Single mum of an autistic child who was my world . My son Jack was 17 when he had a sudden cardiac arrest and it was like someone had just switched him off.
We were out for the day as it was his 17th birthday having the best time ever. (Went to the crystal maze experience in Manchester)
I’m struggling every day to pull myself out of this emotional drain (that’s how I described it .)
I’m angry all the time as how could this happen on his birthday with no warning or heart related health issues.
I’ve completely cut my self off from family and friends as I’m an emotional blackhole that just sucks the life out of the room and I don’t think that’s fair on anybody so I just stay away as I can even force myself to try look or be happy
My son would have been 21 this may, I miss his sound, his smell and the person I was before I lost him.
I’ve got to the point now where I feel I’m punishing myself somehow as I don’t believe I deserve a life without him.
Hello @Mand17,
I can see that you’re new to the community. I hope you find it to be a support to you, but I am so sorry for the loss of your son that brings you here.
You say you are feeling angry and you are punishing yourself. I wanted to share some sources of support that might help you right now.
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Child Bereavement UK support families with the loss of a child. They also support bereaved children. You can call their helpline on 0800 02 888 40.
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The Compassionate Friends support families who have lost a child of any age. You can call them on 0345 123 2304
Sue Ryder also has some resources which can help you cope with grief.
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Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
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Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
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Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
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Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Alex
Hi i get where your coming from completely so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son .i too lost ny sam two years on the 27th .yes our lifes changed forever .all the emotions our head is truly lost in time .this new way without our babys .is wrong on every level .this site has been my saving grace.everyone understands just come on and rant big hugs zoe 
Hi mand17. So sorry for your loss. I lost my 20 year old son last march on my birthday. He had dystonia a neurological condition he only developed in his early teens fine till then. No known cause. I slowly watched him slip away over 4 years. He also had autism. Ive also twin sons 29 woth autism. Grief can be so lonely at time’s. A part of me has gone aswell. Im on compassionate friends website thats really good aswell. Im struggling since my sons anniversary 1st year this March it suddenly all seems so real… totally drained all the time. We can only take one day at a time xxx