I am so angry and there is no one i can tell right now. People are just so f-ing annoying!! I always thought that but when alone without my husband it is just even worse as I feel that I should try to make effort but honest to God except for you all I just find them intolerable!
Yesterday has a work meeting they wanted us to teambuild as two companies merged. So it was suddenly announced on the videocall of 80+ participants we had to say what was our “highlight of 2020”. I was trying to think about something work related I could lamely say without selling my soul too much but then the management started us off and it was personal things from their life. Eg. a vacation with their partner, their kids camping in the garden blah fking blah. Anyway then out of nowhere one swedish manager (who doesn’t know my husband died or anything about me as not from my area of the business) asked me directly by name to tell my answer.
I started shaking as could only think of my husband lying in front of me dead. Tried to think about castles instead. I knew my face was now giant on everyone’s screens and my eyes were tearing up. Most of these people I don’t know but will have to work with sometime.
I managed to stutter something about that my highlight was earlier in the year spending time with my husband and hiking (the answer the manager before me said near enough. I never say the word hiking normally). I didnt mention he’s now dead though was thinking about it. Tears started rolling and I said that’s it from mewholst I still had some voice. The screen showed back to the manager with her smile frozen in place and then they continued asking others around the world whilst I fumbled to switch off my mic and camera as quickly as possible before howling. I was shaking for a few hours after over such a small thing but was OK later.
Then today i was having a relatively good day (off work today, id woken up sad but forced myself out for 30 min walk in the sunshine and felt a lot better after).
I unclogged the washing machine, did a whole bunch of useful stuff from those enormous lists I have of stuff my husband would have done. I ate Dutch jam on toast which made me feel closer to him, doing his jobs and eating his jam.
I was hoovering the special rug we’d got last year when saw my mobile phone ringing on the charger table, picked it up and she said " Hi René, is that René?" and I realised it was his phone I’d put on to charge earlier (I do that most days and still pay monthly bill). I said “no… its his wife” and she asked to speak to him… I couldn’t say anything except “no hes dead”. Very rude to this poor woman who was mortified and apologetic so then I was apologising too for telling her like that and for him being dead… Had a little cry after she was off the phone then carried on with my jobs.
In my relatively chipper mood earlier I’d replied to several texts from people who were friends that I’d stopped texting due to them annoying me with insensitive comments that show they do not even try to understand what its like to lose your past present and future as so many of us have.
I’d told one that new neighbours finally moved in to two of the three empty houses next to/opposite mine (they’ve been empty years). a family in one and a man in the other. She responded “oh good is he fit?” with a wink face. This girl i knew since high school, she came to our wedding. I found it really offensive she thinks I’m single now when I’ve poured my heart out to her but she obviously isn’t listening. The other one similarly annoyed me with something about I’d be alright if I could get out but covid is making things hard for everyone (I have no desire at all for lockdown to end tbh) and I wished I’d not bothered with either. I have no real friends.
My mum and stepdad came over for a coffee. I didnt really want them to as they have to have the news on and I’m trying to avoid it (they always turn the telly on and switch to news channel, volume up upon arrival despite I’ve said several times i hate it and i told my mum the therapist even said I shouldn’t watch the news at the moment). After hardly seeing them for the past few weeks though I know they were worried so thought I better had do I can show them “I’m fine” and then they can relax.
anyway so I endured the loud news for an hour whilst trying to talk over it and not look/listen as I see their eyes going to the screen constantly. It was nice to see them at least. They were just going and at the door (I ask them not to make a fuss at the door as don’t want any passing scrotes, of which there are many here, to learn I’m on my own or anything else about this house). my mum stepped out and bellowed “don’t think you are alone because you’re not. I can come over anytime if you’re lonely. I can be here within an hour”. I whispered to her ok thanks but remember please don’t say things like that at the door… she carried on so I just slammed the door and ran in.
Then saw on my phone another text from an old work colleague who I didnt reply to asking if he’d upset me with too many kisses in his text. I don’t reply.
I used to be scared alone but now I am truly thinking hermitage is the way forward.
I also forgot about amazon. i don’t buy much now but decided to get some long handled hedge shears as I don’t have the reach of my husband (or his head for heights).
When the guy just delivered them just now (the final straw) he asked to see my passport or ID! I said can’t you just look at me and see im plainly over 18. He said yes he can see that but needs the passport… so I locked the door went and found it then gave it to him. He took a photo of it on his phone. After he left I felt terrible as I remembered this happened once before to my husband and he refused and told them to take back the parcel then if they insist on id (letting strangers photograph sensitive documents… they can use it for id theft). He’d also written a complaint to amazon about it.
I know my husband would be mad with me for doing that… blehhh
Thank you for sharing because now I know that it is not just me that feels like this. My sister-in-law texted me at the weekend. I had not heard from her or her husband (my husband’s brother) since early November. She listed all the excuses that she had not been in touch even though they are both on Facebook regularly posting how they cannot wait for the lockdown to end so that they can go on holiday and party with friends and hoped that I was ok. My son was not happy but I replied with all the things that have recently gone wrong in the house that I have had to deal with myself and told her life was s****. Her reply infuriated me even more. Needless to say have not heard back from her or my brother-in-law.
