4 years ago, my fiancé died on Valentine’s night from a medical episode. Despite my best efforts at CPR, the ambulance took 35 minutes to arrive (start of the pandemic), and I couldn’t save him. I felt tremendous guilt, alongside the huge shock and grief at what happened. Lockdown meant I lost the support of my family and friends, which I badly needed. Being a key worker and now being sole provider for my kids, I went into survival mode and worked hard through lockdown, not really taking the time to process the grief properly as it was too painful. I suffered PTSD and relived that night over and over, everytime I eventually collapsed to sleep. My dad who I idolised, was diagnosed with cancer very shortly after my fiancé’s death, and I purposefully distanced myself from him a fair bit, while preparing myself for his passing. Also, being a key worker, I couldn’t see my parents over the pandemic due to their vulnerable status: I couldn’t bear the risk of making them worse. (Mum also had COPD pretty bad).
By November 2023, after several promotions through working myself to the bone as an avoidance strategy, I had a nervous breakdown and could work no longer. The PTSD was returning from before. The 16-18 hour days, and often 36 hour stints of work that I had been doing were now physically impossible and i was signed off. I had begun to look into starting my own business and my parents were as excited as me to see my plans come to fruition. Then, on January 14th 2024, they were both killed in a car accident.
I was driving (out looking for them as they were very late to their location and not answering their phones- I was worried). I just finished a phone call to the local A&E as I was retracing their route, when my sister called and told me the news I never, ever wanted to hear. “Pull over. Mum and dad are dead”. I screamed and shouted “No!” and felt an overwhelming crash like a tidal wave of disbelief, shock, panic, and emotions I could never adequately describe. I screamed and sobbed and shouted all the way to my sister’s house. I have no idea how I managed to get there safely, I was absolutely distraught and traumatised.
The last 4 weeks have felt like the longest day of my life. We have arranged the funeral, bought the outfits, chosen the flowers and music, and are going through the legalities and paperwork. I have to make a speech at the funeral, as Im the eldest of my sisters and I just cannot find the words to start it. I dont know how I’ll make it through the funeral, but i do feel strongly that I should say something. The usual poems are already being read, so it needs to be something personal.
But anyway, that’s me. Good luck on your journeys 
