Hope you don’t mind me asking to anyone who is 12 months or more down this horrible road but how do you get through the firsts? Christmas is getting near and my birthday isn’t far after so wondered if anyone has any tips or suggestions to help cope with all of of these now my wife isn’t here to be with me as I’m dreading all of them, thank you. I want to try to make them as normal as possible for our daughter but it’s going to be very hard.
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Hello @Timbo,
My reasoning is rather logical I’m afraid so maybe not what you want to hear. I treat birthdays etc like every other day. How can they be any worse than any other day without our loved ones? Can they be worse than yesterday? Can they be worse than tomorrow? No! Every day is agony without my man. However, I do put a card up for his birthday and I also put a card up for mine - one he sent me in the past. I also bring out cards for our wedding anniversary but that’s the extent of it really. I feel we can overthink these things so I keep it to a minimum.
The one time that really got me and I couldn’t shake off, was the first New Year without him. Oh how I didn’t want to move into the new year without him; a year where he hadn’t lived. I didn’t want to leave the year when he had lived, leaving him behind. Beware of the new year @Timbo. I now realise that I could never leave him behind. He’s here with me every single day, where I go he comes too. He’s alive in my heart therefore lives every year I do. 
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@Crazy_Kate thank you. Alive in our hearts is a lovely way to keep them going and keep them with us.
I also have cards from the past for birthdays etc so I can get them out. And you are right, it’s just another day without my wife with me.
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Another thing I like to say: my husband may have died but he’s not dead. 
With regards your initial question @Timbo, perhaps be guided by your daughter too. She may want to celebrate Christmas, her mum’s birthday etc. We’re all different and try to cope in our different ways.
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Hi there Timbo
I’m afraid Kate has more or less said exactly as I was going to.
I arrange to go out on any difficult days. Make a day of it and keep myself occupied. I take my dogs for a bus ride to another area and we walk in beautiful countryside. My husband was also a walker. I carry him with me at all times and feel him close and he has NEVER been dead to me either. Otherwise I work on my allotments which he loved and asked me to keep them.
I also put out the cards on birhtdays.
It can be hard at first but eventually these days can become become lovely memories.
Good luck
If they’re in our hearts they are never far away.
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Thanks everyone. One day at a time isn’t it, holding them close always.
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I agree, each New Year is the pits and I’m sure it always will be.
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I agree totally it is three and a half years since my wife passed but as long as i have her picture and memories of her she will never be away from me
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Tim, i feel like you, this will be my first Christmas, new year and birthday (4 Jan) without my husband who died unexpectedly in August and i am dreading them all. My husband was Mr Christmas and we had some many traditions associated with this time of year and their absence exaccerabates the pain. I don’t have children and am at my sisters Christmas day and just want it to be over asap. As for my birthday - we always went away for a few days (as we did for his) and should have been doing the same for this one, again it’s something i just want to be over. If you google first christmas without partner / spouse you can find some ideas which may or may not help you - a couple of them have helped me.
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This is my first Christmas without my soulmate. I still cry at the drop of a hat, silly things set me off. I feel so tired all the time.
This time last year we were arranging what we were doing, sharing, talking all the things I took for granted. Then that awful day in April you got up then you were gone. But what people don’t tell you is that your whole existence changes.
I have grandchildren who loved their Bumpy oh so much. They believe in Santa so I must get through it for them.
I need to be positive for them no matter how I feel inside.
I sit on my own it is lonely and the worry/lonely monster keeps me company. He isn’t very friendly. I would like him to give me some respite so I can remember all the wonderful times we had. Instead of this constant pain.
Grief is all consuming it has no boundaries and until it visits you you cannot understand it’s power.
I don’t have any answers apart from it is just another day.
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Hi @Davaire
I’m so sorry to hear about your soulmate and how you’re feeling. It may be helpful to have a read of our article ‘coping with grief at Christmas’ - Coping with grief at Christmas | Sue Ryder - for some advice and ideas on how you might choose to approach it this year.
Remember, there is no pressure to feel one way or another and please be kind to yourself by taking things at your own pace. Letting others know how you’d like to approach Christmas this year may be helpful too.
Lots of members of our community light a candle at 7pm on Christmas Eve to remember their loved ones; if you would like to be a part of this, please find out more on the thread below:
Please keep reaching out to the community - you’re not alone.
Take good care,
Kate