Hi all, very new here, I’m not sure if it is for Me but I’ll give it a try.
I have recently suddenly lost the 3 most important men in my life. My hubby August 21st then my Dad in January 3rd and finally my hubbys Dad January 21st. My mum my mother in law and myself are all widows together now and quite honestly I simply don’t know how I’ve stayed upright for the last 6 months.
I know grief is the most common thing in the world and we all have to face it at some point in our lives but quite honestly my mind is a jumble on who to grieve for first. I woke up beside hubby because he had stopped snoring and he simply stopped breathing… no gasp no movement nothing… just gone. My Dad has been looked after by mum for 10 years with vascular dementia and he was doing great until he started having nose bleeds, and his nostril started to swell, he was diagnosed November 3rd with an aggressive nasal cancer and he died in the hospice on January 3rd my father in law called me just before my dad passed away to tell me had just been diagnosed with bowel cancer which had spread to his liver & spine they gave him 6 months… 2 weeks later he died in his armchair. I am finally going back to work on the 27th February I would love to be able to stay home and be available constantly for my mum and my daughter but I also need to get into this new ‘normal’ and I’m scared I’m not going to cope, I haven’t even began to grieve and I don’t think I ever will. Dan was my soulmate Dad was my best friend & Paul ( Dans dad) was my other soul dad all beautiful people. Dan was a senior mental health nurse for 26 years he caught covid in March 2020 on his ward and ended up on life support in Papworth for 5 weeks when he woke he was left permanently disabled he has oxygen, nerve damage paralysis in his foot, kidney failure, partially sighted the list goes on but he was still Dan and he was doing so well he was about to be pensioned off from the NHS we had just bought our first home together and booked our wedding venue ( I already changed my name to his and I now wear my wedding ring hence he IS my hubby in my eyes)
Anyway… thank you for reading my rant love to you all x
I am so sorry for your loss my dad got covid and became ill afterthat had to have oxygen in the houes they told us he had 12 month to live then he died 12month after they told us two year ago not sure how to gey over it just lost my mother law on monday to cancer
Oh after reading your post I feel like sending u a big hug through here. I can’t imagine what u are going through so many deaths I’m so sorry to hear all of this. The only thing I can say from my point of view is, one day at a time and if not that then one hour at a time. Everything that u feel is right let yourself have those moments and when you want to cry, cry. Some days I feel like I can take on the world and then others I want to hide away but each day have to get up and carry on.
My Dad was the main figure in my life and now I feel just like an orphan like I have no one. Coming on here and speaking with others has made me feel like I am normal and others are going through similar situations to me.
I wish you strength and positive vibes to get through. Like you say everyone does go through it but we don’t like to talk about death or grief and we should normalise it more.
Thank you so much to both of you that have replied.
It is such a tough one with my dad he wasn’t the same man for a good 6 years and didn’t seem to remember me much but I do know we still made each other laugh, like proper belly laughs and I miss that so much, I also believe he waited for me to hurry back to the hospice as I had popped back to get his clothes I knew he would want after he died, he was ready to go but my mum and my cousin told him I was on my way back and he settled down then about 20 minutes after I got back he opened his eyes and I held him and talked into his ear and told him not up be afraid that he wasn’t going far and we will all be together again soon and that I loved him so much, I carried on talking after his last breath it was very peaceful but so horrendously emotional. I didn’t have that with hubby, I didn’t get to say goodbye it was so sudden but I find comfort that he was next to me he was comfortable and where he would have wanted to be, I didn’t go upstairs to see him after they came down to tell me he was gone and I stayed in the garden when they took him away, in my head I felt that if I didn’t see him leave then he hasn’t left me. We had a direct cremation for him as we are not religious and it wasn’t long before he died we spoke about it all and agreed we didn’t really want anything, it was a new experience for everyone but wow we found it so much easier to cope with, 2 months later we had a massive celebration of his life at home with food and drink and family and friends we watched videos and photos of him on the tv and played his favourite music thru the Alexa mum and I made up orders of service filled with memories of him and stories from so many people it was a heartwarming day.
Dads funeral was already paid for and although it was a lovely service with a celebrant they did mess up the orders of service which broke my heart because the forgot to print my poem to Dad and got names wrong etc so we didn’t have to pay for them.
My father in law also had a direct cremation and we are travelling down to Eastbourne in a couple of weeks where they live for a celebration of his life.
It is so true you do feel like an orphan even though I still have mum!
I’m currently spending one night at home and one night with her, she is slowly getting used to being on her own it must be so hard after 60 years together and she still forgets she can now go wherever she likes ( dad was completely housebound as he had osteoporosis and could not walk, she did a fantastic job of looking after him and if it wasn’t for the cancer I swear he would have outlived us all Bless him. But dad would want her to live now which is what I am encouraging. As for myself I need to get used to being without my left had man by my side, Dan was so wise and smart, he was the only person who could calm me down we never argued not once ( kind of annoying lol) I talk to him a lot I’ve had a teddy made out of one of his jumpers and a pillowcase out of his favourite slouchies. My bedroom is a shrine to him I have battery candles all over the house I don’t ever want anyone else.
I wish you both peace throughout this awful time it is actually good to talk with people in the same place as myself as it gets so lonely even though I have so much love & support around me it’s not the same.
My daughter is struggling also she is 19 Dan was her step dad but the best dad she could ever have she has now lost her dad and both grandads 
but she is a quiet girl and is grieving in her own way but I still worry.
Anyway once again I’m typing for England it is about all of us not Just me and I truly thank you for replying and making me feel welcome.
Xx
Hiya, I’m so sorry that you find yourself here. But I’m sure being able to share and to read about the experiences of others will help. Its helped me no end. My gorgeous Alan died just before Christmas. It was a similar situation to yours. No symptoms, no warning. There one moment and gone the next. And all of our future plans went with him. We had our wedding booked for next November and cancelling that was just heartbreaking. I’ve been thinking about changing my name too. He always called me ‘Mrs R’ and I always refer to him as my husband so it’s something to seriously consider. Interestingly, Alan also had COVID and spent several weeks in hospital/rehab. Losing your dad and father in law as well is absolutely brutal. My dad died just before lockdown but he had dementia and I feel like we lost him long before that. My beautiful, vivacious mum died when I was 19 so losing my dad made me feel like an orphan. I don’t have any other family except my lovely son who is a superstar and, even though he is grieving for his stepdad, he pretty much carried me in the early days. And kind friends.
Good luck with your return to work. I went back a couple of weeks ago and I was dreading it. How I actually got through the door and to my desk I honestly don’t know but it was definitely the best thing. It gave me a routine again and tired me out which helped with the not sleeping!
As I said before, sharing on here is a really positive step but if you’d like to just chat please feel free to message me anytime. Take care x
Thank you for your message
I am so sorry for your loss and to lose your mum at such a young age must have been unimaginably hard for you.
I also feel as though I had already said goodbye to my Dad many years ago he wasn’t the same person except when I managed to get him to belly laugh lol.
I start work this evening I deliver meds to care homes for boots including Sue Ryder in chantry park! Been with boots for 12 years and I love it, I love the people I work with and the people I meet along the way I am very lucky. But going back to work kind of feels like a betrayal to hubby Dan like I’m just moving on and forgetting about him, I know what he’d say, “ Christ babe life goes on, go enjoy yourself I’m fine!” It’s just the thought of no longer driving home from work knowing he’s waiting for me, so I can waffle away and tell him about my day. It’s not going to be normal for me but it is going to be a NEW normal that I’ll have to get used to.
Love to all I look forward to reading more about everyone thank you x