I’ve cried non stop since hearing about the Queen’s passing 
I think it was a mixture of it bringing up the pain of Dad passing away only 15mths ago but also the fact that Dad had served the Queen for many many years and she was a huge connection to Dad…
And to have that “connection” gone, despite myself never meeting her, has been a lot to deal with…
It’s almost as though it’s the end of an era - with her no longer here, it seems as though my connection to Dad is gone.
I know it’s not because Dad is forever by my side and in my heart but the remembrance day parades will seem different this year with the Queen gone…
Dad always marched in the parades and I went to as many as I could to watch him - and in 2021, despite Dad no longer being here, I still felt connected in the 2minutes silence because the Queen was still alive and I felt I was still taking part on behalf of Dad too (if this makes sense. I’ve not slept and its after 4am and just felt I needed to get this out)
So this year, it feels eerie, strange and I feel lost. Its the end of history as we know/knew it. It’s brought up a lot of pain and emotions. I’ve felt numb, broken, drained and just a big ball of a mess.
But it did also bring some lightness to these dark times knowing that Dad would’ve saluted her as she entered up above.
Whether you believe in Heaven or not, always find hope in something and keep on talking and letting these emotions and feelings out. I didn’t realise it’d hit me this hard but it just goes to show we’re only human and this is all part of grieving. Grief is love which grows stronger as each day passes without our loved ones.
I don’t know if this makes sense, as I say, I’ve not slept and been in bits but I just needed to release it and had no energy to sit and write in my journal.
Sending lots of love to everyone struggling 
