The realisation that this is forever

Losing a partner
21

Morning Guys. As Jonathan says I just dont think its possible for anyone thats not been through this horror to understand. It’ll be 9 weeks for me on Monday and if anything it just seems to get worse. My sister actually sent me a text the other night suggesting that I should “Man Up” can you believe. Mum and sis live 100 miles away and Jane and I never had children but i’m lucky to have some good friends round here. Trouble is they keep coming round saying shall we go flying/fishing/ biking etc all the things we both used to love doing and I really cant be bothered at the moment. So I sit here in my lonely house and cry a lot. Which solves nothing.

My niece is a lovely bright girl - shes starting a veterinary degree later this year and we’re all very proud of her. She sent me a mesaage saying one day you’ll find someone else. No no and more no I don’t want anyone else just shows how hard it is for people to understand.

Sorry i’m not helping am I

22

Oh for goodness sake - these people who are supposedly trying to help really do not understand in the slightest what it is like. We cannot be jollied out of this and nor can we be brave and ‘man up’ - we have lost our life partners which includes our future and it b****y hurts like nothing else we have probably ever encountered.

We are not only grieving their loss we are grieving our future with them - and that does not mean big ‘future plans’ but the little things that are just part of daily life such as shopping, cooking, watching tv, meals out - in fact just about everything we do. I too cannot do anything I did with Gary - I watch different programmes on tv, I go to different supermarkets to shop, I eat different food (I am eating vegetarian meals with my daughter), I cry when I drive anywhere as I was so used to having him by my side. I cannot yet comprehend my life without him - and no I do not want anyone else. We had 40 years of our lives together and he was part of me. I do not want a replacement - it just does not work like that.
Maybe they treat men differently - but my friends and family have not made any of these crass remarks - they sympathise and ask me round for coffee and cake instead - which I can handle.
The only way I get through the day is to make a list - and tick things off. Sometimes it is the most mundane things - like empty the dishwasher, do the bins - but if I can tick it off it means I have achieved something. It distracts me - which is the only thing that really gets me through the day. And then I will do the same the next day. I spend a lot of time reading things about grief. Some of if resonates - some of it doesn’t but again it seems to take up time in my day.
We are at a very early stage - it was 9 weeks yesterday for me. I am determined for his sake to continue to live for him. But I will be doing different things - things I probably would never have taken up with him here. What those things are - I really don’t know yet. I am not a brave person and admire others who decide to travel on their own or join groups (very shy in reality) - but you never know maybe in time I will.
Please take what comfort you can from the forum. We really understand as we are all here.
Trisha xx

1 Like
23

Morning, these people haven’t a clue how you are feeling or what your loss means to you. No one who hasn’t experienced this of a husband/wife/partner can ever know, they don’t know how it feels. It is also so very different from losing a parent, a brother, sister etc. So very very different.

A week on Friday it will be 14 months since my husband Alan passed away, just 38 hours after the consultants told me of their findings flowing further tests. He’d never seen the doctor in over 45 years, never a day’s illness, yet 38 hours after being given that devastating news, he was gone.

We had celebrated our golden wedding anniversary just 6 weeks earlier and I was at his funeral exactly 2 months later.

Mot a day has passed that I have not shed a tear, some days it’s bucketfulls, only this morning on my way back from walking the dogs, I had a visualisation of the hearse outside our home and the tears streamed down my cheeks. Thankfully I was only a few doors away from our home. These moments creep up when you least expect them, and they will continue to creep up as time passes. There’s no quick fix, there’s no time limit on grief, we get through as best we can

None of us wanted to be travelling this enforced journey, and whilst everyone on here is at a different stage, we are all supportive of each other.

You will find your own way of coping with your loss and in a way that makes it as easy as it can make it for you. No one can tell you what to feel, how to feel, etc, your grief is personal to you.

One of Alan’s cousins phoned me 4 months after he passed, her first two questions were… Are you over it now? … are you feeling better now? …like it was an illness I’d been suffering. Some people have no idea at all. Then they come out with… isn’t it time you moved on?.. moved on to where ? as Trisha has said, we’ve not only lost our loving husbands/wives, we’ve lost the future we were to enjoy with them, we’ve lost our way of life completely

Please take comfort in knowing you are amongst friends here and friends who understand completely.

Take carr
Blessings
Jen ☆

24

Trisha and Jen thank you so much. Its good to in in touch with people who really do understand. I dont blame the people who dont understand - how can they. I’d never have believed that I could be so totally utterly miserable. I was Nick - that daft bloke up the road who’s always up for a laugh or got a silly Joke. That Nick died with Jane. If there is a way forward I cant possibly imagine what it could be.Take care all of you and thank you for your support x

1 Like
25

Hi Guys, I resonate with everyone on this site, it’s b…y devastating losing the love of your life. I was with my David 46 years, married for 42 of them, it’s like your heart has been ripped out, he’s in my thoughts all the time, all the things in the house we both worked for they mean nothing to me now. I keep telling my brain to switch off, it won’t.
I was doing ok last week, then a wave hit me again. Can’t stop crying.

