The price of love

I have only been a member on here for a few days and read the heart-rending tales of people’s experiences of utter crushing loss. As with my own path now set before me I still wonder if I’m strong enough to carry on with my life. I know Sammy would be cross with me for saying that but grief and sorrow distort the mind. I pushed everyone away from me. I prefer to sit on my own with my 2 cats staring at something on TV… Apparently its not the healthy to bottle it up. Well as it stands at the moment I don’t really care.
Hand on heart I know Sammy would want me to try and help people any way I could. A crumb of support to someone may go along way to helping them. I think it’s the only thing I know how to do, is helping as much as I can. Because maybe in this myre I find myself, I too could reason the impossible, stranger things have happened.
But then do you stop and consider was the price we are paying now our loved ones are gone, was that price too high. Would I ever let myself become that devoted person again? Do I want this heart of mine to shatter again? I do know that given the chance to do it all again I’d have no hesitation, because the joy and love we all feel with our loved one eclipses anything. We just never realise that the piper is waiting patiently out of sight to take his payment out of our spirit.
But, I would do it again…

As heartbreaking and painful as it is, I would do it all again. I would give anything to have him back for a day, even though I know I would be going through all the pain again. I loved being part of a couple. I never felt restricted and I always felt secure and loved. That’s the thing that I find really hard to even think about - how do I get through life without that?

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Dear Mark

No hesitation I would do it all again. He was my best friend, soulmate, confidante my everything. I probably will be accused of pushing people away also but like yourself I don’t really care. I have tried to let people ‘help’ but it is just exhausting as the majority want to list off all the things they think I should be doing to ‘progress’. I have chosen to shrink my support down to just three and each one of these is prepared to just sit and listen, let me cry, speak about my husband and my loss.

The love for our kids and grandsons will of course continue but my husband was my one and only. There can be no other so I cannot devote myself to another person.

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Hello @Jules4 and @setantii. Yes - this awful grief is the price we pay for such love. Of course we would do it all over again. Like you Setantii I try to help others and be kind as it’s the way my lovely husband Mike always was. I try to make him proud of me but that is just so hard sometimes. We must keep taking just one day at a time and help each other on here . We do not need others to ‘fix’ us. We just want to be heard or to talk about the soulmate we have lost.
Love and light. x

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I completely understand. The only reasoning I can make is that I was Sammys’ full time carer for such a long time I’ve forgotten how to do anything else. Or maybe it brings me a little purpose to help again. I have always found its the little things that go along way to happiness. So if I can help anyone for 5 minutes and ease their sorrow then that’s a win for me, and maybe my own sanity, because sanity seems a little thin on the ground at the moment.

Husband always helped our elderly neighbour next door. She too is heartbroken at his loss. I have promised her that I will continue to do the jobs that my husband carried out for her to the best of my ability.

I have foolishly scrolled through some pictures and found a recording of me and husband. He is shouting my name as we laughed and joked. Now I am in tears. Life is just so unbearable.

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Oh God bless you, that would destroy me… Don’t get me wrong I’ve loads of pictures but to hear her voice. I would definitely lose what little plot is available to me…
The strangest things on this forum. People never cease to astound me in their strength. I suppose being on I can hide my true sorrow behind all the big words and paragraphs. But still grieve with everyone…
Prayers to you

I spent yesterday evening going through the voice notes my husband made. Most of them were just work notes but hearing his voice didn’t upset me, it just made me feel like he was right there. How can he not be coming back? My brain still can’t process that.

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I was looking through his picture folders to post a car part on Gumtree and stumbled on the family photos file. I can only hope that in future I can return to the recording and it will not send me into meltdown.

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Interesting how seeing and hearing our lost loves can affect us. I have recordings of my husband singing and I have never been able to listen without breaking down even after two years. Recently while messing about on the computer I went into his video files by mistake and there was my husband walking through the kitchen door with shopping and putting it on the table. It shook me. I had forgotten he had put up a camera to watch the dogs when we was out. There was also one of him sat in his chair and talking to me. I have played the video’s a few times now and it does bring some comfort and I can say good morning to him when I want to.
xxx

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Blessings and prayers to you x

I would definitely do it all again with pauline and I would make the most of every single second with her I look at pictures I have of her on my phone I also have a voice note which I listen to its nice to hear her voice though its sad too she sounds so full of life on the voice note

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true love is the only thing that makes life worthwhile and its sufferings less unbearable. Just cannot imagine anyone choose not to love to avoid the pain when it’s lost.
I still cannot look at her photos without feeling this excruciating pain. I’ve never thought that all our happy moments would one day cause such pain in me. I’m both happy and sad that we had plenty of these…
deep grief always comes with great love…

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The bitter sweet compromise. If when you were say 20 yrs old and someone asked you if you could love someone unconditionally and have the most fulfilling life and partnership you could ever imagine. BUT they would be taken from you without any proper warning and you would suffer the most agonising darkness ever of solitude and emptiness.
So the question of the day is, What would you do and why?!

if I’m in my 20s, I didn’t have good understanding of love and suffering…
I remember a Japanese movie where a young man asked her gf’s father to let her marry him. The Japanese way of doing this is to say ‘I’ll take good care of her and I will make sure she would lead a happy life’etc. Her father stopped him. He was a Sushi master who was widowed for many years. He told the young man ’ you don’t understand what your’er saying. You know not what is the price you would pay to truly love your wife. Just promise me 1 thing and I’d agree to give her to you,’ no matter what happens, stand by her and support her…’
I now know the meaning of that. Losing my soulmate is the most unbearable pain in my life. If I knew the true extend of that perhaps I would hesitate to say yes. But I must say the true love we had was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced.

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That movie is the encapsulation of my ramblings. (I know I ramble… Sorry). It does seem as we all get older our vision of what the future brings us all changes. That happiness and joy are the anchors of life we all hold and protect dearly.
It certainly makes people think. And I’m not trying to disgruntle or demean anyone at all, I was just putting it out there.
Blessings to you my friend x

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Something just occurred to me actually, would any of us want the ‘unknowing’ let’s say to understand the nature and pain we are all enduring. I have commented about people not understanding and off the cuff sorrys whizzing around.
But in essence would I be mean enough for them to feel the pain and sorrow we all welcome every day? An angry me would say let them have it, yet the real compassionate, helpful me wouldn’t want anyone to be scared… I think I’ll go with option no. 2 please…

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I think if everyone experienced the pain for just a few hours it might make us better equipped as a society to help and support people when they are bereaved. It is going to take someone with a very shirt or very charmed life to never suffer painful loss so everyone having an understanding may help collectively. Obviously, a few hours of pain and then it going cannot happen but in theory it would help. Sorry - I’m rambling too now…

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Hi I believe I would remain single.
If I knew then what I know now I dont know that the remaining time I have left on this earth is worth the 29 years of happiness. The emptyness sadness and longing for what is no more.
If you never had something you cant miss it but once youve had it you long for it and you know it unachievable.
So single I would remain

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I would not have passed up the wonderful years I had with my soulmate. To never have felt that love and security would have made my life meaningless. I know this pain is the worst possible but I can only hope that the vast majority of my life turns out to be the time I was with him and I was loved. I just don’t want another few decades without him - that would be torture.

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