Hi Lorraine
It looks like you and I will be on the same page on 10th/11th Feb. As it drawers closer I feel a bit jittery. I have been having feelings of guilt because I just heard that the husband of a colleague of mine has been given the all clear after cancer treatment. I cried when I heard that because it didn’t happen for my husband and I suppose I’m envious that they will still have each other. I need to pull myself together.
I also found out I have skin cancer at the beginning of January. I’m assured it’s easily treatable but I really don’t worry about it all that much. There’s only 2 options. Either I’m cured and live a full and healthy life or I’m not and I will be with my husband sooner rather than later. I feel OK about it. I haven’t shared that with my family. If I can get to the other side of this without them knowing I would be happy.
I haven’t thought about any coping strategies for the 10th. I took Leave from work for that week and will spend it walking and playing with the dog. I know that family and friends will call or text me. They are all very caring but for once I think I want to be alone that day. I don’t know why, I just do.
I hope you get through your day as best you can.
I’ll be thinking of you.
xxx
Hi Ellie
I’m so sorry to hear about your skin cancer, and I can understand your feelings about it. Two of my sister-in-laws have had skin cancer over the past 18 months or so, and both have had small operations to remove the cancers on their face, arms and bodies. Both are absolutely fine now though they’ve been told to look out for any other occurrences.
I can really relate to what you say about your colleague’s husband. I spent months looking at couples, especially elderly couples, holding hands and just being together, and thinking how unfair it was - that was the future that WE should have had, but he was snatched away and our future went with him.
I can’t have that week in February off as I work in a school, but I may ask if I can work from home that day as I really don’t know what I’ll be like.
Good luck with the cancer treatment, and I will be thinking of you on the 10th.
xxx
Thank you so much Lorraine. I do hope that everyone who is dreading some kind of milestone will find the strength to get through it. I might be OK or I might just want to howl. I know that I do want to be alone for this though. This day is for me and him and I don’t want any spectators.
Take care .
xxxx
I so agree with you, Just take it one day at a time, even one hour or minute at a time.
My husband of 30 years died on 21st Feb 2020. I think i have walked through my grief during this pandemic. I initially had to get out of the house and feel the air, hear the birds to know that i was alive. I try to follow my instinct (if work and awful weather dont get inthe way!) and just follow my instint - exercise, rest, talk to family and friends,long hot bath, declutter a cupboard, what ever…
Sending you warmest wishes and peace.
Hi Lorraine and Ellie, Like you both, i will be trying to deal with my last first on 21st Feb. Some of the other firsts that hurt were unexpected. Our childrens birthday - how does anyway sign a card to their child when normally you would both sign it? It just underlined the loss. But birthday cards to other people hurt in a similar way.
Doing a first walk around a favourite family walk hurt as he was not with me. Even getting the car serviced was hard as he would normaly have done it and asked loads of questions about it etc (being a car fanatic!).
Part of me wants time to hurry up so i can get pass this last first day and yet i dont want it to come as it means he will be missing from my life for over a year.
Thinking of you
Warmest wishes XX
Hi Julia
Writing Christmas cards last year was difficult. My husband always did them. He had such lovely handwriting. I had a few cards from people who didn’t know he had died and telling them brought it back all over again. I have lists that he made. He was a great list writer. Everything had to be put on a list. It drove me crazy! but I find myself doing exactly the same now. He was right after all.
I will be thinking of you all in the next few weeks as you come up to the first last.
I’ll let you know how I get on. It might bring a bit of hope to some people to know that I did get through it. And I will because I have to.
XXXXXX
Thanks Ellie, i’m sure we will get through this time. There are likely to be some tears but that is ok. Im aiming to try and focus on lots of happy memories and not his death (I dont need to remind myself about that!). I hope i can follow my own advice to others and just take it one step at a time and be kind to myself. I have found with most of the other Firsts that the lead up to it was worse that the day in many respects. The anxiety of what would happen and could i get though it was horrid but actually i did survive it. Will be thinking of you too. Take care xx
Take care yourself.
xxx
Hi Julia K I just thought I would tell you how i manage with any family cards since my lovely Ron passed 4 years ago. I have never just put my name I always put my name and Ron my Angel. When I send the grandchildren and daughters I always put Mum and Dad our Angel and the same with the grandchildren mind you they have grown now. Christmas cards was the same I even have cards sent to me with my Angel on them. I always feel he is always here never forgot to whilst his name appears. Hope you didn’t mind me telling you this but it has helped very much. Sending love and hugs to you at this sad time. Xx Carol xxxx
That is a lovely idea Carol, thanks for sharing. X
I’ve just done my last 1st, the anniversary of my husband’s funeral on the 3rd January. I’ve found the hardest days are the ones you don’t expect, the anniversaries you sort of build up to. I’ll see something on the TV and it sets me off … there’s still certain programmes I can’t watch because they wouldn’t be the same. The worst feeling is not being able to imagine the future, the one we had looked forward to has gone. My life as I knew it has stopped too, I can’t see a way past that at the moment.
