Hi everyone ,
2 months ago my Nanna left us. She had been being assessed for dementia but my mam suspected something else was going on for a long while , suddenly she was admitted to hospital and it was very quickly found that in fact she had a stage 4 growth on her brain that had travelled from somewhere else in her body. My mam and aunty fought to bring her home as we knew the outcome wasnt good , she came home the next day and within 2 weeks she was gone , she caught pneumonia due to the suspected lung cancer and we cared for her at home , she died with my grandad laid by her side , I saw my family fall apart that day , she was the glue that held us all together 
life isnt the same and i doubt it ever will be , i havent grieved ive had a few bad days but i cant accept it , i just keep feeling like its a bad dream and ill wake up soon , i wake up every morning and i wait to know its over then reality hits , i sit and smell her pyjamas to feel close to her and I talk to her pictures, i am dead inside and I just want her back , im struggling as i dont feel safe in the world , i suffered trauma as a child and she was my safe person and my safe place and she always had my back , my granda is lost , my mam is absolutely lost also and im just here wondering why I cant process any of it, I know its only been 2 months , im afraid for the future and i miss her so very much , we got to say our goodbyes and i know were very blessed for that but I want her back! I look fine from the outside , im a pro at wearing a mask , but inside im scared and I feel so alone and the only person i really want is her , thank you for listening x