Hello. I am new to this. My beautiful mam passed away nearly two weeks ago. We have been together 60 years. Dad passed away 9 years ago. Since then it has been mam and me.
Mam was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s over two years ago. I was always there for her and we were constant companions from getting up to going to bed.
So apart from being there for mam and mam being there for me, I became mam’s 24/7carer. I truly loved helping mam and being devoted to her.
Nearly six weeks ago she was taken into the hospital. I was there from nine in the morning till seven, eight or nine in the evening ,every day. I hated leaving her overnight and was always rushing to see her in the morning. We sat and talked and I held her hand. She was in nearly three weeks. At the end of the second week they found she had a small bowel blockage. They tried several things to sort it, but not one of them worked. I spoke to the consultant who said he would not operate on mam because she was 82 years old and may not survive the anathestic. I virtually begged him, but to no avail.
He said the only thing they could do was make her comfortable and pain free. The palliative care team saw me and I said I would like mam home. They were very good and the day after, Friday the 13th of March, mam came home. She had oxygen, a NHS bed, daily visits from the district nurse and two carers visiting four times a day. I sat constantly at the side of her bed. To begin with, we had chats and it appeared just like usual. I was so glad to have her home.
As it moved into the coming week, mam started to deteriorate. The district nurses put a syringe tracker in her arm for pain and occasional anxiety. I sat most of the day ,every day. Holding her hand. Rubbing her hair and forehead. I used to do her mouthcare every morning. On Saturday the 21st of March, the district nurse came and said mam’s breathing was rapid and shallow. This was at 10.30am. I sat with mam. Holding her hand, talking to her and stroking her forehead. At 11.45am, her chest stopped rising and her head moved and she made a small noise in her throat. She had passed away.
It is nearly two weeks since then. I miss her so much. She was my life and my world and I cared for her so much. I cannot believe she has gone. I wake up and think I will go and get mam out of bed, but then I remember. We were always there for each other. I try to get through each day, but I am so upset and cannot stop crying. I cannot really see what my future will be without my beautiful mam.
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There are no words. I lost mine mum in December 25 . The pain comes and goes initially l felt l could not breath , my heart had been ripped out , no one knows what the pain is like u til they loose a parent . I am on antidepressants, but they are numbing my emotions, l have not took for a week now and starting to get very emotional i feel your pain . I find this forum very helpful knowing l am not alone .
Thank you for replying. I appreciate it. It is comforting to know that we aren’t alone. Sorry to hear about you losing your mum. It is difficult. My mam’s brother when he rings me on occasion tells me I must find something to move my life forward, but it only has been two weeks and we were together 60 years. I think when you are close to your mam, as we were, then sometimes some people don’t understand just how much sadness, emptiness and loneliness that we are going through. I send you all my best wishes and just hope that we can get some strength through support from people in the same situation.
I am 5 months on from the loss of my mother - I lived with her for 58 years, looked after her increasingly in her last few years, sat with her in hospital where they refused to operate saying she wouldn’t survive the anaesthetic and got her home to look after her through palliative care, had her for 2 months as she got progressively weaker but still had moments of fun and was with her when she died. We have been on a very similar road and I wish I could tell you it gets easier - I can say I do now have short periods (usually when busy at work) when I’m distracted and so not grieving. But it soon comes back. I talk to her all the time and when the weather allows I go for walks as a walk in the sun is one of the very few things that can make me feel a fraction better. My life as I knew it is changed forever and in due course I will need to think of what I’m going to make of the rest of it. I’m not ready for that yet- but I can also hear my mother saying words to the effect of I put a lot of care and work into giving you the best life possible and I must not waste that.
Stand by for the avalanche of sadmin - I find that so so hard but it’s got to be done and a bit at a time is the only way I cope.
Also, If you haven’t already, you will find some of the people you know understand how you’re feeling (usually because they’ve lost a parent themselves) and others simply won’t get it. It doesn’t make them bad people but it does mean they can’t relate to how you’re feeling and they can say crass things like “ you will soon find things to fill the void” - I still can’t quite believe they said that, but they meant well.
hang on in there, and I genuinely do mean take it one day at a time. It’s a cliche because it’s true, and if you try to think of the future it may overwhelm you. It certainly made me panic. So I focused on getting to tomorrow and then to the next day. Look after you Hugs J
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I’ve gone through the same thing with both my parents, 4 months apart. They were terminally ill for the whole of 2025.
