Please note that I am sharing my own story with my personal religious belief with the hope that with this painful account someone may be helped and comforted. I am fully aware that some will not agree with my views. I humbly ask you not to read if you are someone who thinks Biblical content is not to be shared. If you do decide to read then should you realise what I say is not in accordance with you views then please do not attack me but just do not comment and cause arguments. I have been advised by an admin that I am also allowed to share this way. Please believe me, I am sincerely seeking to help another by sharing here.
THE DREADED PLAYLIST
And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD. (Psalms 40:3)
There are times when we collect our favourite music and compile it all into one group of songs or playlist for convenience and ease of accessibility. Computers can make the use of playlists easier. By using playlists we can repeatedly play the same songs without even raising a finger.
During the months of dealing with Mandy’s cancer treatment, we developed a certain playlist of favourite music by various artists. This playlist consisted of at least over 100 songs in total and took some careful and thoughtful effort in selecting songs.
I have previously referred to the music that played in the background from a netbook that was on a chair inside of Mandy’s private ward. The music was actually from the playlist I am referring to here now. Eventually, as most would probably agree, after listening several times to a playlist one
develops a mental index of the sequence on the playlist and at the end of any song on the playlist they know which song comes next.
So it happened that the songs that played in sequence at the last moments of Mandy’s life inadvertently also left an indelible mark on my mind. Little did I imagine that even years later whenever I would play the songs from that playlist I would literally relive those moments again just as if they were happening again.
Several times I tried to be courageous and to revisit the songs again. But as long as I played the songs in the sequence that I created in 2009 then I remembered everything minute by minute as though it were happening again. Not only did I remember but I reacted bodily with mental pain to
the familiar sounds of the life support machines that were in the room that I heard the songs from. I felt the same stress and tension and tearfulness as back then. I also remembered which song was playing as I prayed. I remembered how, as she was now dying, Mandy was breathing at every point
of the songs that played. I remembered the rapid beeps from the machine that monitored her heartbeat as her heart weakened slower and slower to its final stop and the shrill of the long continuous sound that ensued.
The songs continued to play in the ward just as they had always done before. They marked the most painful time just after Mandy died and lay there still and lifeless. Thankfully the songs on the playlist, apart from a few, were not the most common ones. And I did not hear them at all ever since I did not play that playlist anymore.
I have an abundance of new songs that I play, sing along to and meditate upon. I do not need to hear the old playlist anymore as I do not want to remain re-living the stress of the moment of death. May it bring hope and comfort to someone to know that even sharing this memory now does not
cause me the pain it could have done years ago. I thank God for His power and performing the remarkable act of healing.
If you are hurting today please take courage and know that in His time and in a way unique to you, God will heal you too. Be blessed today.