Hello i lost my mum 2 years ago on the 21st September 2021 i find it very hard to cope with my partner doesnt understand what im going through even tho he lost his mum over 20 yrs ago so you think he would understand…and all i get is get over it and move on i dont get upset infont of him i go on my own and cry to myself which its quite alot i only have a day or 2 where im alright then the rest is feel down upset i dont know weather im going through depression or what ? I keep trying to pick myself up and then when i do im down again like i said i only have 1-2 days of feel ok …i dont know who i can turn to anymore
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Hiya Emmsybobs,
It’s very difficult when you have a partner who doesn’t totally understand or says things that are heartbreaking to listen to.There is no way you can move on just like that so please believe me when I say you are normal and experiencing the same feelings as I and many others on here feel.I often go on my own to cry as for me it’s my way of dealing with it.Its quite personal also to be alone for a while with grief and I feel close to my mum when I have a good cry or just a few tears on my own.You are doing what is normal.Grief is so personal and there is no right or wrong way to deal with it as we are all finding out.
In the beginning I felt like I couldn’t carry on without my mum and just wanted to go with her but I also knew that if my mum was still here and knew how I was feeling she would be so so cross with me for feeling like that. My mum was proud of me and for everything I achieved in life so I knew it was wrong of me to feel like that I am sure your mum was so proud of you also and would want you to carry on and have a fabulous life.
There are so many people on here who I am sure will respond to your posts and help you yo feel you are not alone at all.
Please feel free to post anytime or pm me if that helps.
Big hugs
Deborah x
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@Emmsybobs grief is a very hard and often lonely road to navigate. There are ways to help you get through the pain though so I would advise you to read as much as possible both online and in specific books. Looking through the posts on this forum is also very helpful as it shows that you aren’t alone. It’s so hard for you if your partner is not as understanding as you need. Try to find someone you can talk to about your feelings though or post on here. You’ll only be able to process it all if you can work through your emotions. There will be ups and downs along the way but eventually you’ll learn how to live with your loss. Best wishes xx
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Yes, definitely read books and you can Google loads online. I can’t mention names, but I’ve found vlogs on Youtube that really help talking about the afterlife and about souls in heaven. I think it brings me a lot of comfort.
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Hi Debbie sorry ive not been intouch ive hardly been intouch with any of my friends because ive been isolating myself from people it was my mums birthday on the 19th of march and i still get upset i dont know what to anymore it will be 3 yrs in September still feels like yesterday im sat here crying my heart out to you because im still feeling down and depressed and i still feel like i dont want to be here anymore everytime i still feel i want to kill myself and put the misery away then i can be with my mum.i still feel alone 
…i just dont know what to do 
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Hi Emma,
It was my birthday on the 19th of March also !
Have you tried speaking to your GP ? Its worth asking if there is anything that can help you.
Do you work?
Its a long horrible journey. Its 15 months for me and I feel down one day and up the next. Its going to be like that for ever I think. We just need to learn to live alongside grief the best we can. Not easy I know but we have to try. I know you are trying though.
Read the posts on here and I am sure they will help you . Post whenever you can and as often as you want. people will reply and support you. Everyone on here understands what you are going through. Am glad you have reached out and posted again. Well done. It takes a lot to reach out and you are doing so well.
Its ok to isolate. i have done the same. I will mix more with people when i feel able to but for now I just want to be at home. Nothing wrong with the way you are feeling ok Its normal to feel like you do.
Dry those tears lovely and make yourself a cuppa. Your mum wouldn’t want you feeling so down and depressed.
Whenever you feel very down think of a happy picture of your mum in your mind or a special time that the two of you had. When you feel teh saddest get up and do something to distract you. it works for me . I usually feel worse in the middle of teh night when i wake up thinking of mum so I quickly get up go downstairs and make a cuppa and watch tv quietly while my husband and son sleep. Yes i cry too but it passes and i soon feel so tired i go back to bed and drop off to sleep.
Plan small targets to do each day. Break the day into chunks eg morning, afternoon and night . Just aim to get through a morning then an afternoon and so on .
Plan one thing each day that is just for you. For example a 5 min walk somewhere , read for 5 minutes, soak in the bath, play some calming music (no words too painful) start a diary to your mum and write a few short sentences each day.
I find myself doing all sorts of jobs around the house at stupid hours just to distract myself when i feel at my worst. I have watered my plants, washed floors, ironed, read, watched tv, washed up, written lists of things to do for the next day, googled signs from loved ones (which is fascinating ) arranged flowers etc. All these help to keep my mind occupied whilst i go through bad times.
This site is also somewhere you could turn to when you feel alone as someone will reply and you will soon have a network of people who you will message. Its lovely to have people who understand so post post and post 24/7.
Love Deborah x
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@seychelles what a kind and compassionate response. I hope others find comfort in all the ideas you’ve shared. Everything written from the heart. Best wishes to you xx
Hi Rosiepink,
Thank you for your kind words. I sometimes read back my posts and think people will think I have lost the plot with what I have written. I just want to help if I can by suggesting the very simple things someone can do when they feel at their lowest and share what I have done to help me. It just takes so much courage to drag ourselves out of that pit when we fall into it. It’s the silliest smallest things that often gets us out of it.