Dear Jodel
I have had only a few firsts since my husband died in September. Many still to come.
I have had to stop watching our favourite programmes, I just cannot face it without him by my side. I too cannot imagine a future, I honestly do not believe that I have one and spend most nights trying to understand how we are in this position - how my hardworking, kind and gentle husband could be taken so suddenly and in such tragic circumstances without even an opportunity for any of us to say goodbye. I would give up everything I own to have him back. I am lost, hearbroken, scared and feel pathetic. Some people, with the best intentions, tell me that I am strong and will get through this but the reality is I am not without my husband. Also I want to ask and what if I do’n’t want to get through it?
We have a beautiful grandson, just turned one (his first birthday was after my husband’s death). I look at his beautiful face and he is the double of our son, who is the double of my husband. This makes the day both tolerable and heartbreaking.
I have found this community site helpful
Hi my dear husband passed away 12th March 2020 aged 63 from cancer and my dear father 3 days later aged 103 .I have got through my husband’s birthday but in the next few days it will be our 45th wedding anniversary which is going to be so hard I miss him so much and don’t know how I’m going to get through it.
Hi all. Like you Julia K, I really struggled to write on the children’s birthday cards. I managed OK with cards for others, but just to put ‘mum’ on the children’s - I just couldn’t seem to do it. I tried several times but had to leave them. It came to a point where I was running out of time so, in the end I put ‘Mum’, and then underneath ‘and Dad in Heaven’. Somehow that was better. For my recent birthday (my first without Gary), the children bought me a large very cuddly Pooh Bear and left a note with it saying that I should hug it when I felt sad and remember that there was someone special in Heaven who loved me. It was so lovely of them. I feel blessed to have my children, but at the same time it seems so unfair that they should lose their dad so young. xxx
Hi Sheila
I have just read your message and I too find this community site helpful.
My husband passed away in November 20, at times I have felt I was going mad with the depth of my feelings of grief. It has helped to know that different people have the same feelings.
I too feel lost, scared, heartbroken and pathetic and so very afraid of a future without him, he was lovely kind gentle man who gave me such emotional support.
I still cry every day, but no longer that hysterical sobbing. I feel calmer with a kind of acceptance but still the thought of a life without him is unbearable.
Like you have said before, we have to take each day at a time. If I look too far ahead it frightens me and I too would give anything to have him still with me.
Take care
Christy
Hi Lorraine I am so glad you managed to put Dad in heaven as I said I always put our Angel being Dad or Grandad. My family feel my Ron is always mentioned and never forgotten. But of course everyone is different. Sending love and hugs to you. XxxxCarol xxxx
Thanks Lorraine, A lovely way to manage a difficult time. Children ar a comfort but i too feel it is so hard for them, even in their 20’s. Its too young to loose your father. x
Hi what a beautiful idea, thank you for sharing x
Sometimes its the build up that is worse than the actual day .I was a lot worse Christmas Eve than Christmas Day . The first birthday and Anniversary came really quickly after Bills death it would have been our Ruby Wedding last year and it was his birthday the day after .To be honest I was still numb at that point so everything merged into one .Valentine’s day is tricky as its my birthday as well but I know I will get through it .Bill fought so hard to live and I just feel I have to live for myself and him .He will go forward with me because I will think of him and love him for the rest of my life but he is gone and that cant be changed .We are going to have good days and bad days but we will go forward and maybe we will build a life and be happy thats not wrong .I always think what would Bill have done if I had died I know he would mourn me but he would have wanted to move forward in time .You have done so well by the sounds of it and grief is complicated its different for everyone and there is no right or wrong .I hope you got through the anniversary alright .Take care x
Hi Susie, i think you are so right that the build up is worse that the day. I feel so tense for about a week before and then the day just happens and i seem to just get through it.
I too now feel that i have to live for me. I just take part of Mike with me for ever and feel stronger for having loved him and been loved by him for so long.
For valentines day, I have broughts myself lots of flowers and chocolates, as he would have done that for me.
Happy Birthday for tomorrow, Susie.
Take care x