I’m finding it incredibly difficult dealing with the guilt after losing my mum of things I should have and could have done in her last few months.
Although my mum was on dialysis treatment, we never thought it would be imminently terminal. We never spoke about the possibility she would die and still thought we had a few years left. There were warning signs but we both didn’t take notice and resumed living as normal. In some ways, I deliberately in hindsight ignored a lot of the symptoms.
She had been having difficulties walking. It was sort of up and down but she was still going shopping and driving right to the end. She had a mild heart attack almost exactly a year before she passed away. A stent was put in, it was mild we were told and she made a great recovery. Her legs were feeling better. The doctor said walking was the best way of improving them. She used my granny’s old walking stick for a while ages ago but that she dumped it away in a cupboard when she didn’t need it and never used it again. It was just seeing her use a walking stick, I remember being upset at seeing it. I was so glad when she didn’t need it anymore.
Early last year, I came home to find she was having stroke like symptoms, unable to get her words out. It was really upsetting. I called an ambulance right away. I’m not sure what it was as she’d had a few minor strokes years ago but the tests were all clear. She came home and was still managing the stairs ok. In my mind, I felt it was a way of exercise too.
But about 2 weeks before she said I need a stair lift. I was looking at them when she died. I so regret not doing it sooner. If I’d only known, I would have gone all out with everything. But she was still walking, driving and independent, going shopping by herself mainly to her favourite Home Bargains. We both had no idea what was about to unfold until near the end we realised. She went shopping one day I was at work and felt dizzy in Tesco’s. They helped her to the car and asked to call anybody, like me I said! She refused, I’m alright now she drove off. She told me that night, I was like why didn’t you phone me? " Och I’m fine now, you were at work" she said… I said och mum I would have come straight home.
Maybe my mum knew more than she let on but I genuinely don’t think she thought she would go. They asked us for a DNR and mum said “maybe a few years from now”
It’s the feeling that I can’t change it, I can’t make it right. I feel so guilty that I didn’t do more or get more to help her. I keep telling her how sorry I am, I feel so guilty that I was so short sighted, ignorant at how bad it was and maybe stubborn a bit like my mum could be. She always has this thing of never admitting defeat. Like they offered her patient transport with the “disabled, elderly people” but she didn’t want that. But my mum was elderly and disabled and we didn’t take accept it. She liked getting behind the wheel of her car, lighting her cigarette and tearing in the road. My only comfort is she did that to the very end.
I’m trying to find whatever positives I did do. I got her a blue badge about 6 months before so that parking would be better. We’d talked about it but one day I just had an urge to go do it. She was so pleased. I put it on her dashboard. A few days later, I went out to her car. Here’s the blue badge hidden under the seat. Her reply to this “I just don’t want anybody seeing that I have one of them”. I’ll put it on the dash just when I need i" honestly I don’t think she ever used it much at all lol. But it was this spirit that kept her going.
But I cry a lot about the stair lift and that I didn’t get her that. She’d talked about a Revitive machine for a while, when I could see how bad she was, I ordered the day before she went into hospital. She was so happy and looking forward using it but sadly never got to use it. I just wish I’d got that and the stair lift sooner, it breaks my heart.
Sorry to go on but I’m just wondering if anybody else feels guilty like this. Sometimes it feels just so unbearable and there’s nothing I can do. I feel I let her down so much by ignoring him bad things were getting.