Today is my first birthday without my partner who died suddenly aged 58, 7 months ago. I just feel numb and alone.
I have also been caring for my sick father who was hospitalised on 2nd Jan, and have since learned he has a rare cancer that has spread to his spine, lung & liver. They can alleviate symptoms but treatment would be too aggressive for him to take.
Just need a break from all this heartache.
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Hi,
First of all, happy birthday. I don’t know what to say that’ll make you feel better cos I also just lost my mum…
But maybe try doing something that will make you laugh today. Take sometime, watch a comedy, go to the park - anything. Your partner and dad would want you to have fun.
Happy birthday. Sending hugs…
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JLF12, i too spent my first birthday alone on 30th January, i didn’t celebrate as it didn’t feel right without my beloved husband.
Do whatever you think is best.
Happy Birthday, try and have a good day .
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Happy birthday i know how ur feeling my birthday coming up 18th feb and going to be first without my linda for 14 years of being together she passed 8/10/24 and only 53 tok and i too looking after her poorly mum but she at home with me its dam hard xmas was terrible and new year then linda birthday would been 10 th dec too you just have to roll with this horrid place it not good place is grief road i feel for you I truly do take cate i know its gona be a long journey as everyone says 
Martin
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Thank you all.
I have been to a class at the gym now off for a swim. Will see my boys this eve.
Sending strength for your birthday too Martin - they will never be the same again. I have a day off being a 24hr carer today, hope you have some extra help too, to make some time just for you.
But our only path is to carry on as best we can 
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Thank you jlf12 for your kind words im still trying to manage on my own as adult soc care still haven’t set up any help despite contacting them in November had a visit two weeks ago but still the wheels turn so slowly luckily mum has me here but i hate to think what would be happening if i wasn’t here my linda was a carer too home care and care homes for some years she loved her job but due to her mum falling and being poorly had to stop and take care of her and my dad full time im diagnosed with heart issue so its difficult now she supported me but now its all a mess you take care and glad you see your lads and have some time off you deserve it hugs
Martin
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Lost my wife a month before her 68th birthday on the 10/10/24 was my first in our near 25 years of happy ones.
Lost my sister four days before my wife she was visiting my wife in hospital and collapsed beside her bed with what was found to be a brain bleed.Both of them had the same birthday 10/10. Been a tough few months.
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Life is so cruel, it is hard enough dealing with grief for 1 person, but to have 2 so close together. Feel for you silverfox.
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Reading all your messages I’m sending virtual hugs to everyone. So many of us losing partners in mid age and then having to care for elderly parents- in my case my husband’s parents who live locally and my own widowed mum in her 80s who lives 3 hours drive. I’ve just had to give up my full time special needs teaching job to juggle it all along with the post death admin and with both our kids at uni I’m alone for the first time in 35 years since my lovely man and I first met when we were their age.
Some people seem to think I’ve got some kind of freedom pass and have no idea the emotional and mental strain grief puts on you especially when you know you’ve got more to pile on top - does anyone else have to do lots of forgiving ? Friends don’t mean to be insensitive they just don’t have the same life experience - or worries. And so sick of those who think they can manage me as a pity project to brag to others about how “good” they are… sorry about venting but am I the only one with these things going on ? Just miss my man more than ever atm.
