The guilt and loss is so painful

My lovely mum died 4 weeks ago today. She had had a bad back for 4 months which they diagnosed as a pulled muscle. She developed pneumonia and collapsed. 4 days after she collapsed and was in hospital she was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer which had metastasised. 2 days after the diagnosis she died. I was with her at the end. I drove from Cornwall the day she collapsed and was by her side all week. All I can do is sit here and punish myself for not being a better daughter which my husband says is ludicrous. Me and mum were close and we never argued. But all i can think of were the occasional times when I was snappy or maybe spoke out of turn. I loved her dearly. and I can’t comprehend that she isn’t here. Mum was such a shy quiet person. Very sensitive so I was always careful to not upset her. I always tried to do everything for her. She had my dad though and they were homebodies. I used to get upset sometimes that I didn’t see them enough. I never said anything though. Kept it to myself. But I used to moan to my husband that they never come over as much and I feel bad for all the bad thoughts or any words I said that may have upset her. Even though my husband and children say that I was lovely to her. I am just overwhelmed with guilt and sadness and pain.

Guilt often accompanies bereavement. We look back and think we could have done better. But hindsight can be a great deceiver. It highlights the times when we feel we could have done better and we forget the better times.
I’m so sorry to hear about you mum. When it happens so suddenly it seems all the more unbearable.
By the sound of your post you did all you could. We can all find times when we could have behaved better. But the past is gone. Listen to your husband and children. Perhaps they can be a bit more objective than you.
Pese try, I say try becuse it is difficult, but try and not flog yourself with guilt and remoease.

Sorry, once again it skipped and posted before I finished. To continue.
That should have read ‘remorse’.

We can all find times when we could have done better. We are human and not Saints. You must avoid sitting and punishing yourself. Do you think your mum has forgiven any small misdemeanors you may have done? Of course she has. And forgive yourself if you feel guilt as I am sure she would have wanted.
It’s such early days yet and grief is a process that takes time. This site will help a lot because you are not alone. We all know and care.
Blessings and come back when you want and let us know how you feel.

Thank you for your reply and helping me to put lots of thoughts into perspective. Every day is a struggle at the moment. Going over and over every thought. Every action. Did we miss signs she was ill. I hope one day I can find a place of peace.

I understand how your feeling. I also lost my mum after her suffering with gallstones which turned out to be metastatic pancreatic cancer. 7 days after diagnosis she died. She was my rock, my best friend, my psychic anchor and was so full of life and joy and love. Its unbearably painful. The guilt is completely normal. I know it’s easier said than done but try to remember the good times. X

Jooles,

I feel your pain and spend all day every day searching for answers. My fit and apparently healthy 74 year old mum died of a sudden brain haemorrhage 14 weeks ago.
Following her post mortem we discovered that her vascular system was a mess and she had evidence of a historic heart attack. What?
Mum was doing all my childcare, running the house and landscaping the garden. It’s a wonder how she was doing all this with severe heart disease that she knew nothing about and severely blocked arteries everywhere.
How didnt we notice she was ill? Hiw wasnt she getting any symptoms?
I drive myself insane with all this anx cry every single day where I miss her so much. I would have made her slow down if I had an inkling she was ill. I wish we had made her see a doctor but we had no idea. She was slowing down for sure but she was 74 and she also had rheumatoid arthritis.
The pain, the guilt, the questioning us all going to drive me to an early grave but I cant stop.
So I completely understand your pain and hope we will all find peace with this one day.

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