Like you I worry about being on my own. Petty crime appears to have increased during the lockdown and I do not want people to know my circumstances. My mother spent hours on the phone after my husband first died telling all sorts of people - some I had not seen in years and certainly did not want them to know that I was living on my own.
I have mixed feelings about lockdown easing. I think there will be people (like my sister-in-law) who think they can just drop by when actually I don’t want their definition of ‘comfort’. The final text told me to ‘be strong, my kids needed me’. As if I didn’t know that but also how can you be strong when you have lost the love of your life, the person you have been with for over 42 years.
I just so miss my husband so much. He was always here to reassure me. Also I leave work on Friday this week and it was supposed to be the start of our retirement years together and I have nothing.
Hi Sheila, I’m sorry you have the same experience but it has reassured me that you took time to reply and to hear the way your life is. Thank you for that.
It is so hard… I don’t know whether to congratulate you on your retirement or not as it is so bittersweet that you’ve got to retirement finally but then had what you were looking forward to taken off you. I’m sorry and I hope these last work days at least go as smoothly and well for you as possible. take care x
Thank you. It should have been fanfares and celebrations with all our plans ready to fulfil when able. I have been on sick leave since my husband’s death so just trying to come to terms with everything.
Sorry you find yourself in this place also. Take care.
@FleurDeLis what a crap meeting you were forced to attend, it is very difficult to think quickly on the spot when the most defining moment is one you are not going to blurt out in a meeting full of strangers. Sadly, unless someone has lost a partner, they have no idea of the emotional roller coaster you are going through. No one dares mention their name, when the one thing we want to hear is a story or antidote about them.
I hope you have a better day today.
Your husband was your calm in your storm… that is exactly it so perfectly said… I always flail around hot-headed and he was just an anchor making sense of this world. Now my storm is raging too and I’m blowing all around.
You’re right other people need lockdown to end. It’s hard for me not to be selfish as all I see is my husband and myself nowadays. Sometimes(like right now) o can be somewhat happy at home alone with monuments of our life all around me. Time keeps pushing me to a future I don’t want but it’s coming whether we like it or not isn’t it.
I had too much wine already probably as I was thinking about making our own version of Bullshi!t Bingo with points for those sayings people say to us. Maybe another day I’ll do that x
Take care and I hope you are not feeling too hopeless tonight all who read this (I am but also ok tonight).
people that haven’t gone through such a loss just don’t get it.
I feel I just want to self isolate as everyone living their normal life whilst mine has changed so drastically I just want time to stop .
The pain is unreal and you think what the hell has just happened to me as I sit in this lonly house that the 2 of us shared and had so many great times.
You think is this it the way it all ends how can all be ok one minute the next their just gone just like that wiped from the earth without warning all left behind them but them and looking at all the stuff makes me so sad and angry .
Just want to scream ok joke is over bring him back I know that will never happen that I can’t comprehend that I never see him psyically again on earth how is one meant to go forward .
Hi
Just told my sister to do one she keeps telling me time will get better for me
Really twats come to mind
Sorry can’t be doing with the idiots
Haven’t got a bloody clue
Then I get told I might get married again who knows really some people
Doesn’t matter I have lost my only person who I loved more than anything been with Andy 41 years from being 14 why would stupid people says these things xx
People are so thoughtless. A few weeks after Ian’s death a friend commented on my being young enough to lead a fulfilling life and perhaps finding someone new - the comments going through my head are unprintable. Not getting at anyone who is able to find love after such tragedy, but I have spent a lifetime with Ian (42 years, 38 married) and will spend the rest of my lifetime longing to be with Ian and only Ian.
Went out to the shops as the fridge is empty. All I kept seeing were other couples and motorbikes whizzing past. Needless to say cried all the way home and now sat crying.
Hopefully seeing our little grandson later this afternoon. I do not know what goes through his little head or what he thinks of me - he looks so much like his dad who himself is a clone of Ian that I have to confess I shed a few tears when I am holding him on occasions.
Hello
I was married for 37 years with Andy 41 years since I was 14
And like you all I want is Andy
I beg Andy everyday to help me go to him
I find my 2 grandsons to much Jayden is 5 in March
And looks talks and torments everyone just like Andy did
The sun shining and me and would off gone to see are oldest son
And on the way back sat in car eating fish and chips
What I would give for that
Take care xxx
Ian and me used to go every Wednesday straight from our son’s house to the fish and chip shop at the coast. We would sit in the car park eating them and Ian would look towards the coastal path and always say “one day we will get out and walk that path”. I have been back twice to the same spot - just breaks my heart as I can hear him say the same words.
Yes grandkids are a handful. Our little grandson is only 14 months. Ian did not get to see his first birthday or his first Christmas as home (he was in ICU for first 3 months of his little life). Ian was at the hospital every day for hours sitting watching him. He was out of hospital for two weeks before first lockdown. After parents returned to work we looked after him every day - so grateful that Ian got to spend time with him. Just like your Andy it is just so cruel that Ian was taken from us.
I can only manage one day at a time and plod on for our kids and grandson. The look on my son and daughter’s faces tells me they could not cope with another loss.