The inner conflict of Loosing my dad

My dad passed away last month from prostate cancer. I was with him at the hospital when he passed and I’m struggling to move forward too, I’m taking each day as it comes. He also had dementia and I was his carer for a while but found it extremely hard to cope with it. I took a little respite as he became verbally abusive but then he lost his mobility to his legs and was admitted to hospital. I immediately dropped everything and went to see him & I was with him everyday. He went for an MRI scan & passed away shortly after as his cancer had spread aggressively all over his body and it wasn’t able to handle the effects of the sedation they gave him. I don’t know how to feel as it all happened so suddenly and seeing him in his last moments was a very traumatic experience. I keep crying whenever I think of him , and I look around my house and see the little things he’s done like the shelves he put up or the little stool he brought for my son and it instantly sets me off. I isolate myself at times as I don’t know how to answer the how are you questions that come from friends & family as I honestly don’t know how I feel. I just know I need to slow down and properly process my emotions without judging them.

It’s weird because I really miss him one day & then the another day I’ll feel really angry at him for the way he used to verbally insult me. My dad was in the RAF also in his early teens and suffered with PTSD & manic depression. I grew up in a very traumatic way and when I was 14 I wanted so badly to heal my dad from his sadness & depression. As I got older I started studying holistic healing & different meditations. I even wrote a book about how I courageously began to take my power back from being raised in such a traumatic adolescent lifestyle. My mother had to flee for her life when I was 16 because she suffered from domestic abuse, and now my dad has passed away she is beginning to speak up about some of the things she had to live through during her marriage to my dad. I love my dad dearly but disliked his behaviour towards me & my mum, well women in general really. It’s a deep inner conflict I fight with on a daily basis which takes me through a variety of emotions.

I joined this platform to share my story as well as interact with people who are dealing with loss , grief and sadness. Maybe me sharing my experiences may help another to speak up and share theirs.

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Hello @Honey29, thank you for bravely sharing your story with us. You sound like a very strong person who has overcome a lot. I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. I can see you have been active on other threads - thank you for supporting other members and I hope you find the community to be a support to you, too.

You mention that you want to slow down and process your emotions. We offer free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat, which might be helpful for you right now. Some members have also found journaling to be a good way to talk to their loved ones and process their feelings.

Thank you again for reaching out - you are not alone.

Take care,