This is a terrible time of year to lose someone – my parents died many years ago, but they both hung on until early spring, and although my grief was sharp, the days were lengthening and summer was coming and there was a sense of hope.
My husband died at the end of October, just over twelve weeks ago, the day before British Summer Time ended, plunging me into endless nights and winter storms. Christmas and New Year weren’t too bad (I was cheered by the thought that he’d missed Christmas because he hated it!). I had a house full of family, but when that tsunami swept out again, leaving a litter of Lego, abandoned jumpers and forgotten water bottles, January took its toll on me.
I’m fine during the daylight, but the night is dark and full of terrors. I don’t sleep. I lie awake – wide awake – until four or five in the morning, then wake at eight. I jump at every tiny noise in the house, every click or creak. I’ve lost that feeling of warm security that I had when he was alive. Even when he was ill, I still felt secure.
But this grimy, bleak month is nearly over, and the darkness starts fractionally later every evening.
And I’ve lost a load of weight, so there’s always the good news!
Totally empathise with you. Lost my husband 12 weeks ago. I now suffer with anxiety bordering on a panic attack. We have a storm heading our way and I am so anxious about any damage that might happen ( last storm nearly wrecked my garden). Let’s hope for both of us that things get better, I hate living in fear.
I lost Carol 9 weeks ago.
I agree, it’s not just the trauma of their death but the strange emptiness of everything that is difficult to cope with.
Always having someone there one minute to deal with things together and then suddenly …
Take care x
I’ve just looked at your profile – how on earth are you coping? I had eighteen months of anticipatory grief, which I now realise has made things easier in some ways, but you had none of that. It’s also taking me time to process all the hospital and panic stuff at the end – sounds like you had this 100-fold.
Maybe that’s how these forums help. There’s always someone out there who’s having a much worse time. I’m just having trouble sleeping …
My partner of nearly 40 years passed away mid july. I feel everything you and the others on this thread are feeling. I spend 99% of my time alone. I fear everything, especially the future.
I lost my beloved husband 8 weeks ago to cancer, we had been together for 22 years and just celebrated our wedding anniversary on 19th October, now im all alone, the house is empty without him and things keep going wrong that he would normally do for us, im also not looking forward to the future without him as we had so many plans when we both retired
I understand exactly how you feel. I lost my husband of 57 years 3 months ago. It’s hard, I won’t try to sugar coat it. Like you I am anxious about little things going wrong that I am unable to fix. Sitting here listening to this latest storm worrying what damage is being done. Anxiety I am told is normal. I don’t even know what normal is any more, but what I will say is you will always be welcome on here and will never be alone.