It’s been a while since I posted, and when I have done this community has always been of comfort.
Just briefly, my partner died just over 6 months ago from cancer, aged 58, the end came very suddenly, like from being reasonably ok to dying within 2 weeks. Like most of you, I’ve faced many battles and many demons, had counselling and often questioned my whole point of being here, but here still I am.
Last week I myself was very ill, got taken into hospital and one of the things they found on the CT Scan was an abnormality on my left lung, so know I’m waiting on a scan for that. Laying on that hospital bed last week brought back all the memories of visiting my partner in hospital day after day, watching her get more ill, and having the doctor tell us she had about 3 weeks left….. while in hospital I had no one visit me, no one to support me, and I felt completely alone, and that’s carried on now I’m at home, no one’s really checking in on me, and I so miss my partner who would be supporting me & giving me comfort, instead I sit in, watching tv or being online, and like tonight, in bed at 6pm. The loneliness is truly awful, and even at 58, I just feel like I’m waiting to die myself.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this on your own. I lost my partner, very suddenly to a cardiac arrest, only 4.months ago, I have struggled so much.
Do you have any family to contact or friends that could help. Sometimes we have to reach out to them as they don’t always know what to do to help.
I have also found comfort on this site, there are some lovely people on here. We’re all going through this terrible pain and heartache.
I hope you can have a peaceful evening 
LJ
Hello Ade
I’m so sorry to read that you’re going through this on your own. This is what I fear the most, getting ill and nobody to help. This is when we miss our dear partners the most, as they’d be right there helping and supporting us.
My Ray has been gone 7 months today and I feel as if I’m going mad with grief. Can’t believe I’m in this situation at 55, we should have had so many more years.
Sorry to go on about myself! I’m sending you good wishes, I hope things work out for you. Keep posting here, we are all here for you.
Take care Ade x
I am so sorry you’re going through this on your own. Is there anybody you can reach out to . Thinking of you 
Please don’t apologise for talking about yourself, In some ways that’s part of the comfort, knowing that you aren’t the only one going through it.
I guess I’m what you call a ‘functioning depressive’ now. I go to work, I even still see my friends for a few drinks on a Saturday, like I always did while with my partner, but I’m a complete fraud, I smile when needed to, I laugh when needed to….. but the moment I leave to go home the mask drops and it’s almost a relief to be on my own going home, where I can shut out the world.
I keep telling myself that I should book a solo trip somewhere, but then I imagine I’d be walking along looking at things going “Coral would have loved this” and wonder why on earth I’m there!
Hello, it’s not the same but I returned from holiday & no one rang to check id got home ok, put a pint of milk in the fridge etc… it’s made me realise I have to be the one who is there for me now, I never thought I’d be in this position but I’m collating information like telephone numbers of care companies, food delivery companies, taxi companies, how to get medications delivered etc… just in case I need them if I became unwell, i feel then if I was to struggle ill know who to reach out to for help, I thought it was just me who felt like this but I think there are many of us in this situation.
Hi LJ.G,
Reaching out is a double edged sword, as I don’t really want to see people and be social, I often knock back requests for dinner or whatever, as I don’t really want to go, because invariably I feel like I should be there with Coral, and the whole thing feels fake.
I was always the more social one out of us, often out, holidays with mates (obviously we went on hols as a couple too) but now there’s no joy in it, at all.
Yes I understand that too. I went to stay with my brother, only 2 nights, but I just couldn’t settle, I felt so ill that I was relieved to get home, albeit on my own. I do have sons who check in and look after me, so I’m lucky there.
Going out is still daunting for me to be honest. I have anxiety issues so am working on that. I’m still off work, but I really want to try and go back soon.
This is so so hard to navigate. I had no idea I would be going through this, I thought we would be looking forward to retirement together.
I hope you can find some peace tonight. Keep posting on here LJ
Hello, I know exactly what you mean about being at home, I’ll go out with my family to church or out to lunch with a friend, but I find comfort at home, just shutting out everything and I sit in my husband’s recliner and just have myself a good ol cry and think of him. And I don’t dare go to another flea market, not without him. Sorry I just went on and on, so sorry for your loss, take care and may God bless you
Same as how I feel. I go out shopping at 8am to avoid people. Haven’t got the energy to make small talk and have no interest in other people’s silly dramas.
Work takes up enough energy and dealing with people who act as if I’ve got leprosy and avoid eye contact is the reason I’ve taken this week off. You really see how grief illiterate we are as a society!
Home is my safe place and the only place I want to be right now. I can be alone with my thoughts about Ray. I don’t care what anyone else thinks about that, it’s right for me at the moment and that’s all that matters.
Hope you have a good day Ade
Dear Ade 188,
I can relate a lot to what you describe here and I hope that this place will fill in the loneliness, because that’s what it does to me… Your beloved one is watching over you and loving you forever…
Janka
Hi Ade,
Have only just seen your message as unfortunately the Sue Ryder message went straight into spam - so sorry for the delayed reply. I felt I had to respond to your message as your circumstances are a mirror image of mine. It was always expected that I would pre -decease my husband as I have advanced cancer but he died of cancer within 2 months and I am left in exactly the same situation as you. I get telephone calls and WhatsApp messages to prop me up, have no immediate family and life time friends are concentrating on their grandchildren with a random WhatsApp now and then - there is no strong love coming in from any direction and it hurts like mad as I am the one that is always there for others. I hate Bank Holidays - after the Ocado man has been today, my next social interaction will be next Tuesday. I wear a care watch all the time so at least, if I am able, I can summon help. Have saved up household jobs to fill my weekend, but I am weary from cancer and it is going to be so hot. I feel it is such a shame that we are all out there and could be so good for each other emotionally, no one understands what it feels like as we do - how do we connect to empathise? I am in East Cambridgeshire and would be happy to be your bereavement buddy.
Thankyou for your message, and it’s me apologising now as I’ve only just seen your message!
Tomorrow is Corals birthday, her first heavenly birthday so I know it’s going to be incredibly difficult. I’m trying to keep the day as normal as possible, I’m going to work, and I’m actually going to the crematorium tonight rather than tomorrow as it will be a lot cooler and quieter, and she really never celebrated birthdays, so I’m sure she’ll understand.
I hope you have had a peaceful day and managed to find some enjoyment.