Wasn’t living with them, but I was down the road so I was close by. Like you, I (and my sibling) would spend long hours every day with them, it was a juggling act as it was half-day with Dad, and then half-day with Mum. Early morning until late evening. At one point my Dad was sent to a different hospital, at opposite directions to my Mum’s hospice! Thankfully not for long, he got transferred locally after two weeks.
My Mum passed first, the same week my Dad got transferred to palliative care centre, then he passed 4 months after.
I think I’m still in a numb state of shock witnessing both parents take their last breath in a short space of time. Had to be focused and functional to do all the death admin for both, going through probate, etc.
At the moment, still need to maintain a sharp mind. Shortly after my Dad’s funeral, my partner unexpectedly took a sudden turn, and was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. So now, I’m doing all the same things as I did for both parents, the medical admin, phone calls, shopping, housework, errands, etc, spending nearly every day with him, until he goes.
So I’m still on high alert “first responder” mode! I’m sure when he goes, the grief for all THREE of them will hit me like a freight train.
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Thank you for your message. I don’t know what to make of life. I truly feel your sorrow and loss of both your parents so close together. So sorry to hear about your partner. I often think why is it that bad things happen to good people and they seem to get by in life. God bless and I send you all my best wishes. S
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Also, it’s very commendable that you spent every day with your Mum, and visited her every day.
It seems to be a rare thing (in my area anyway). At both my Mum’s hospice and my Dad’s care centre, and the hospital wards for both, there would only be three or four devoted others that visited their loved one every single day from morning to evening.
I was shocked at how many elderly/terminally ill people didn’t have a single visit, sometimes for weeks! I remember one poor woman sobbing her heart out, she had fallen down badly, her entire face was purple, but nobody came to visit her 
I hope you find solace in that you really did devote your life to making sure your Mum didn’t pass away alone, that you were there to comfort her throughout her life, and during her last moments.
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Thank you for replying. Our situations seem identical. When mam came home for palliative care I didn’t know what i envisaged, but i thought she’d be at home longer than 9 days. I seem to be getting worse, particularly yesterday and today so far. I talk to mam like you do. It does help. It sounds a bit daft, but I have a large picture on her chair. One taken a few months ago. Mam’s favourite perfume was Exclamation and I spray the chair with it and the aroma of it combined with her picture comfort me a bit.
I have been retired from teaching for the last 6 years. Five years officially and 1 unofficially. Mainly to help mam, but for me as well. We didn’t see anybody much except we had each other. People do say I need to do something, but it is only 2 weeks. All of my thoughts are with you too. It is difficult. Mam was the one even with her Alzheimer’s , who always asked if I was okay. When I dressed her on a morning, she put her head on my shoulder/ chest and said i love you Stephen and I always said I love you mam.
Your kind words really help. The poor lady that you mentioned. It really broke my heart reading it. Being there for mam when I think of it, I would not have wanted it any other way. I still look back and think I wish I could have spent more time with her, but I don’t know why I think like that because I was with her everyday and all day . It is lovely to be able to chat this way and I really thank you for taking the time to talk to me. All my kindest regards. Stephen
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Hello Stephen, You were a devoted son and did all you could for your Mum, putting the love you had into acts of love. Leaving teaching would have been a massive decision that you clearly took to be with your Mum. Mum and I lived together. It is different when you live with your Mum. 2 weeks is not long. I remember crying when I ate as I was so used to eating with Mum. I found ‘firsts’ hard. I still go into my Mum’s room and say good morning and talk to her. I found thinking of a future with Mum unbearable. I couldn’t bare entering a New Year without Mum. I took one day at a time. I now don’t try to think of the future but I try to enjoy things as they naturally happen. You will always love your Mum.
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Good evening and thank you for your reply. I really appreciate your kind words and support. What you say about your mam is the same with me. We always had our dinners and tea at the table. I try to do it now and set a place for mam. Like you, on a morning when I go into her bedroom to open the blinds I speak to her also. Like you, I speak to her pictures. At the moment when I wake up on a morning, I think I will help her out of bed as I always did. Knowing that I have people like you who are going through the same as me and managing in a way to cope for the future gives me hope too. Thank you again and I send you my best wishes for the future as well. Stephen