The loss of my nan - 2 years ago

My nan was more like a second mother to me, throughout my whole life. I’d spend every weekend at her house throughout my childhood, she’d take me on holidays every year & look after me when I was sick.

When I grew older and had my daughter, she became a mother figure to my daughter as well, we’d go out places all the time, go out for dinner after school and again go on holidays all together. She was such a massive part of my life, she was my rock, she was always there for me through anything providing support. I’d speak to her almost every day. She was my nan, my rock, my best friend and another mother figure.

2 years ago, when she was 83, she had an operation for an aortic aneurysm. It was open surgery. She’d tried to talk to me loads about it before and I just didn’t really understand how serious it actually was. I thought she’d just have the op, spend some time in hospital then be back home. I was so naive. I didn’t really give her any support :cry: I thought she’d be okay.

She had the op which went ok and she was in ICU afterwards, but from there everything just went downhill and she needed to be on a ventilator for weeks, she developed pneumonia and kidney failure and then eventually developed ischemic bowel.
I spent every day for a month by her side. The doctors didn’t really know what to say, one minute they’d say she was dying, the next she was doing well. It was such a rollercoaster of emotions.

She managed to come off the ventilator eventually and so could talk to me again. I remember everything she said. She told me to be brave. I haven’t been. She told me that she’d want me there when she ‘goes’ if she’s awake when it happens. I wasn’t. I went to see her on a Thursday afternoon and she seemed slightly better, so I didn’t go on the Friday as I thought I’d have a day of rest as she seemed abit stronger and I’d go back and see her on Saturday. She passed on the Friday evening, the one day I didn’t go and see her. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for not being there holding her hand as she left.

The hospital called me soon after it happened and I went to the hospital to say a final goodbye. I’ll never forget the way she looked, just completely lifeless in the bed, she’d started to go cold and kind of stiff. I don’t know how I got through it. After that, everything was a blur. I had to sort everything, the death certificates, the funeral, her estate, selll her house and clear it all out completely. I was only 26, and had to do all of that myself. It all took a year to sort out completely, so 2019 was just completely based on all of that. I was grieving through it all, and my memory is so blurred, and I honestly don’t know how I done all of it.

I thought I would have started to move on now. But I haven’t really, I still think of her all the time, still miss her with every bone in my body. Still wish I could be with her. Still always think about that horrible month of her sickness.
Sometimes I feel stupid because it’s been just over 2 years and everyone around me has moved on and is over it and I’m still stuck here like this.
Anyway I just wanted to get that off of my chest… I don’t really have anyone I can talk too here who’d understand. Will I ever not miss her?

I’m so sorry for your loss.

You should never feel stupid for grieving. The timescale is irrelevant, if you miss someone you miss them. Fullstop.

I would also say that you can make yourself feel guilty about anything, even if you’ve no reason to. Grief and guilt seem inseparable. I lost my Mum 10 weeks ago and my brain keeps throwing up memories of things to make me feel guilty: things that I know my Mum would tell me not to feel guilty about and cuddle me and tell me not to be so daft.

All I can say is you’ve come to the right place for support. Take care.

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Thankyou for your reply.

I’m sorry for your loss, and I’m here if you need to talk.

Sophie x