


Dear Viv3

Yes have had to endure that experience when changing the car insurance into my name. Clearly they knew the circumstances for the call but still asked me the question so I said ‘married’. They did not argue.

Good for you Sheila. I wasn’t ready for it. I was at A&E so wasn’t sure why it mattered.

I agree except I think that A&E would want to identify next of kin as a matter of procedure. But there are so many ‘matters of procedure’ which cause unnecessary heartache. When I went to the bank to sort out the name on accounts I asked that they did not send out a cheque book because it was just another reminder of having my husband’s name erased but they did as it was a matter of procedure.

Beggars belief what they will do. I had issues with a fair few companies I dealt with also.

Hi all I went through our first anniversary without pauline on the 17th of August I have been worse ever since I feel like I’m just walking around in a daze doing things that I have to on autopilot sleeping way to much but as you all know sleep is so restless constantly waking up its my birthday next week but it means nothing now without her I won’t be celebrating it I feel angry but I don’t know who at not her because it wasn’t her fault all I seem to feel is pain and anger and just so lost and the emptiness it doesn’t ease I was asked by the cpn for my next of kin I told her I haven’t changed it from pauline she said when I decide who to put to let her know its either got to be my sister or my niece one is local the other is in Blackburn I don’t want to change it though do I have to

Dear Casey1

Everything is just another hurdle put in front of us as we try to navigate through the existence we find ourselves in.

Take care as best you can.

@Sheila26 hi Sheila thankyou I will I’m thinking of you with the anniversary approaching take care sending love and hugs x

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My grand daughter has just told me that she starts university in Brighton on Sept 25th. It is the day Ron passed away. I have gone through most of the 1sts of everything but this one will be so hard because it is hundreds of miles away and I feel I am losing her too.

@Angiejo2 hi angiejo I am so sorry you feel like you are losing your grand daughter too I’m sure you will still see her and she will talk to you regularly on the phone I know its not the same and it must be hard but you are a strong lady and you will cope sending hugs and love x