The loss of a child

There is no pain,
No pain in this world,
like no other
Than to take a child before it’s Mother.

Hello All,
Well I have put myself right back to square 1. On the 9th December it will be 1 year without my Sam. Today I met my friend for a coffee and she started saying how expensive it all was and how they now but for the grandchildren and just a token gift for all the sons and daughters. What an idiot I started to say about we have the 4 boys to buy for…and then couldn’t speak because now there is only 3. So so foolish. Can’t seem to stop crying now.

With love Helen

Hello Helen,
Its so easy to cry at the moment I feel so touchy and seem to get realy annoyed at people saying the wrong things I know its not there fault they are all getting ready for xmas.i have just started to pack the cases for Garda, as it gives me something to do as this is the time Dawn went into hospital and I am reliving every minute of it,so off to the doctors totry and get and get some sleeping tablets to get through the worst weeks… love Maddie x

Oh Maddie,
It’s awful isn’t it, but it was me that said I have 4 boys, today I realised I still have 4 boys, Sam and his elder brother Geraint, and John’s two Lee and Wayne. Although there will only be 3 to buy presents for, I have bought a glass snowman marked with Sam on it and I will put it on the Christmas tree and the angel I also bought on his tree outside. Because last year we had Christmas early and I did a dinner for everyone I also put up the tree, so somehow I will again this year because of the grandchildren.

Maddie, I understand exactly how you feel, Sam died on the 9th, which was a Friday he fell into a coma on the Thursday morning. We had Christmas on the Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday he was absolutely fantastic as though there was nothing wrong at all. It frightens me where the year has gone, although in another way I know I’m a year nearer to seeing Sam again. I hope you and your husband can find some peace in Lake Garda, and also enjoy as best you can the scenery, please remember that Dawn is with you all the time, and if she was anything like Sam she would want you to enjoy going there and looking at everything so she can see through your eyes. Like Sam with me Dawn will forever be locked inside your heart, and you will love her always.

With all my love Helen

I know how the thought of the approaching anniversary takes over your every thought. So overwhelming and sad. Feelings of panic and fright. The memories of everything going round in your head. (Not that these leave you anytime) It feels as though you’ve completely lost control. Only those who’ve suffered this loss can understand. Such people on this site being able to share thoughts, has helped me to somehow cope. I don’t feel so “alone”. I do wish I had never had a reason to use it, oh how I do wish that! But I am grateful for the support it gives. You are all in my thoughts.

Look for me in Rainbows.

Time for me to go now, I won’t say goodbye
Look for me in rainbows way up in the sky
In the morning sunrise when all the world is new
Just look for me and love me, the way I loved you too.

Time for me to leave you, I won’t say goodbye
Look for me in rainbows high up in the sky
In the evening sunset, when all the day is through
Just look for me and love me, and I’ll be close to you.

Hello Bir

What lovely words, and so true I know that Sam is close to me he didn’t say goodbye but as he slipped into a coma I said I love you Sam which is what I have always said to both my boys and he replied very very faintly love you too. It hurts to know that a year all bar a few days has slipped by…and yet I know I will see Sam again, I may not be religious but somehow I know just as I know I can feel him here with me.

Bir that is such a lovely poem we go to Cornwall in a few days I just don’t want to be here on the 9th.

with love Helen

Dear Helen, family
There are no words to say for the up coming anniversary of your darling Sam, except my husband and I will be thinking of you and what you will be going through and just hope you can find some peace, to get through the following year. The 9th last year was also the day we were given the devastating news that Dawn only had about 2 days to live, also its the anniversary when I lost my dad back in 1972 I was carrying Sarah my oyher daughter. But our thoughts will be with you… Love Maddie and John xxxx

Hi Maddie,
Thank you both so much, it’s going to be hard I know, but Sam keeps talking to me in my head and saying it’s a date mum that’s all…something he would say. Like he used to say about Marmaduke (the kitten he bought for me) on my birthday April 2013 he used to say then I would say where’s Marmie as I wanted him in by about 5 and to be truthful I don’t let him out at night anyway especially now, “it’s a cat mum cats go out at night” We are going to Cornwall on Thursday with our closest friends, I have been sorting out the menu’s (I like cooking) so it has kept me busy. When Sam was still on chemo in 2013 we all went to Cornwall and he walked with us all the length of the Lizard so I shall do that again and scatter some ashes there. Have as best a time as you can at Lake Garda, and take Dawn with you and let her see it through your eyes, I find I cope by talking out loud to Sam and getting an answer back and I shall be talking all the way to him along the Lizard.

Lots of love to you both
Love Helen & John

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