When there’s no one to talk to, no counselling available and it’s the middle of the night we all have to find a way of coping for a few minutes to snap us out of the horrible grief times that hit us.
Each day is different isn’t it?
And whether it’s a week, month or years it still hits us. In the beginning but thought it would somehow stupidly be all ok in a year or two but I was so wrong.
Now I realise it’s here for life with me and I have to live alongside it.
Love to you
Deborah x
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@seychelles yes, you’re absolutely right the feelings really do ebb and flow, changing every day. Today I finally got to the end of my Executor duties and now I can close the black box file (great choice of colour!) on all the sadmin’. What a trial it has been… all the emotional turmoil and stress. All the details triggering huge waves of grief! I never imagined it would be such a hard job, but then I never imagined a life without my Mum…
So now another chapter in this grief is over and I’m moving forward, hoping I can keep learning how to live this different life. All I can do is keep going and remembering what my Mum would want me to do. Sending best wishes to you xx
Hi Rosiepink,
Snap!!! I m doing teh same. it has taken 15mths to get to this point but I didn’t want to do it straight away. I have just shared teh proceeds of mums house out and kept a little for final bills. Do you need to do anything after that. I am in teh process of the accountant dealing with the capital gains tax i need to pay. Do we have to inform HMRC to close teh executors account ? Apologies but this is all new to me
Sending love
Deborah x
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Hi, my understanding is that estates are assessed for inheritance tax within the probate system. I remember putting all the figures into the website when I applied for probate. However, my Mum’s estate wasn’t huge and she had a lifetime mortgage on her house and that took most of the proceeds…
I also had a very stressful investigation of her pension credit by the DWP to manage. After ten months and a lot of evidence gathering (bank statements and personal information) the assessment for pay back was a ridiculous amount, less than £200! It must have cost more in their time to investigate it. I’m just relieved it’s over as it all brought me so much emotional distress on behalf of my Mum. The house sale took a year and there were so many delays I was quite desperate, I thought it would never end. I’m not aware that anyone needs to be informed when it’s all over. I think the grant of probate is sufficient. I hope you soon reach a conclusion with your Executor duties. It feels like a weight off my shoulders now and I never want to ever do it again! Best wishes xx
Hi Rosiepink,
I had exactly the same with my mums pension and i was talking to a friend and she did too. It seems the norm to claim back what they had extra. It beggars belief !!!
My mum passed away 30th Dec 2022 and because it was Xmas they had paid her early for Xmas and New year. Instead of explaining that the DWP sent me a horrible letter last month can you believe 15 mths later to say I had received money i shouldn’t have for wait for it Jan 3rd to 23rd Jan 2023. I knew i hadn’t had mums pension for those dates as I would never dream of cashing it after she had passed, the letter was worded like i had stolen her money and that it could be classed as
fraud. I felt awful so after an investigation and mums bank getting involved and my solicitor sending them a letter they informed me they had paid her early because of the Christmas period. No apology in the letter at all. I couldn’t sleep for nights.
The amount was just £500. When i think mum started work at 14yrs and worked all her life and just lived on state pension i could scream.
I know they are just doing their job but they need someone to write their letters that has a little more empathy.
I have only just sold mums house. last week in fact, It fell through once.
I read somewhere we have to write to HMRC to inform them that the estate has been closed. I too went through probate but didnt need to pay inheritance tax. Mums estate was small too.
Anyway keep in touch
Deborah x
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@seychelles I know, the tone of the DWP letters… so threatening! They made it seem that my Mum had somehow misinformed them on her application for pension credit. I knew she would have done no such thing but I had to go through ten months of waiting for them to complete their investigation. Chasing them because they’re snowed under with all the ridiculous cases they’ve initiated, all a complete waste of time. I had to send all my Mum’s bank statements, I was so angry on her behalf and found it completely distressing, knowing all that personal information was going to be picked over by a stranger! Dreadful experience! Did you feel bad after the completion of the house sale? Initially I felt relieved until I realised it was the final physical thread to my Mum, the last connection. It has been two months now since it sold and I still haven’t got used to it. It’s so strange as I hated visiting the empty house and feeling the absence but then when I didn’t have to do it anymore I felt bereft. All these parts of grief that you can’t anticipate, it’s hard going isn’t it? Sending you best wishes xx
Hiya
I felt awful selling it and it was very traumatic for me . I kept it over a year but knew i had to sell it to settle the estate.
I only sold it a week ago and already i feel i have lost a limb bec i have nowhere to go now. Yes i feel relief but overwhelming sadness that i cant visit there anymore and its another link with mum gone.
Yes i felt threatened also. Saying legal action would be taken if i didnt pay teh money back I hadnt even cashed it in the first place
thank god its all sorted now.
Its very hard going coming to terms with it
Deborah x
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