Woke up and bow up 5.40 am, had my usual first morning cry as i got out of bed and said over and over again, the mornings are the worst, the mornings are the worst as i could see down the hallway where i now always leave my Richards bedroom door open although i cant see into his room from my bedroom, just the reality that once again he is not inside his bedroom…Another lonely and empty day to get through and this is now my everyday reality…No time does not make it any easier, in-fact the longer this goes on is making it worse as Richard is not away from me for a week, a month, a few months, the longer it goes on the worse this is becoming for me the "i will never ever see Richard again, he will never walk through the back door carrying bags of shopping, I will never see his car in the car bay, i will never see him walk through the front door with our dog, now re-homed not too far away in a large home with another dog who looks just like the dog we lost within the first seven months of moving to this parkhome in Dorset after we had left our bricks and mortar house back in Bedfordshire due to my MS diagnoses same date my Richard died only four years apart…11 th April…This has become a very lonely and empty existence since the years we lived back home with our three fur-babies, now everyone has gone apart from me, this was not the way this was meant to be…
I am sure because of my sudden MS illness 2015 at age 64, because of our move from the house Richard loved and never wanted to move was the cause of his death as he once said to me not long before we moved from our Bedfordshire to Dorset parkhome ( big mistake on my part 0 he once said to me " he will just rot away…" well thismove was the starting of his health deterioration one after the other only we never knew of his open heart surgery that we were suddenly told about that he would need just before last Christmas we had no idea it was is heart, told we were dealing with COPD…
I still cant belive that since our move, he had been healthy up till then apart from being diabetic but all under control, i had soon lost our dog number three, now Richard has gone, three dogs and now Richard, once i had it all, all i ever needed, a lovely house in a nice village, Richard a partner and three gorgeous loves of my life dogs, there was nothing else i needed, Richard took care of everything, the bills, well just everything…where did this life go, how did it come to this…
Dear Jackie, I lost my place whilst listening to Daniel, thank you so much for putting the Youtube version of him singing “Here I am Lord”, this is one of my favourite hymns, it is so moving. I was transported back to the church where we were married, Stan was Church Warden there for quite a few years.
Hi Jackie
I agree that the morning are the worst. My mum had COPD and passed away at only 73 on 1st January. Each morning I get up knowing that when I walk downstairs I cannot now see whether she is in the kitchen or the living room. I keep hoping she will be there but I know she will not. Even though she had COPD and we knew it was a progressive disease, we just did not see the end near at all. We have only just moved into a new house and mum loved it. I feel robbed that she only got to enjoy it for 3 months. I am filled with regret but I know I cannot change any of that now. This journey is going to be so hard without mum. Even though she was struggling physically, getting around, back pain etc. She was still really good at giving her opinions and her advice was always right, even though she thought at times both my dad and myself were not listening to her, we were. The thoughts and the reality that I will never see her again is just tearing me up, not sure how I will ever move on and enjoy life again.
Barrie…
…yes initially it was COPD my Richard was diagnosed with but it later materialised just before the Christmas he died last year that it was his heart, he needed a heart valve replacement but before this operation could take place they needed to rectify his lack of iron, his anaemia…well he died suddenly before this operation that may have saved him took place…i can so sympathise with your moms situation re, her medical issue that sadly took away her life from not only you but also her hubby, your father…i cant even imagine how he must be coping…
I lost both my parents when i was 26 then 37, both parents were taken far too early, when in their early -mid 60’s, is their a right age for anyone to lose their life. I have always gone along with us older generation should go before our young…, sadly it doesn’t always go along this way…
Jackie and Barrie,
you have had more than your share of grief, I do understand, I had 3 people taken away from me within a short time. The worst bereavement was losing my husband, Stan, the other 2 are level pegging, my brother who was only 68 years old and my best friend of nearly 72 years. How I miss them too.
Blessings,
Mary x
Mary…
… it doesn’t help when they are all being taken one by one, before us, when we are finding we are the only one left now…this place is now becoming a very lonely and empty place…
jackie,
I agree with you, I believe that lonlieness is one of the worst things you can have, apart from terminal illness.
I do hope that you are feeling a bit better today,
Love,
Mary