I was in my local chemist, when my friends daughter (who works there) I just smiled at her, and wham tears, choking tears, bless her she left her customer and came round to me, giving me a hug. Goodness knows what people thought, well I’m not bothered about it to be honest.

Since then I’ve had meltdowns, on and off for days.

I like Trish too have joined Way up and spend too much time on bereavement sites.
But it’s therapy for me, as these people are like friends, who completely and utterly understand your grief.

I have joined groups, walking group, craft classes and also attend Cruse bereavement drop in once a fortnight. I don’t really want these things at the moment, I go to be honest for the company to get me out of the house, everyone is friendly.
Perhaps I’ve done it too soon. Like everyone I did everything with my David.

I’ve photos of him everywhere, kiss the photo goodnight and again in the morning, that lovely smile he has.

It’s my Daughters birthday soon, the first without her dad, I’m surely going to make her cry when she opens up her card, photo of her dad, and the message I have written to her. Remember Dad held you first, and cried when you were born. I’ve signed it from both of us.

We were a good family, I also have 2 sons, can’t fault any of them so supportive.
But I don’t burden them, they too have there lives to lead. As someone said to me recently, you have no idea what it’s like to lose someone, until it happens to you.
So b…y true.

All your posts, I do read, very caring people on here, I like everyone else need the support to get through this devastation. Big hugs to everyone, x

1 Like
26

Nick…
…you are right, we are not the same person anymore that we used to be, how can we be…our beloved partner was our life for x amount of years…Our life with him or her was all we had ever known, and now all of a sudden our whole life, our future has been tuned upside down…Yes we have to move forwards we have no other choice but we need to do this with no outside pressure from so called ignoramuses that think we should be snapping out of it…

Jackie…

1 Like
27

Nick…
…as previously posted, I lost my Richard 11 th April just 12 weeks 6 days ago…I found him dead sitting in his armchair in-between taking and collecting his - our dog to - from the pet groomers…sadly he never made the car journey back to bring him home…

1 Like
28

Such a lovely post and it says it all, 19 months since I lost my Phil :heart:

29

Dear Nick

Remember ‘that daft bloke’ - is the bloke your Jane loved. I know I loved the ‘daftness’ that was Gary. My favourite photo is one my daughter captured on a family cruise to Norway. It is him pulling one of his ‘faces’ and me laughing - certainly not a flattering photo - but it summed us up. It is one of the more recent photos I can look at without crying because it is so daft. Laughter feels wrong at the moment - but some memories are funny - and one of our friends pulls him into the conversation and talks about those silly occasions of long ago and makes both me and the children laugh about those times. Yes it feels odd - but those were funny times and they were some of the best times. I recently texted him as I have not seem him since Gary’s funeral and told him to come and see us as we all need to laugh.
Of course this is balanced with sadness and tears as Gary should be here laughing with us. And yesterday was a tearful one as I passed places we had been together and was so sad those times will be no more. And stupidly I thought I could put music on in the car. Big mistake - I cannot do that. Crying and driving - I do that a lot as he was always in the passenger seat. I pat the seat as if I am patting his knee and when I stop in traffic I rub my left hand with the thumb of my right hand and pretend it is him doing it as he used to do that a lot. (in fact it used to drive me potty - but I would do anything to have him do it again) Does it help - probably not much - but we do what we can. It is only on these forums that I can talk like this.
Take care and sending you a hug at the start another difficult day.
Trisha xx

1 Like
30

Thank you Gemball.
Trisha x

31

Trisha…
…quoting: ( “in fact it used to drive me potty - but I would do anything to have him do it again” )…oh yes the little things that irritated us that we would gladly tolerate now, if only they will come back to us…

Jackie…

32

Oh Jackie if only it were possible. Sadly we have still to come to terms with this - but when who knows. I am going to try a phased return to work shortly - maybe a couple of days next week. I know from people on here that we never get over it - so I think I am just going to have to try to get on with it. How it will go - who knows but I know I have to try. Ever the optimist - I am hoping it will go better than I imagine- but we will see.
It is very warm here today… have just got back from the dentist and had a flurry of activity to tidy up. So now I need to sit here on the forum with a cold drink.

Take care and let me know how you are getting on. I read about your visit to church and that certainly sounded better than it has been.

