Very well described. Thank you. You have outlined so clearly what is essentially an indescribable experience unless you are within it. It is a unique and isolating situation and essentially you are alone. I know people mean well, I have good, kind friends who probably are frightened and aware that at some stage they will find themselves in the club that none of us wanted to join. But you are right, you do eventually find the path that works for you, painful as that i. Reassuring to know there is understanding and compassion out there.
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Excellent wording of life after loss! My journey is exactly the same word for word!
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Thank you Jim. But donāt forget the crippling and paralysing anxiety that sucks the life out of you along with everything you have mentioned. X
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Most definitely Nel. X
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Hi, I too started a journal, wrote in it everyday for 14 months. I have re read the raw emotions, the mental and physical decline, the disappearance of āmeā and the emergence of someone so full of hatred for the world, I didnāt recognise that person at all. I have recently used some journal extracts and have just published a book. The book has gone on to help others, the hospice and fellow widows or folk going through life challenges. A significant amount has also been raised for the BHF (heart). For me doing this,was so cathartic, rewarding and restored the old āmeā again. The journal til now truly gave me an insight to my gradual progression of recovery
Take care
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Understand what you are saying. I just wanted to help others in highlighting true raw feelings were of the norm for some initially. I wish I had read a book like mine at the beginning. I am a very positive person who choose very early to give myself another very good life - too young not to. I refuse to be the 2nd victim, its simply not fair on my children to āloseā 2 parents. You re right, they have their lives , their plans did not change. I want them to live that life fully and not worry about me. My life is now good, I carry memories with me, but I really do live and not just survive.
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Dear Jim
You are so spot on with everything you say It has been seven months since I lost my soulmate and his birthday just past so very difficult
It does feel like a treadmill keeping going my old life is getting further away and I do not like it but you have no option but to carry on unless you have been there no one understands Keep on going
Thank you Jim your input has helped greatly
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This is exactly how I have been feeling it is coming up a year now! I donāt know if I expected magically everything to get better but it doesnāt not yet anyway! My sons mental health from loosing his dad is something no 13 year old should have to go through and my daughter trying to be strong for everyone at 15. Everything just feels so bloody pointless but I hope one day there is light again! Love to all of you who are grieving it is exhausting.
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Itās exactly 1 year since my husband died after 50 years together. I am surviving, just. I live alone and the house is so very quiet without him. I miss his silly jokes, his kindness and his love. People say it gets easier. Maybe. But I think we just learn to live with it.
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I am going through it myself, I lost my mum on the 3rd March 2020 after she suffered from a massive stroke and never regained consciousness.
As it is coming upto 2 years I just feel so depressed and down as I am still missing her massively. I am just sat in my flat all alone and have no one close by to talk to and due to my medical conditions I am unable to work. So most of the time I am just sat in my flat all alone and just getting so fed up with it all, I am now 56 years old.
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Hey Jim, you just wrote exactly how I am feeling. It has been a year and a half since my husband died and I swear the second year has been harder than the first. I am just going through the motions, treading water, marking time with no joy or happiness and none on the horizon. My future is bleak but I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Feel half alive. Unless you have lost the person you love most in the world you cannot even imagine how we feel.
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Jim, you have written for all of us, however long , mine was a few happy years but finding someone to be so close to is precious, I think it is what we all ultimately want in life, so it hurts so much when taken away, we have to find the strength to get through but I will never regret feeling those things
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Singing off the same hymn sheet Jim it really is just a bumpy road to be on, the one called āgriefāā¦
I miss my husband Steve so very much & think of him every hour of every day & in the middle of the night as well, yes my sleep pattern is shot to pieces as well.
Iām now past the second anniversary of losing my man & yes my road has had some twists & turns but I am trying to live the life I have, for the both of us & sometimes I step out of my comfort zone & grab life & just live! Iām dusting off my passport very soon to actually go on a āproper holidayā itāll be very different without him by my side. He will be with me in spirit & always in my heart. Memories live on forever. Life sure isnāt a dress rehearsal & none of know when we will be reunited with our loved ones again. So until then we must look after ourselves the best we can. Itās what our partners would want us to do.
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I remember people saying sorry for youāre loss and I heard myself apologise itās ok Iād say when Iād be screaming inside itās not ok Iām not sorry Iām sad Iām so sad my heart is broken forever
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Jim you captured everything in your post right up to messing up your sleeping pattern and living with the gaping hole that you carry around with you. 6 years on and I think you learn to live with the pain but nothing is the same.
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Reading all your replies to my original post. Tells me one thing. It seems it doesnāt really matter whom we loose, a parent, a child or a partner, brother/sister. The impact felt is the same for all of us. Without sounding dismissive. We all assume that our own pain is worse than other peopleās. The answer to that is. Of coarse itās worse. Simply because we canāt feel other peopleās pain. We can sympathize. But itās impossible to feel someone elseās grief.
