Hi all. Would just like to put this out there. Reading through a lot of posts on here and also suffering a loss myself. The general feel of things is . You are getting on with your everyday life. Doing all the normal stuff. Going to work. Cooking, cleaning, looking after your family. Holidays, nights out, catching up with old friends. Chatting to the neighbours. All the usual stuff. Then one day it all changes. You loose someone very close. From that moment on your whole world changes. The world has stopped revolving just long enough for you to step off and arrive in a destination that you know absolutely nothing about. You find yourself lost and afraid and alone. Every single part of your existence has changed. You can no longer recognize all the things you took for granted. It feels like everyone around you has changed. People no longer ring you or speak to you. Friends disappear. People stare at you. You feel like you are walking round with a gaping hole beside you. You begin to pick up on everyone else’s behavior. Little remarks that before would mean nothing now become amplified to the point of making you question yourself. Your appetite leaves you. Time becomes irrelevant. Your " get up and go" has got up and left. You know longer feel like part of society. You feel unable to do All things that you once did without thought. You are filled with anger, or guilt or complete sadness. Each days seems to last for week, everything becomes completely meaningless. If any one does speak to you. You get angry if they don’t mention your loss. If they do mention your loss, inside you are thinking. " You haven’t got a clue how I’m feeling". The person you lost. Do you throw their clothes away? Do you keep them ? How do you carry on doing things you only did together. Your brain won’t let you except that they are gone. You are forever seeking Thier approval even though they aren’t hear anymore. You set the table for two instead of one. And so it goes on and on. Alot of people on this site are in the very early stages of grief. It’s all consuming, you feel you are drowning, nothing or nobody helps. You just can’t see an end to the absolute hell that has enveloped you. People tell you " it gets better with time, or time is a great healer. In reality what really happens is your mind starts to heal itself. It never goes away. Your loss will always follow you around regardless of time. But one day you will realize that the world stopped for a second time just long enough for you to jump back on again. You will be different. Your life will be different. Everyone around you will be different. But one day you will suddenly realize that you’ve managed to start taking care of yourself again. You might move in different circles from what you used to do. You will never ever get over your loss. And to be quite frank why would you want to. You cant simply erase someone that was part of you. Yes there will always be days that will reduce you to a jibbering wreck. But is that not a sign of the impact that this absolute giant in your life meant to you. As the weeks roll into months and finally into years. You begin to heal yourself. The gaping hole that you carry round with you becomes manageable. You can cloak it most days, it’s always going to be there but you can eventually handle it better. The one thing I do know is . It’s different for everyone but we are all trudging the same road some will get Thier quicker some will get Thier slower. It’s not a race YOUR journey will take as long as it takes. And people who assume that you should of " moved on" by now. Well, we don’t need to take any notice of those people. One day they will have to take this journey and only then will they understand. Ok thanks for listening it’s 5.30am and I’m off to bed. Oh yeah that’s another thing. It buggers your sleep pattern up aswell x
Hi Jim, you have captured my journey and probably everybody else’s journey exactly, thank you Jude xx
Very well put. My journey as well.
That’s so beautifully put, it’s a lonely journey and the feeling that the whole landscape has changed everything even the people around you, I’m on a train processing all this pain thank goodness for the other people on this train who share their thoughts and feelings otherwise it is a truly lonely place I know that when I arrive and I have no idea when that will be it will be arriving in a different country one I have never visited before thank you so much for writing this
You have captured my life completely x
Spot on @Jim10 but also thank you for the sliver of hope too that it becomes ‘bearable’ x
Take care of yourself,
Thank you Jim for taking the time to share this meaningful post. This grief journey is long & arduous and the terrain is rough and treacherous. When she died my world went dim, and I am stumbling in the dark, afraid to fall lest I never get up.
I am with you on your feelings, I have just posted in right or wrong thread. I don’t sleep well at all. Last week I was awake 36hrs straight did all my ironing whilst resting due to my spinal injuries from police service years ago.
Minutes to hours, hours to days.
Like most I think it’s nights that get me. She used to try and comfort me in my chronic pain by stroking my neck and back. Morphine and other meds don’t have the desired effect as much as a partner.
Always as ever “time will heal”, how much time does a person "heal "
Your post was wonderful, and as the others say you have captured grief and loss wonderfully.
I can see where I am on this journey, even though I’m just coming to the 10th week. I seem to be hitting the pointlessness of things at the moment. You know, where you just fill your days so you are so exhausted on a night you hope r can fall asleep. Then the complete wave of how awful it is not being able to share these everyday things with your loved one starts to hit again, but this time it feels even harder because your brain is starting to compute the long term realisation that your loss is a permanent thing.
Then, because for others several weeks of normal everyday time has flown by, the comments and looks, or eyes rolls, start coming because for them what has been weeks or months is for you monotonous dragging on hours… Everything is still so fresh.
This is exactly where I am. I know what you say will eventually happen one day but right now, in my head, it won’t compute. It’s like my brain is screaming at my logical side and blinds me to the possibility that one day this could possibly be any less painful than it is right now.
I’m due back at work at the end of the month and on a good day I feel it might be a good thing to give me some structure and distraction from my head, but the other side of me is dreading it, the anxiety of breaking down on front of my colleagues or students, the aniety of how I will react the first time someone gives me one of those horrendous comments… dreading it
Nearly 2 years in May .Somedays I feel quite insane other days really knackered .But I am moving on but he is coming with me .Im trying to live life for us both not easy .Thank you for so eloquently expessing what we all feel .Take care lots of hugs
Wow, I have found this so helpful - thank you so, so much. I am going to save it and keep rereading it.
Sometimes other’s words really resonate.
Thank you for sharing your insight.
Hi Jim 10
Thank you for the post it sums my life at the moment
100% correct take care
That is completely where I am,my son went 7 weeks ago and my life just seems to have stopped,I can’t seem to function and the thought of having to go anywhere fills me with dread. I stay home and stay in my own head but I’m trying to sort myself out. Thankyou for sharing this,I’m not alone in all thos grief and thays good to know.
Absolutely spot on in your description. Thanks for posting xx
I’m at the beginning of this journey 6 months in snd still replaying it over and over in my head. Desperate to get a grip and pinning all my hopes on the counselling I’m starting this coming Monday. I don’t recognise myself at all anymore
I truly wish you every success in your counselling. Anything that will help you can only be good. Don’t let anyone say " I know how you feel ", it’s so so different for everyone.
I cried and cried and cried till there was nothing left. I miss my wife terribly, but nature took her away and we just couldn’t argue against it. We knew what was happening and out of control. She got what she ultimately wanted and that was to die at home.
My wishes to you
Really needed to read your post today…What you have written just encapsulates everything from start to finish
Thank you for all your comments. I was sat downstairs in the middle of the night and just wrote down what I felt. If it a helped any one however slight then I’m more than happy. It’s a horrible horrible thing that everyone on this site has to endure.
Hi jim10, thank you so much, you have summed everything up so perfectly, descibed all the things I am going through and given me hope that maybe I will be able to survive this hell and some how keep going x