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@IM55 so sprry for you now having to travel this road too i onow how that feels im now having to care for my lindas 85 year old mum with mobility issues and poor health too its such a nightmare getting any help here from adult social care they move so slowly ive got a heart issue myself but its being maintained by medication but the red tape and slow underfunded care system is just terrible im just struggling with Linda’s mum i don’t know how your coping with three elderly parents thats amazing that you are juggling all those responsibility’s i applaud you my partners mum lives with us sorry me i keep doing that 
and cannot handle the stairs do is pretty much room bound to her room and toilet but i struggle with the stairs anyway it wasn’t to bad with both me and linda it could be done ok but now is just not safe even the fire brigade said its not good should anything happen whilst i have to go for shopping meds or drs appointments for me thats the only thing i go out for now as it causes me anxiety leaving her so going to any grief counciling of help for me to grieve is just not practical so I’m just bottling it up I’ve no family or friends here as we hadn’t been here long so with all thats happened since covid we just had each other linda and i thats all we wanted to be safe from covid plus i was trying shield my dad with cancer but passed in 2021 so i was still dealing with that now lost linda its just destroyed me i think it must be so annoying people trying to manage you when they have no idea of this pain and how it drains us i too mis my linda like nothing i could ever imagine take care of you huge hugs
Martin
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Thanks Martin - sounds so hard for you. Just take one day at a time . we’re all just doing the best we can in this broken underfunded system. My lovely niece who works from home a few days a week stays with my mum for those then I travel up to do the others - hence my need to give up my job until we can get the right care in place ( and convince my mum to accept it an even bigger job !!) as you can’t work from home in teaching no alternative for now so using everything I saved up for my kids and very grateful for organisations like community fridges and the too good to go app to save on food… like I’ve read so many on this community say sometimes you wonder when all this pain will stop we just have to keep putting one foot in front the other day by day. Do take care of yourself and keep using the community so you know you’re not alone in this. You can always talk about Linda too it’s good to remember and share our loved ones . Big hug
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Martin and IM55, seems there are many of us in similar situations. I foolishly thought that life would get easier with age, and as my children become adults. But it’s really quite the opposite. “Adulting” is hard. We need space and time for our own grief yet life just fills up with more responsibilities and more emotional situations to deal with. Hang on in there, and hope you get some help soon x
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@IM55 your right it is a very broken underfunded system i had a call today after i rang my social prescriber she chased up adult social care app the trainee they sent with there trainer rang and said they had stopped this trainer and it had got put behind again what a mess she said she now has had to take back over the case of mums assessment and will be putting it forward for funding assessment so its still waiting because they sent in someone who either wasn’t up to the job or didn’t want to do it what a waste of funds and time when they could see I’m struggling as is mum getting the personal care in place they were told that mum wasn’t getting any personal care now since linda passed and the only bit she had was when Linda’s daughter was here for the funeral and then had to go back up north in end of October its just fight everything and to be honest this is slowly killing me i was bad my blood pressure dropped the other night to 90 over 56 which is not good my balance was not in a good place i darnt call ambulance incase they take me in as id be worried about mum being alone its just a vicious circle at the moment having a heart issue too i just think this will send me too my linda at this rate even tried calling Samaritans but after 3 unanswered calls of 6mins each i gave up and ended up crying all night my bp did come up a little be early hours but only a bit and then the daylight broke and another day of struggling against this broken system once more thats all i seem to be doing like walking through treacle i hope no one else has to go through this i really do it just drains the life out of you big hugs everyone
Martin
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So sorry
I lost my dearest love on 23 September 24. Christmas was awful, my birthday in January was so difficult. My friends are great as are folks on this site but I still feel raw
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@KateTr im so sorry your on this road too just a little longer than me losing my linda then im not surprised your still raw its like being stuck on repeat everyday we just cant process this losing our soulmate its relentless and just no rime or reason why was they taken but no answer comes its a hard long road with seemingly no end thats hard to even contemplate take care my thoughts are with you martin
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I know exactly what you mean @Martin64 the system is beyond broken. It’s the jobsworths that anger me so much, the people who stick to the rules no matter how ridiculous they are. It’s no better in Italy either. We were send round and round in circles just to get permission to scatter Blaise’s ashes in a field, yep… you did read that right… a field, an empty field. Anyway permission was denied but we did it anyway.
Take care everyone, xx
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@JonnyBadger yes totally broken an obsticle round every corner another hurdle to have to jump through oh thats awfull just a field good grief glad you did it though id have done the same red tape is ridicules jobsworths everywhere just seems like no compassion these days take care of you too
Martin
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@JonnyBadger n@martin.
I agreed with you we have a very broken system and it’s not going to get any better. I’ve read so many things on this chatline and the main one is the lack of resources and help there is out there. Care for others and also the situation we’re in. It makes my blood boil. I’m writing to my local MP at the moment I just felt I had put into words the lack of help that is out there. Just by chance she can something anything . I’ve got to try at least. Xx
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