Trisha xx

33

Trisha…
…just sat outside for a brief moment to catch some sun, the kitchen back door was wide open and I was facing the kitchen, then the crying started as there would have been the time activity would have been going on inside the gardens back door…I would have seen him getting his mid day sandwich or making his coffee, I would hear him and see him in the kitchen, now nothing, just emptiness…
Let me know how it goes at work…I am finding out the hard way that it is when we get back home to the emptiness, that is when it hits us…

Jackie…

34

Hi, how you are feeling is how I am feeling 7 weeks after losing my husband, it saddens me when I see a shirt & think I’ll buy that for him then think oh I can’t, or look a new cafe we.ll go there, oh no we can’t, look that holiday looks good but yet again no we can’t go there, we used to love sitting in the garden & going for long walks but I cannot now do either as the pain is too intense, it feels like I’m no longer part of the world just a spectator, I never knew it would feel this bad, I am trying b6 going back to work, doing the chores, trying to be with family & friends but it feels so odd

35

7 weeks is no time at all, but it may seem like eternity. And feeling like an observer looking on the suffering is a usual feeling in grief. It’s as if there are two of us, one suffering and the other just numb and unable to express emotion.
Of course we will never forget our loved ones, but we do need to move on. Gently and slowly at first. I often ask my wife what she would want me to do and the answer always comes back. ‘Get on with your life, I want you to be at peace’.
In my view no one ‘dies’, they move on to where we cant go as yet.
In some countries they rejoice that the person has gone to a better place. Now that is very difficult for us in our culture.
None of us, if we have not experienced grief, can know what it’s like until it hits us.
But you should try and take care of yourself as your husband would have wanted, but above all give yourself time. The process of grief can’t be denied. It’s as old as mankind. Blessings and take care.

1 Like
36

Thank you, what you say makes sense, whenever there has been sad times before in my life I’ve sat & thought of a solution, but I’m realising now that I can’t “fix” me, it’s just going to take time & all I can do is my best, when my husband was very ill I said yo him if he could send me a sign he was ok to do it, when he had been gone a few days I was sitting in the lounge when an ornament that has sat against a wall unmoved for years just crashed to the floor, at first i thought it was the cat until I realised she was asleep on the other side of the room, then i thought breeze? But some artificial flowers next to it hadn’t moved, lots of people have told me there is a reasonable explanation but I’ve thought of all that & there just isn’t one, so I believe it was my husband & that gives me comfort to think he has gone somewhere & at the right time I will follow so I just need to fill my time in here & in time I’m sure life will be more bearable and at times happy!

37

Flower Garden…and everybody…
…go with your own gut feeling, if you have no other explanation, that was a sign from your hubby…This is what a lot of our members have been waiting for, including me, a sign from our partner…Only then when i receive one from my Richard, my mind might not be so tortured as it it now…and I do believe in the spiritual world, their is more out their than we will ever know, until we reach this world ourselves…
Yes you have been blessed, I am still awaiting on my sign from Richard, it seems a long time coming, but I am sure it will come…He has been gone now 13 weeks, and each and every day I have not topped crying nor talking to him, as most, if not everybody on our forum has been doing…

Jackie…

38

Please don’t underestimate psychic phenomena. Many strange things happen for which there is no explanation. I have heard of such phenomena so often to doubt that something is happening. Many on here have had some signs if only remotely.
Are our loved ones trying to get in touch? I don’t know. When someone says there’s a reasonable explanation ask what it is, then tell me! I haven’t found one after many years of involvement in psychic phenomena. Perhaps we will know, in fact I’m sure of it. But in the meantime we have to soldier on as best we can. You are beginning a journey. A painful one but one in which we can learn so much about ourselves. We will change, no doubt about it, but always for the better. Honest!!
If someone bothers to write on my tombstone ‘He did his best’ that will be fine. It’s all we can do, our best.
Take care. Blessings.
Yes, it will get better, just a little at a time, but the time it takes is very individual. There is no set time in grief.

39

Thank you, I will try to be optimistic, currently I live in the past, angry & sad at the same time that my dad died then 6 months later my husband, I have to hope that in the future at some point I will feel more part of the world & be able to enjoy happy memories & be able to look at my husbands picture without feeling wretched, I am however glad that my dad & my husband didn’t lose me, I wouldn’t have wanted either of them to go through this.

40

Afternoon Flower garden. I am a great believer in the spirit world and have been aware of spirit from a very early age.

Our loved ones remain with us in spirit, fir me personally, I would see the crashing ornament and a definite sign that your husband is close by. Watch for signs however subtle. An example was a recent journey I was making and I was toying with a dilemma, not knowing how to deal with it. I was in traffic and subconsciously asking, first my husband then my dad fir guidance, from nowhere a car pulled in front of me, the registration contained my dad’s 3 initials. During that whole route, I saw3 more different cars all with my dad’s initials. Then as I turned onto the road leading to our home, another car bearing my husbands Initials. On another journey I was having a particularly emotional day.and asked Akan, my husband for guidance that what I was contemplating was the right thing to do. At the roundabout, a car travelled in front of me bearing my husbands month and day of birth. These are not coincidences, our loved ones will use whatever method they can to send us signs that they are still with us and watching out for us. They cannot intervene but can guide us along the right path, it is up to us to make the right choice from the signs we are being shown.

Hope I.have not caused you more heartache, I watch for signs all the time, sometimes they’re purely to say hello other times they answer our pleas for help.

Blessings
Jen☆

2 Likes