In my case it was my son I lost. 24yrd. He was an only child. We had an incredible relationship. We had always been best friends. I was a very hands on dad. From the day he was born he was my everything. We were more like equals rather than father and son. I was always so proud of him. His death came so out of the blue. It was so fast. So shocking. He had landed himself a good job in London. We live in Manchester. He was really going places. He crashed his company car. Died of head injury. The impact itās had on our lives canāt be quantified. The last 6 n half years have been a massive learning curve. Learning to adjust to life without him. Learning to live a life not being a dad anymore. It was the best job I ever had. But I was relieved of my duties. It hurts in ways I canāt even begin to explain. The first couple of years. I lost the ability to function as a human being. Your whole body works out of sync with everything and everybody. Sometimes whole weeks would pass and youād have no recollection of anything. Other times a day would be like a trek across the desert. Itās a bit like putting all your emotions and feelings in a bag ,shaking it up and tipping them out. There is no rhyme or reason as to how you are meant to feel at any given moment.
People in their wisdom try to tell you all manner of things that they think will help or that they think you should be feeling. āGet the 1st year out of the wayā. " Once youāve done the 1st Christmas./ Birthday/ deathday". " Get the funeral out of the way". Or. " You,ll meet someone else" what ever it is they say is irrelevant you can only heal as fast as your mind will let you. The one thing I do know for sure it definitely alters who you are,who you once were. For those of you that are still in the first throws of greif. 6 n half years down the line I still think about him everyday. It effects me on so many levels. I see other people with there kids regardless of age and I basically have to shut that part of my brain down. If I go on Facebook most people have profile pics of Thier kids or grandkids. I skip past them as it hurts to much thinking what could of been.
The list of trigger points is endless. If I stop and think long enough I can still bring myself down with overwhelming guilt. The trick is to try and sidetrack yourself. In the beginning it didnāt matter what time it was, the middle of the day. The middle of the night. At work. Home. The supermarket. In others company. Greif would suddenly jump on you and reduce you to a sodden mess. It can still do that now if I let it. But Iāve got more control now. A lot more control. There are days I miss him so much I just want to die. But my mind controlled me in the beginning. I control my mind now. Donāt mean that in a yoga/ zen monk type way. I mean Iāve got a better grip on things. Itās taken me a long long time to get hear. Donāt get me wrong the pain is always there. That never leaves. In the beginning when you carry that big hole around with you and your fear is one day you will fall into the hole and disappear. Now I carry the hole around but Iām in charge of it!! and not the other way around.
Thereās a strange part of you when you loose someone. Regardless of how much time has past your brain still convinces you that they are still out there somewhere in one form or another. That they can see what you are doing. In your minds eye you look to them for approval. Or if you achieve something. A new job. Or a new car. Or a holiday. Whatever it is. You are thinking. If they could see me now.!!! I think we try to convince ourselves that they have to be able to see and feel everything we do or say. Itās a coping mechanism. Ok. Think Iāve rambled on enough now. Itās obviously 4am, while writing this. Why wouldnāt it be. Who needs sleep anyway 
. Thanks for listening
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Hi Jim
i have read your post and have to say, that it may seem that people are just carrying on without any problems or sadness in their lives. but the truth is that they like myself may be simply going through the motions , then when a loved 1 passes away
We simply for several months, go into autopilot , which helps us to function, but also puts us in a different world and enables us to to cope. but we are virtually numb in our whole being and going through the motions so that we can cope with the loss and shock of everything happening . best wishes, keith the poet man
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Hi Jim
I am with you on every aspect of your grief. I lost my brother (at age 25) I was like a mum to him as our mum was working and being the older sister the maternal instincts kick in. As a family we all dealt with it different. my dad pretending he was on holiday (that lasted a few months) until reality hit. My mum who is now 90 said a light went out in her world. Losing somebody you love does change you in every level. I feel sorry for people knowing that they havenāt lost somebody thinking what pain they have to come. I lost my wonderful husband after nearly 40 years together we had been together from 17years of age and the grief was immense and still is immense. My only solace I write a journal and tell him an update of whatās happening but I feel. At his age of. 59 we were cheated of having time to ourselves after raising a family and working hard. Nothing and no words help the pain as you say we just plod on getting through. I am 6 years down the line since losing my hubby and 34 years ago I lost my young brother and lots of days it feels fresh as if it just happened. Whatās it alll about we say but we donāt know the answer. Good days and bad days I hope your good days eventually outway the bad. Thinking of you.
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Thankyou for these words, they have helped, sending love to all 
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Hi Looby-I am so sorry for your losses. I related to the tragic death of a sibling. I lost my little Sister to dreaded cancer. Like you I practically raised her, because our parents both had careers. We were sisters, best friends & soul mates, and used to laugh about growing old together. I am not married, so cannot imagine what you are going through since losing your husband. However since I lost my sweet Sister, I now feel I am reliving the death of my Mum 10 years ago. It is said each new loss compounds the ones before it, and we grieve them all over again. How much pain can one endure? Take care. Xxx
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